Page 8 | Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 2025-05-06T20:26:49+00:00

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/05/2025 20:44

JustSoFrustrated · 07/05/2025 10:52

If he was a safe person to be around— I’m not saying he is or isn’t— He wouldn’t be able to see the condition of the house that his child will be living in from Street View. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to know who’s looking after your child, either.

I would want the same privileges if (god forbid) DH and I split, and he would definitely be checking on my house and childminder as well… Though I recognize neither parent in a divorce can force the other to live or not live anywhere or hire/not hire anyone, unless they could prove to family court that by doing so, the other is endangering the child, and have the child removed from their custody…

Coparenting when split is a delicate line to walk, for sure.

Show quote history

No.

Clearinguptheclutter · 07/05/2025 20:47

He can’t veto anything as long as you give access to his child.
but that doesn’t have to be in your house. Probably better that it isn’t to be honest.

Original poster

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 08/05/2025 08:03

Hello everyone, thank you all so much for the advice, guidance and support. It can be a lonely and confusing time dealing with this controlling behaviour everyday, even after being split up over 8 months now. He uses our son a the reason for all his demands now, which is then what confuses me and makes me think I'm the one being unreasonable because I try to say no. All these responses here have made me realise what I felt about the home and childmnder was right, he has no right to demand these things from me. I messaged him yesterday to say he is not welcome at my house, do not attempt to visit and if he does I will call the police, I also stated I had made an informed decision about the childminder based on her experience, qualifications and way she interacted with our son, and that he does not need to vet her. He seemed to accept that, well he said he would 'respect my wishes but did not agree with them'. We are currently staying in a holiday rental for 2 months, moving to our new permanent rental which I will not give him the address to. He's already asking me a list of questions about it, which I will ignore.

There is another issue he is really pushing on now too though. He wants to take our 2 year old son on a holiday to Canada for 2 weeks at the end of this month, it would mean he would not see his mother for nearly 3 weeks. This will only be a couple of weeks after we have relocated and my son's world has completely changed (new house, new childcare, new location etc etc), he is a bit unsettled as he gets used to it all. I had said to ex this is not a good time, our son needs stability not a trip away, it's a long time without his mum, it's a long flight, there is no real reason to go all the way to Canada (except ex wants to visit a mate), and also the ex is about to be made redundant so why is he spending lots of money on a big holiday. He ignored all my concerns and just booked the flight. I have said I do not want him to go, he is now pressing for me to sign a form saying I give permission, but I do not. What do I do?? Just refuse to sign the form and hand over the passport? This will obviously anger him and it will mean he will do the same in the future if I ever want to take my son on holiday, but I am thinking of our son's welfare over all that.

Any advice would be really helpful, thank you all.

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 08/05/2025 08:05

Do NOT sign the form.

Hamandpineapplepizza · 08/05/2025 08:11

I would speak to the police. They will be able to give advice and also note your concerns in case you need to ring them.
I would arrange to have a family member or friend at the house. Get a ring doorbell.

He has no right to but the way he is behaving means you have to act like things are escalating

My ex behaved appallingly for a few years after we split. I learnt the hard way. He broke into my house and stole passports for instance

Butchyrestingface · 08/05/2025 08:11

What do I do?? Just refuse to sign the form and hand over the passport? This will obviously anger him and it will mean he will do the same in the future if I ever want to take my son on holiday, but I am thinking of our son's welfare over all that.

Yes, that’s exactly what you do. Refuse to sign it.

If your ex does the same to you, then unfortunately this means your son does not get any foreign holidays until he comes of age. That is, frankly, a first world problem and a secondary consideration in a volatile situation like this.

itsallabitofamystery · 08/05/2025 08:11

If he’s been made redundant he has no reason to return to the UK. My feeling is he won’t return your son if you allow him to go.

Hamandpineapplepizza · 08/05/2025 08:12

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 08/05/2025 08:03

Hello everyone, thank you all so much for the advice, guidance and support. It can be a lonely and confusing time dealing with this controlling behaviour everyday, even after being split up over 8 months now. He uses our son a the reason for all his demands now, which is then what confuses me and makes me think I'm the one being unreasonable because I try to say no. All these responses here have made me realise what I felt about the home and childmnder was right, he has no right to demand these things from me. I messaged him yesterday to say he is not welcome at my house, do not attempt to visit and if he does I will call the police, I also stated I had made an informed decision about the childminder based on her experience, qualifications and way she interacted with our son, and that he does not need to vet her. He seemed to accept that, well he said he would 'respect my wishes but did not agree with them'. We are currently staying in a holiday rental for 2 months, moving to our new permanent rental which I will not give him the address to. He's already asking me a list of questions about it, which I will ignore.

