Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

[HelloHelloHelpNeeded]

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

If you have given him an address... say that place fell through and give him a "temporary" address... and as people say use one of those parenting apps to communicate.

Err no. Why would he need to check your fucking house it has zero to do with him.

OP do the freedom project. Stay single for a WHILE. Otherwise you’ll just attract another one of these nut job and frankly dangerous “men”.

You don’t even have to give him your address.

He has no right to veto anything - tell him if that's what he wants to do then he can arrange it via a solicitor. Don't even give him your address

Tell him no. Tell him if he has concerns he should raise them with Social Services. Do not give him any leeway. He is well out of order.

No he can not veto anything, OP this is domestic abuse, it’s controlling. I think you need support from a professional agency to put it in perspective and get proper advice to avoid him ruining your life. Please please get help so you can recover and build a new life.

Tell him to piss up a rope

Has he definitely agreed to you relocating? Whilst he cant stop you moving he can ask a court to decide on where your child lives.

You hold all the cards now. You are free to do what you want, whenever you want and there's nothing he can do about it.

You can stop his access altogether just by saying no. I'm not saying you should do this, but just the knowledge of this fact gave me back the power that I'm in charge now and my decisions mean something.

This is the start of you living your life freely and it's going to be so much better once you start putting yourself first and ignoring his stupid demands.

Look after yourself

No, it's not.

Do you have anything legal in place with regard to where the children live?

Get a Ring doorbell

Get yourself some big girl pants and tell him to jog on. His days of controlling you are long gone.

He has no right to inspect your house or veto your choice of child minder.

Tell him he is not welcome and you will not open the door to him so he shouldn't waste his time travelling. Be prepared to call the police to have him removed if he turns up.

This is your opportunity to let him know that his days of controlling you are over.

“Fuck off” is the only answer you should give. And repeat.

I can see someone’s already recommended contacting the NCDV.

You could also try the Suzy Lamplugh trust, or Paladin- these are for help with stalkers but his behaviour feels quite stalker ish so they may also have helpful advice with boundaries and legal rights.

OP be kind to yourself. You aren’t stupid. You are trying to recalibrate what normal is outside of an abusive relationship.

And no you aren’t crazy. He is still clearly trying to manipulate and control however he can.

It’s hard when you are in the middle of the storm and getting legal advice might help you to have that legal security. It may also help if in your dealings with him you can put the answer into a very knowledgeable qualified third party.

Big hugs.

Same here. How could anyone think this is OK?

OP, have you considered counseling and the freedom programme?

Meanwhile get a locksmith out to put extra locks on your doors and don't acknowledge that arrogant fucker if he shows up. He has zero authority in your life.

Agree.

And I have to ask, why are you communicating with him WHATSOEVER??? You are not obliged to.

There are parenting apps through which you can insist any child-related communication go. Or if you are not strong enough to resist him, do you have a relative who can be your intermediary? Tell him any questions will be relayed through him or her, and they can pare them down to the essentials and discard his irrelevant commentary.

Frankly I would RELISH that role.

Were you married?

Well done on getting away @HelloHelloHelpNeeded that took a lot of courage. Can you get a chain on and a ring door bell urgently?
You'll need every bit of strength and determination to get through this.

He has no rights over you. None. Zero. Don't listen to his lies.

Do not let that man in your house. Not once. No matter how he provokes you or shouts or threatens. If he bangs on the door and demands to use the toilet, don't open the door, keep the curtains shut. He will look through the letter box. My ex used to get a stick from the garden to poke through the letterbox and push the door curtain aside.

I know what he is doing. I've been in your shoes.

He is bullying, threatening and lying to try to get back control of you. His ego cannot cope with you getting away. He has convinced himself there MUST be a man involved. You MUST be lying. He wants to prove it. He wants to rampage through your home like a gorilla marking his territory.

I had, "I'm protecting my dd." "I'm looking out for my dd." and on and on and on.
I had him following me, parking around the corner, harassing phone calls all hours of day and night, one time he tried setting light to house to make me leave it. He was so convinced he would flush out some imagined man. He would let himself in with a stolen key while I was at work.

Only agree to public meetings. Stay vigilant and safe. Don't answer provoking texts. He is fishing. Trying to hook you in. Ignore it.

Sending you love @HelloHelloHelpNeeded
xx

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

Do not even tell him the details of the childminder unless he has to do handoffs with them.

also, just make sure that you don’t allow any tablet he buys for your child to come into the house, it is a way he can track your child to find out where he goes and who with.

I'd be telling him where to go, who the hell does he think he is?! I'd also see about talking to Women's Aid (can they assist/advise or point you in the right direction of some legal advice?). Well done for getting away from him OP.

Not unless it’s on his contact time and/or he’s paying, no. Set up your own contract with the childminder but be aware that you’re fully responsible for fees in that instance. Tbh he might scare off any childminder anyway at this rate.

Tell him that his controlling behaviour is unacceptable and if he turns up and attempts entry you will call the police.

I suggest contacting The Police NOW via 101 or on line so they have details if he does turn up.