Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

[HelloHelloHelpNeeded]

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

I'm so sorry you're being put under pressure like this and doubting yourself. You know the answer deep down and we all agree. You absolutely don't have to let him in

These 'men' are unbelievable. There's a poster on here who I've seen comment on several threads, whose ex tried in court to get a judge to order her to remove her blinds/net curtains because he couldn't see into her house. Just unreal. Judge obviously said no.

You don't need legal advice for just this issue. You are completely within your legal rights to refuse him entry.

He's also asking to veto the childminder, is that acceptable?

Stand your ground. I've been there and it's hard but he has no right whatsoever to enter your house. He will make you feel unreasonable and he likely won't stop bullying you, but please believe giving into any of his demands won't quieten him down. It will only keep him coming for more.

There's no reasoning with men like him, so don't try to. Keep communication to an absolute minimum, keep everything in writing, and if he turns up, simply call the police and say you're concerned for your safety.

What would his reasoning be? If you've found someone suitably qualified who you're comfortable with, what could be wrong with them? Is he suggesting you would put your child in the care of someone unsuitable, as that's clearly unhinged. He's just throwing his weight around.

Also not acceptable.
As long as you aren’t doing anything that puts your child at risk (which you aren’t) then he has no right.

No

He doesn't get to veto anything in your life now that you are separated, as long as you are not putting your child at risk. If this is a registered child minder etc then he can just go and veto himself.

Definitely not ok. He's just trying It on. Don't let him an inch over the threshold.

Tell him you are absolutely not agreeing to this and that if he turns up at your house he will not be entering it. If he turns up and harasses you, call the police. He has absolutely no right to 'approve' your new home. I would contact a solicitor and put it in writing too so that you have a record of his controlling behaviour.

Get him to make as many of these comments as you can in writing such as via email, never over the phone, keep them as evidence of how unreasonable he is. Keep an incident diary and record the day, date, time, and what happened for every incident.
At some point he may cross a line, and you will need an accurate record of everything.

As long as the childminder is OFSTED registered and you're happy with them, I wouldn't even give him the childminders contact details.

I've a few childminder friends who get mucked about by controlling ex partners of their clients.

Do not put him on the contract and do not have him pick up / collect. If he pisses off your childminder (which he'll try to do to scupper your childcare and therefore ability to work), then you may lose your childminder.

Make sure you're the one paying the childcare.

Don’t pay for legal advice, you don’t need to do anything. He doesn’t have a right to have an input into your housing or your childcare arrangements.

If he has any concerns he can either report to SS or pay for legal advice himself.

Make sure you're the one paying the childcare.

Also, if you don’t already know what it means google ‘grey rock’
It is the best way of dealing with someone like him. Keep communication short, polite and only about what’s absolutely necessary. Ignore everything else. Do not react to him. Do not give him anything. Be the most boring person he knows.

This. Just say no. Nothing more, nothing less. Same for coming to your house

If he turns up don’t let him in. Call the police if necessary.

and no he can’t veto the childminder

Consider using a parenting app to discuss all things child related and nothing else.

He has zero rights to inspect or veto anything that you do with your joint child during your parenting time (and visa versa). He cannot veto your childminder, but he could choose to use (and he’d have to pay for) a different one during his parenting time. He can’t stop your kid meeting your friends or a new boyfriend but you can’t stop him introducing friends or a new girlfriend on his side either. He can’t make up rules or a routine that you and the child need to follow during your parenting time nor can you make him follow your routine and rules. You are both equal parents who supposedly both know what is best for your child on your time. If either of you wants to enforce anything on the other party you’d need to go to court and have the court order you to do certain things.
It is totally normal not to ever your ex inside your house, to do child exchanges at a mutual public place and not to reveal any information about your life to your ex. Imagine a big brick wall between you two with a teeny tiny opening to exchange your child and basic information about them.
The only time you would ever do things together now might be for school parents evening or to see your child perform at special events but even then it’s fine to go on different nights.

Youll need a backbone of steel but just keep refusing. Remember the big brick wall between you!

He wouldn’t even be getting my address let alone being invited over the threshold. My ex was given a contact address of a family member for written correspondence and had an Email address for me. That’s it. That way I didn’t live in fear of him just turning up.

legally they don’t need your address I believe. But be prepared to have him try the same with you.

I hope you get some advice and can just message him on WhatsApp from now on so you can keep a record of what he says and does. I wouldn’t let him know who your childminder is either as they won’t want to have to deal with him. I’m glad you’ve moved away and wish you luck.

@HelloHelloHelpNeeded why did you give him your address?????

Are you working with a domestic abuse charity? Have you ever completed the freedom programme? Both will help you as you navigate the world of post separation abuse. You also absolutely must not let him in to your home. He doesn’t get to have any control over that anymore and you need clear boundaries.

Also if you haven't given him your address make sure everyone you know who does.have it has been told they can't give him the address. So he can't bully it out of your mum, your sister, childminder, school, GP etc.