There is another issue he is really pushing on now too though. He wants to take our 2 year old son on a holiday to Canada for 2 weeks at the end of this month, it would mean he would not see his mother for nearly 3 weeks. This will only be a couple of weeks after we have relocated and my son's world has completely changed (new house, new childcare, new location etc etc), he is a bit unsettled as he gets used to it all. I had said to ex this is not a good time, our son needs stability not a trip away, it's a long time without his mum, it's a long flight, there is no real reason to go all the way to Canada (except ex wants to visit a mate), and also the ex is about to be made redundant so why is he spending lots of money on a big holiday. He ignored all my concerns and just booked the flight. I have said I do not want him to go, he is now pressing for me to sign a form saying I give permission, but I do not. What do I do?? Just refuse to sign the form and hand over the passport? This will obviously anger him and it will mean he will do the same in the future if I ever want to take my son on holiday, but I am thinking of our son's welfare over all that.

Any advice would be really helpful, thank you all.

Say no. Let him try taking you to court if he likes, I doubt the court will agree jt

Pashazade · 08/05/2025 08:14

Do not sign the form and make sure you keep his passport somewhere nice and safe. Taking a 2 year old to Canada for no real reason is daft and obviously a power play from him. I would also be tempted to make child visits formal and go through the court, whilst it won’t stop him wasting your time by not turning up etc. as you would have to make your son available on mandated days, it would mean he couldn’t say you are preventing him from seeing his son.

2JFDIYOLO · 08/05/2025 08:14

Is he Canadian?

If he's being made redundant he'll have no need to return to the UK and may try to remain their with your child.

ARichtGoodDram · 08/05/2025 08:17

I wouldn't sign the form either. He's been made redundant so has no need to come back to the UK quickly.

Going forward given how volatile he is you would be advised to get a legal order in place stating that your DC lives with you.
Without that he could keep your child after contact and not return him (assuming he has PR) and you'd have to go to court to force a return.

Is any of his abuse toward you recorded anywhere official? Police, women's aid etc?

Hoardasurass · 08/05/2025 08:17

@HelloHelloHelpNeeded do NOT sign the form or hand over your DS's passport.
You and/or your ex can apply to the crt for an order which grants permission for a holiday abroad, but it has to be reasonable and a reasonable amount of notice must be given. He won't get a crt order for this holiday due to not enough notice, unreasonable amount of time away from the primary carer (3 weeks) and he doesn't have time to get the crt order. If you want to go abroad in the future you just need to give reasonable notice and if he refuses apply to the crt and they will most likely agree.

Starlight7080 · 08/05/2025 08:20

2 weeks is to much . Is he from Canada? Or do you think he has work plans their?
Don't sign . Just say maybe in the future when he is older .

WaitWhatWhatWait · 08/05/2025 08:21

itsallabitofamystery · 08/05/2025 08:11

If he’s been made redundant he has no reason to return to the UK. My feeling is he won’t return your son if you allow him to go.

This is exactly what I thought. Be very careful op!
Don't sign the permission, don't give ex your son's passport. Trust your gut!

Original poster

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 08/05/2025 08:25

This is exactly what I thought. No, he is not Canadian, just has a mate who has recently moved there, but it's not even that close mate, he hasn't seen him in years, and I have never met him. I will not sign anything and I have well and truly hidden his passport. I hadn't actually made the connection between him being made redundant and that given him a reason not to return, so that is helpful, thank you.

OP posts:

HappyintheHills · 08/05/2025 08:28

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 08/05/2025 08:25

This is exactly what I thought. No, he is not Canadian, just has a mate who has recently moved there, but it's not even that close mate, he hasn't seen him in years, and I have never met him. I will not sign anything and I have well and truly hidden his passport. I hadn't actually made the connection between him being made redundant and that given him a reason not to return, so that is helpful, thank you.

I believe you can also notify Passport Office in case he tries to claim your son’s passport has been lost and apply for another.

