Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

[HelloHelloHelpNeeded]

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

Of course he doesn’t have the right to do it. If he turns up then don’t answer the door.

No, he doesn't have that right.

I'd tell him it will be a wasted trip as he isn't stepping a foot onto your property.

No of course he doesn't. Does he have your address? I definitely wouldn't let him into your house.

Absolutely not

Nope, you don't. You don't have to have him in your house at all. If he has concerns about the state of your living conditions be can speak to Social Services.
I wouldn't give him your address if you haven't yet.
Don't open the door.
Plan to do handovers at a supermarket or something.

Why did you tell him where you live? This is another way he's trying to control you

Don’t let him in. That is dangeroud controlling behaviour. I’d phone the domestic violence hotline and ask for advice.

Do you have to tell him your address?

Many posts saying ex DH won't give their address even when kids involved (and don't have to ) so not sure if you legally have to tell him yours. Get some quick legal advice if youve not already given him your address.

Do not let him in.

Absolutely 100% not.
Tell him to sod off.

Don’t let him in, keep all doors locked - call police if he turns up

Of course not. He behaviour is strange if he thinks he does

I am astonished that people have to ask questions like this. Like, absolutely astonished and amazed that OP does not know the answer to this.

No way, it's none of his business. I'd refuse to answer the door personally, in case he tries to barge in. Alternatively get a chain for the door.

If you messaged him to say don't come as you refuse him access, would it stop him? What a bloody cheek he's got.

Really? Can you genuinely not see how someone who has been in a controlling relationship might struggle with their abuser telling them they have the right to do something like this? Blimey. Might be time to work on your empathy skills?

No one has a right to do that. Thats very demanding and I’d say extremely invasive. It’s your home and sanctuary away from the rest of the world!

Might be worth calling these:
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/
They are really helpful and understanding and should be able to advise which might give you the confidence you need to stand your ground. Because it is so hard.

I just don't understand?? But maybe that's on me.

What a wonderfully helpful response to someone reaching out for support. Abusive relationships make you doubt yourself. Forums like this help people to build themselves back up after years of being put down.

You go tomorrow morning and get a ring video doorbell and a security chain for the door of your new house. The ring doorbell can be battery powered so you can install it yourself.

you get them both installed urgently

you don’t answer the door to anyone without checking your phone first to see who’s outside. If you have close friends and relatives that call often give them a ring sequence like they ring 3 times, first ring once, then two short, so you’ll not need to check the video for them, but otherwise ALWAYS check…at least till he calms down in a year or so.

even so, whoever you know is there, never open door without chain on- check he’s not lurking behind anyone you’re. About to let in and then close door to open chain once you know not about

you do not let him come in under any circumstances….this isn’t just controlling it could be dangerous

if you have kids to handover for custody you do so at an neutral public location like a service station or another relative/friend near you, till he stops this nonsense.

And tell him that no, he will not ever be inspecting your home. If he has just reason to suspect that your home is not suitable he can make a call to the authorities to check in on you.

Yes, I feel stupid asking this question, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one, like what I am saying is unreasonable. I appreciate all of your comments, It is reassuring to me that what I feel is correct; he has no right. He just keeps pushing and pushing until I cave. He seems to think that because he is the father he has the total right to do what he wants. I need to source legal advice.

It really is on you. Absolutely. I've never been in a controlling or abusive relationship but it seems blindingly obvious to me that if you have been, you are still going to be intimidated by your ex partner for some time after you leave.

Do not feel stupid asking this question. I completely understand the doubt and the way he pushes you. What you have done is moved away which will help with those boundaries. You have also reached help for advice and support here, that is such a good step. I've had amazing support from people on this forum. So keep doing it and just ignore those making unhelpful comments.

You aren't stupid, not at all. Definitely seek legal advice to help you stay strong.

This is very common with abusive ex partners and I am so sorry you’re going through this. They do not understand what is reasonable when it comes to co-parenting. They use the fact you have a kid together to try and control.
An Ex of mine used to grill all of our mutual friends about who I was dating, if I was even dating etc using the excuse “I have a right to know who might be around my child” even though I never introduced anyone I was dating to our child. He also tried to control my new mortgage on my house.

Who the fuck does he think he is?