Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

[HelloHelloHelpNeeded]

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call the NCDV. Please.

OP you simply need to remember;

1. Just because he asks/demands information, doesn't mean you have to give it. Keep all contact in writing either via email/parenting app or phone texts, NOT verbally/ telephone calls etc.
2. Just because he says he wants to 'approve' your home/childminder/nursery, doesn't mean he has a 'right' to, you don't have to even tell him your address or who your childminder even is ! (but it works both ways)
3. Keep all information to yourself. He simply doesn't need to know, nor does he have any right to demand information from you (but it works both ways)

It is not acceptable for him to ‘veto’ anything. At all.

They didn't need to "infer" it had been controlling; it says so in the first post:

"he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him."

Right. Take a breath.

hes got inside your head where he has absolutely no right to be.

all you need to say to him from this point on is NO.

Cut all coms to email only, block on mobile etc and don’t give him any more detail than absolutely necessary.

you left him. He isn’t involved in who you choose for a childminder, make sure he doesn’t have the address or details for her either.

“Childminder comes highly recommended, has oodles of experience and dc has met and likes them.”

”my home is my home, it doesn’t need anyone’s approval, least of all yours.”

”we won’t be discussing these matters again.”

then if he tries to raise anything again, “we’re not discussing this, move on”

Be firm. Very clear and very firm. It gets easier with practice.

Would he allow you to "inspect" his house to see if it's acceptable?...I think not. Nope, don't let him in. He's unreasonable and controlling. Good that he's the ex

Very very good advice actually - do this and talk to them

Is he paying for it? No? Then it's none of his business

If one parent does have genuine concerns about the living conditions of a child with the other parent, or someone like a childminder, I presume there are defined official channels for raising them?

OP, well done for making the move away; that's really good.

Unless you have form for not installing kitchen/stair safety gates and letting the child run around near hot cookers etc, no, he has no right to come in.

Demanding to come and just turning up ... Just no. No one reasonable does that!

Really? I'm astonished that people like you don't understand how poisonous and corrosive coercive control is and how it can seriously damage the self-esteem and self-confidence of the perpetrator's victim(s) so that they have to check with others that their perfectly reasonable belief is, in fact, perfectly reasonable (because perpetrators who exercise this extreme level of control make their victims feel like they don't know which way is up). Even if you've never been a victim of coercive control, there's plenty of material online to research the subject and try to understand it - then you may be able to show some empathy for someone who has been subjected to it.

OP is doing the right thing. When you are in or escaping a controlling relationship, you are supposed to do a sanity/reality check with other people who are not controlling you or enabling the abuser.
Leaving isn't a single thing you do once, its a process. You physically leave, then you evict them from your head and find yourself again.

Oh love.

I was in exactly your place 15 years ago. I did let the ex in to check out my new house - I was in such a state after years of him having such control over me - I knew it was wrong but he had such power.

By the time I moved again 4 years later I didn't even give him my address - he'd stopped seeing the kids more than a handful of times a year, and I don't want him in my home.

He can't veto the childminder - he can certainly check her out online but he really has no say over what you decide for the dc on your parenting time.

Would he be ok with you checking out his home? Or wanting to know who he leaves the kids with?

I'd bet my house his next line will be 'qnd if you meet someone I'll need to meet him before the kids are introduced '.

Eventually you'll be emotionally free of this man op. He won't dictate your every thought, every decision. That's utterly liberating!

I would just block his number. Tell him to either email about any court approved visitation only so you have his behaviour down in black and white or he can send messages through your solicitor about his visitation arrangements

It also means you can review his demands at leisure and only reply to those that concern visitation arrangements

The rest keep but don’t answer. If they get too much I would see someone about harassment

Have you ever been in a DV relationship that makes you question your own existence, let alone everything else?

If not, thank your lucky stars. And stop making unhelpful comments. OP needs reassurance and support, not judgement.

If he was a safe person to be around— I’m not saying he is or isn’t— He wouldn’t be able to see the condition of the house that his child will be living in from Street View. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to know who’s looking after your child, either.

I would want the same privileges if (god forbid) DH and I split, and he would definitely be checking on my house and childminder as well… Though I recognize neither parent in a divorce can force the other to live or not live anywhere or hire/not hire anyone, unless they could prove to family court that by doing so, the other is endangering the child, and have the child removed from their custody…

Coparenting when split is a delicate line to walk, for sure.

I'd strongly recommend you keep a record of all messages you receive from him and store these securely in a cloud. There may come a point when you need to have evidence that he is harrassing you, and a full trail of this would help strengthen your case.

I of course echo the advice the majority of people on this thread have given: this behaviour is controlling and it's abusive. I would also recommend contacting Women's Aid.

Your scenario is sadly not uncommon. Abusers are clever. They mask it to begin with, otherwise no woman would stay with them, and then turn up the heat so gradually that you become acclimatised to it before you fully realise what's happening. This is what's known as the Boiling Frog analogy, and it's straight out of the abusers' playbook.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Stay vigilent, improve your security if possible, and document, document, document.

Great news he is an ex! I
I would say d not come down you are not welcome to visit. There is no need for you to check the house I have already checked that it's suitable for us I have also checked out the childminder and again do not need your opinion r permission
You shouldn't have to, but if you can, I would go out or if you are in, when he arrives do not answer the door and ,preferably if you can have someone with you.
It all sounds very stressful but I would not have him in the house under any circumstances or he will think he can just turn up whenever he feels like. If he has a completely wasted journey he may think twice in the future.

Echoing what others have said, he doesn’t have that right and if you let him set foot inside your home he will find a way to hurt you no matter how nice it is.

My ex has never known any of my addresses (due to his abuse) and we always did handovers in public- supermarket car parks, motorway service stations etc. it worked well, I felt safe and he didn’t get to tarnish my home with his presence. I would go down that route with your ex.

Coercive control is a form of abuse.

Yes it’s like the dripping water that erodes a rock. Death by a thousand remarks.

Lovely, you have no obligation to your ex at all. He has no sway over your home or your childcare arrangements when your child is with you.
He's a controlling horror who is trying to still dominate you by demanding that you are ready to be inspected at any time during that week. He's going to find fault with your new home. I guarantee it. Don't let him in. If you think he might be trouble, go speak to the domestic abuse team at the local police station and get a flag put on your address for rapid response.
As others said, don't give him the address. Organise for him to see your child at a contact centre or in a public place for handover if he gets any overnights.
Please talk to women's aid about support to set and maintain boundaries and also to work through having an abusive ex-partner.

Same response as I gave earlier. No. If he has concners that the childminder or any childcare is a risk or unsuitable he can call the authorities to request a safeguarding visit.
not his job to inspect. He is not qualified to do so.

I wouldn’t even bother trying to explain to him youl l be carefully monitoring childminder going forwards to ensure you have child best interest and safety in mind. As would any mother or father, who was reposnsvle for providing that care.

just no. Log it with authorities if you have concerns.

You don't need legal advice, because there's no legal issue. You just have to say no. I know it's hard when he's kept you scared for years and made you feel like you're stupid and incapable, but it'll get easier the more you do it. Say no.

And think about not giving him the address after you move.

Whether the OP does or doesn't have "form" for not being careful, he still wouldn't have any right whatsoever. He can report any such concerns to the local government Child Safety team.

He is demonstrating behaviour that suggests that he doesn’t believe that you can provide safe, suitable care and living accommodation.

He may be outwardly demonstrating that behaviour, but I doubt very much he believes that himself. It's just another way to control things, and make the OP doubt herself.