Nopicturesallowed · 08/05/2025 08:34

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 08/05/2025 08:03

Hello everyone, thank you all so much for the advice, guidance and support. It can be a lonely and confusing time dealing with this controlling behaviour everyday, even after being split up over 8 months now. He uses our son a the reason for all his demands now, which is then what confuses me and makes me think I'm the one being unreasonable because I try to say no. All these responses here have made me realise what I felt about the home and childmnder was right, he has no right to demand these things from me. I messaged him yesterday to say he is not welcome at my house, do not attempt to visit and if he does I will call the police, I also stated I had made an informed decision about the childminder based on her experience, qualifications and way she interacted with our son, and that he does not need to vet her. He seemed to accept that, well he said he would 'respect my wishes but did not agree with them'. We are currently staying in a holiday rental for 2 months, moving to our new permanent rental which I will not give him the address to. He's already asking me a list of questions about it, which I will ignore.

There is another issue he is really pushing on now too though. He wants to take our 2 year old son on a holiday to Canada for 2 weeks at the end of this month, it would mean he would not see his mother for nearly 3 weeks. This will only be a couple of weeks after we have relocated and my son's world has completely changed (new house, new childcare, new location etc etc), he is a bit unsettled as he gets used to it all. I had said to ex this is not a good time, our son needs stability not a trip away, it's a long time without his mum, it's a long flight, there is no real reason to go all the way to Canada (except ex wants to visit a mate), and also the ex is about to be made redundant so why is he spending lots of money on a big holiday. He ignored all my concerns and just booked the flight. I have said I do not want him to go, he is now pressing for me to sign a form saying I give permission, but I do not. What do I do?? Just refuse to sign the form and hand over the passport? This will obviously anger him and it will mean he will do the same in the future if I ever want to take my son on holiday, but I am thinking of our son's welfare over all that.

Any advice would be really helpful, thank you all.

Even if you do sign the form, there is no guarantee that he would sign a form for you in the future. From what you have said, he is obstructive and controlling to you, he would probably expect veto on any holiday you want to book in the future and will no doubt have a long list of reasons for you not to go.
I wouldn't be signing the form or giving him a passport. Apologies if I missed it, but do you have anything official in place with regards when or how long he has your son? If not, I think you need to get something put in place via courts.

Bearbookagainandagain · 08/05/2025 08:41

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 08/05/2025 08:03

Hello everyone, thank you all so much for the advice, guidance and support. It can be a lonely and confusing time dealing with this controlling behaviour everyday, even after being split up over 8 months now. He uses our son a the reason for all his demands now, which is then what confuses me and makes me think I'm the one being unreasonable because I try to say no. All these responses here have made me realise what I felt about the home and childmnder was right, he has no right to demand these things from me. I messaged him yesterday to say he is not welcome at my house, do not attempt to visit and if he does I will call the police, I also stated I had made an informed decision about the childminder based on her experience, qualifications and way she interacted with our son, and that he does not need to vet her. He seemed to accept that, well he said he would 'respect my wishes but did not agree with them'. We are currently staying in a holiday rental for 2 months, moving to our new permanent rental which I will not give him the address to. He's already asking me a list of questions about it, which I will ignore.

There is another issue he is really pushing on now too though. He wants to take our 2 year old son on a holiday to Canada for 2 weeks at the end of this month, it would mean he would not see his mother for nearly 3 weeks. This will only be a couple of weeks after we have relocated and my son's world has completely changed (new house, new childcare, new location etc etc), he is a bit unsettled as he gets used to it all. I had said to ex this is not a good time, our son needs stability not a trip away, it's a long time without his mum, it's a long flight, there is no real reason to go all the way to Canada (except ex wants to visit a mate), and also the ex is about to be made redundant so why is he spending lots of money on a big holiday. He ignored all my concerns and just booked the flight. I have said I do not want him to go, he is now pressing for me to sign a form saying I give permission, but I do not. What do I do?? Just refuse to sign the form and hand over the passport? This will obviously anger him and it will mean he will do the same in the future if I ever want to take my son on holiday, but I am thinking of our son's welfare over all that.

Any advice would be really helpful, thank you all.

Unless you have actual reasons to believe he will try to stay abroad, then why are you trying to control what he does during his time with his son?
And his money/job situation has nothing to do with you.

You can challenge the duration if it's not already part of your agreement regarding contact time. But you shouldn't have a say in what he wants to do during his time. Trust goes both ways, or you're just as controlling as he is.

