Are our friends being cheeky?

[sparkling1986]

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

And if you and your siblings have turned up during another couple’s visit often enough for it to be a known problem, maybe be a bit more careful about when you do it?

Just say you've asked the other singleton not to come, now, as you wanted it to just be two couples, you are planning on putting your car keys in a bowl on the coffee table this weekend.

That should do it .....

Seriously, though, is their DD really that bad? It's just a get together, is it not the more the merrier?
If you are really not keen, though, just cancel.Cancel every time they ask can they bring her, they'll soon catch on.

Seriously, though, is their DD really that bad? It's just a get together, is it not the more the merrier?

Presumably not, or the OP wouldn’t have started the thread.

This was my first thought. Could the DD be struggling and they are concerned for her safety maybe?

Although on the flip side, they could decline the invitation and rearrange for another time.

I think a chat is needed between the 4 of you.

an unWANTed 6th person.....

An 'unplanned' by the hosts whose home it is!!

Try reading the OP's posts, maybe.

I'm agreeing with you!!

Yes of course. But it reads like they've turned up with her without prior notice. If they accept, then its not unplanned is it!

I feel a bit sad for the DD. Whatever's going on in her life, she's clearly having a struggle or she wouldn't be tagging along with her elderly parents' social life. I've been in this position with a son who struggled after a break up, and who I wanted to stay very close to for a while, and I was eternally grateful to the friends who just made him welcome.

I agree with most, the DD might become a permanent feature if you allow her to come this time.
I guess the dinner must have happened by now...How did it go? Let us know what option you went for and how everything turned out... It's useful to know the outcome of such dilemmas -for future use.

Thanks everyone for the responses. There been some great thought provoking advice and food for thought and some interesting replies too. I always think two sides to a story and am willing to accept maybe i could have been more flexible on it.

To clear a few things up based on some responses- no we’re definitely not swingers! 😂just that the DD hasn’t been part of the friendship dynamics so far. I’m not anti the DD at all, she is an adult and we could get to know her but she’s quite quiet and doesn’t speak much. She’s also not gone through any break up as far as I can tell, she’s single and unmarried and hasn’t pursued romantic relationships based on conversation her parents had with us before now.

Yes it’s possible DD going through issues and her parents want her nearby or feel she needs to get out more - if they had a brief conversation explaining without going into detail then of course I would have been sensitive and open to their request but there was no context. I do consider it against social etiquette without a good reason- which they haven’t given. I didn’t ask about DD welfare as, they are quite private people and if they wanted to tell us they would.

For context, the dinner was planned quite a while back, about 6-8 weeks ago and they had accepted the invite without making any reference to their DD coming along and the text came about 3 days before they were due to come over so not much time to consider.

The situation has made me question the dynamics and future of the friendship. The wife of couple has quite an assertive and domineering personality and I’ve noticed she doesn’t easily accept being told no and I’ve witnessed her bulldozing over people’s boundaries in the past hence why I hesitated before replying. She has mentioned her DD is often with them and spends a lot of time at theirs and it felt she wanted DD to come along ‘just because’, not for any specific reason, regardless of what me and DH might have wanted.

The meal was to be last night- I cancelled it in the end citing an excuse of something I had to attend to as didn’t want to cause offence but equally didn’t want to agree to something I wasn’t up for. I cancelled the entire thing including the mutual friend as couldn’t expect them to still come. I instantly felt relieved once I’d cancelled.

The friends responded by saying that was fine and ended up inviting the mutual friend over to their house for dinner instead! Which suited me fine. I had a quiet evening at home and regret nothing and am glad I didn’t compromise.

OP and her DH get to choose their friends, not have them foisted on them.

They're not social people, aren't keen on the DD as a visitor, so why would they want to befriend her.

Well done OP, it's good to stand your ground and not be made to feel guilty.

Sorry for your loss and hopefully you and single friend can continue to meet up.

Well, cancelling was one way to knock that dilemma on the head but won't the oblivious friends just repeat this pattern of asking their DD to be included at the last minute? If your friend is a bit pushy and "bulldozing over people’s boundaries" then I'm not sure how you nip this trend in the bud without being really assertive yourself and very clear about how you want to socialise in your own home....or are you fading out this friendship for now?

Well done OP on not going through with it.
Entertaining is too much effort for it not be for people only of your choosing.

I would see mutual friend on your own and have a hard think about whether you want Mrs pushy in your home.

What she did was very rude and it wouldn't be something many would accept.