AngelicKaty · 08/05/2025 08:50

@HelloHelloHelpNeeded I loved reading your first long update OP - you're starting to break the hold your ex has on you and I love your new-found assertiveness in dealing with him. Keep it up! 😃
"Just refuse to sign the form and hand over the passport?" Yes, exactly this. Do not comply with these requests at all. You may also want to consider getting a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent your ex claiming your child's passport has been "lost" and getting a new one for them. Here's some information on this: https://www.gov.uk/stop-child-passport . You could also contact your local Citizens Advice office for advice - most of them have a list of solicitors who provide pro bono (free) advice upon referral from the CA office for up to an hour of initial advice.

Stop someone getting a passport

You might be able to stop someone getting a passport by applying for a court order - parental child abduction, vulnerable adults

https://www.gov.uk/stop-child-passport

MissDoubleU · 08/05/2025 08:54

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 08/05/2025 08:25

This is exactly what I thought. No, he is not Canadian, just has a mate who has recently moved there, but it's not even that close mate, he hasn't seen him in years, and I have never met him. I will not sign anything and I have well and truly hidden his passport. I hadn't actually made the connection between him being made redundant and that given him a reason not to return, so that is helpful, thank you.

Hide the passport extremely well and DO NOT let him into your house. His visit to check the new house is suitable may be his way to look for and take the passport

AngelicKaty · 08/05/2025 08:58

Bearbookagainandagain · 08/05/2025 08:41

Unless you have actual reasons to believe he will try to stay abroad, then why are you trying to control what he does during his time with his son?
And his money/job situation has nothing to do with you.

You can challenge the duration if it's not already part of your agreement regarding contact time. But you shouldn't have a say in what he wants to do during his time. Trust goes both ways, or you're just as controlling as he is.

Edited

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What appalling "advice" - you sound like OP's ex. 🙄

Deckings · 08/05/2025 09:09

I think all contact by email is a good idea.
Please talk to Women's aid.
You have flown domestic abuse, his control of you.
Do not hand over your child to him.
Let him go to court for access.
Contact the police and ask about a contact centre as you do not want him knowing where you live.

HE can pay for the contact centre.
He is using your child to control you.
Don't allow it.
Reach out for advice and support.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/05/2025 09:15

Bearbookagainandagain · 08/05/2025 08:41

Unless you have actual reasons to believe he will try to stay abroad, then why are you trying to control what he does during his time with his son?
And his money/job situation has nothing to do with you.

You can challenge the duration if it's not already part of your agreement regarding contact time. But you shouldn't have a say in what he wants to do during his time. Trust goes both ways, or you're just as controlling as he is.

Edited

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This is just so ignorant of the issues at play here, that l simply don’t know where to start. OP was in a coercive and controlling relationship with this man. He’s weaponised their shared custody of their child to gaslight OP into thinking he has the right to visit her home and ‘approve’ her childcare. He’s still trying to control her even though they are divorced. That alone is enough to arouse suspicion that he will use the child further to control her. And it’s not ‘his time’ with the child - it’s three weeks, which cuts into OP’s time. She has every reason and every right to stop him taking their child out of the country. And to accuse a woman who has exited an abusive relationship of being just as controlling as her ex for standing up to him and challenging his bullshit is beyond appalling.

GrandmasCat · 08/05/2025 09:18

Nopicturesallowed · 08/05/2025 08:34

Even if you do sign the form, there is no guarantee that he would sign a form for you in the future. From what you have said, he is obstructive and controlling to you, he would probably expect veto on any holiday you want to book in the future and will no doubt have a long list of reasons for you not to go.
I wouldn't be signing the form or giving him a passport. Apologies if I missed it, but do you have anything official in place with regards when or how long he has your son? If not, I think you need to get something put in place via courts.

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The last few sentences of this post are crucial. If there is nothing in writing or a process started in court, he can take the child home or wherever he wants, which in itself is not much of a problem. The problem is that, with nothing in writing or court process, if he keeps them for a few weeks, he can claim he is the “resident parent” and then the only way to get your child back is via courts and by the time the case is seen, the courts may not want to “uproot” the child if they are already settled in the other home.

I have seen it happening and it is dreadful, the mother I knew managed to get her child back (he claimed to be the main carer after just two weeks of having the child overnight, even when the mum was taking care of the toddler during the day). As I said, she got her toddler back after some very stressful weeks at court but they had quite an impact on her emotionally and financially for a long time.

WaitWhatWhatWait · 08/05/2025 09:22

That's desperately sad @GrandmasCat 😔
The lengths abusive men will go to, to try regain their control is shocking.