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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

207 replies

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:26

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 06/05/2025 23:19

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:38

Yes, I feel stupid asking this question, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one, like what I am saying is unreasonable. I appreciate all of your comments, It is reassuring to me that what I feel is correct; he has no right. He just keeps pushing and pushing until I cave. He seems to think that because he is the father he has the total right to do what he wants. I need to source legal advice.

Please don't feel stupid. This is on him not you.

A friend of mine (very educated lady) gave her ex a key to her newly purchased house as he told her it was the law as the father of her children that he had access to their home environment..... Needless to say, when I found, we got the locks changed and he was told to do one.

Hope you're ok OP x

INeedAnotherName · 06/05/2025 23:21

breadpie · 06/05/2025 23:06

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

No, this is extremely bad advice. You never give an inch to an abusive man as every time you give in to him he will push the boundaries further and further until you crack. She really doesn't have to let him in at all.

Ilikeadrink14 · 06/05/2025 23:40

Keyanski · 06/05/2025 21:32

I am astonished that people have to ask questions like this. Like, absolutely astonished and amazed that OP does not know the answer to this.

Well, aren’t you the clever one? Your reply isn’t helpful!

ThisQuirkyPoet · 06/05/2025 23:40

INeedAnotherName · 06/05/2025 23:21

No, this is extremely bad advice. You never give an inch to an abusive man as every time you give in to him he will push the boundaries further and further until you crack. She really doesn't have to let him in at all.

Show quote history

Agree. Don't play games with men like this.

Cornishclio · 06/05/2025 23:44

No of course he does not have the right to veto your home or childminder on the days you have your DD. Do you veto his home or childcare arrangements?

Some are saying just try to keep him happy but a controlling man will always be pushing the boundaries so best set yours firmly to start with.

AlmostSummer25 · 07/05/2025 00:07

Keyanski · 06/05/2025 21:32

I am astonished that people have to ask questions like this. Like, absolutely astonished and amazed that OP does not know the answer to this.

Well, that's helpful & supportive.

AlmostSummer25 · 07/05/2025 00:10

Keyanski · 06/05/2025 21:35

I just don't understand?? But maybe that's on me.

Show quote history

Yes, it is.

Icantstandupforlyingdown · 07/05/2025 00:11

breadpie · 06/05/2025 23:06

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

I would not allow this controlling arse of a man to enter my home, why on earth should the OP give him unsupervised access, to make it easier to plat listening devices?

He will find things to complain about, and will demand that they be fixed within a certain time limit, so he can reinspect. Pandering to him won't soften him.

Congrats on ending it with him.

Spinachpastapicker · 07/05/2025 00:14

breadpie · 06/05/2025 23:06

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

God no. Awful advice, ignore this. Obviously has no idea how much of a fucking nightmare a controlling abusive man can become if you give them an inch. No way will he just “leave and let you get on with your life” HA AS IF.

Do the absolute opposite of this.

Notknots · 07/05/2025 00:22

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:54

He's also asking to veto the childminder, is that acceptable?

Not at all. He's not your boss, he's not in charge of you.

Why does he think he he's entitled to make all these checks? Are you checking his set up and parenting choices? No, I bet not, and I can imagine his reaction if you said you were going to check on him.

Please use a parenting app for all communication with him.

Codlingmoths · 07/05/2025 00:32

’ I have booked in with the childcare, that’s done. Also to remind you that you are not inspecting my house, you are not welcome in my house, and if you decide to turn up anyway you will not be allowed in. If you refuse to leave I will be calling the police. Please stick to the contact arrangements agreed, that’s what’s in <childs> best interest.’

and make sure your child can’t open the door and let him in- if that means you need to not have the key hanging by it on the inside then I’d remove it for a few weeks.

Londonismyjam · 07/05/2025 00:41

breadpie · 06/05/2025 23:06

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

Don’t do this, this would just allow the control he has over you to continue. I agree with all the PP who have said do NOT let him in. I read on a different thread where that OP just commented ‘ Oh right, let me know how that goes’ whenever her controlling ex made some nonsensical statement about what he was going to do. And then ignored him. You don’t need to engage with him except for functional child arrangement stuff and do this by email. Courage! 💐

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/05/2025 00:42

Hi op,
I've had a lot of legal advice but I'm not a lawyer.

My advice is -

  1. Do NOT turn up unannounced and uninvited - I do not feel comfortable with this and this will be taken as harrassment if you do. (Get a ring doorbell and call the police if he does this and won't go away).
Ask him - Do you have any concerns or questions about the property in line with our child's best interest if so I'd be happy to answer them, please put them in writing (this gives him space for any genuine concerns such as stair gates and locks on doors and windows and you can then reassure).
  1. Childminder - technically he doesn't have a say in your childcare until school but he could try to argue this is early years education. I would say
'Please do let me see the shortlist of child minders you've drawn up and met with in the local area and your views on the pros and cons of them so that these can be considered when choosing one' then you can take or leave his points but you can prove that you're not alienating and that you're seeking his views. It also puts the onus on him to do some work if he'll actually bother. More likely he wants you to tell him the one that's most convenient for you and then veto it to he mean. However you don't HAVE to inform him of what childcare you're using at all unless he's collecting or dropping off there.
2JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2025 00:47

Dear God, Noooooooo! Of course he doesn't have the right to veto your house!!!

This is control and intimidation clingingon by its fingernails long after the relationship is over.

He. Is. Your. Ex.

You're free.

Only do handovers in a neutral place. Park, cafe, grandparents' house etc. Not your home. Is he likely to try to shove his way into the house?

Can you have someone with you when you meet him for handover?

Don't answer the door if he turns up unexpectedly. Ring Doorbell time.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/05/2025 00:54

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:26

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

"Ex

You do not have the right to "vet" anything. If you turn up at my new home I will not answer the door and will contact the police to report you for harrassment. Use [this@email] address to contact me regarding our child. All other contact avenues are now blocked."

Had to do this myself with an abusive ex. Thankfully he was too lazy and poor to pursue the abuse through the courts, but some do so be prepared. Google "domestic abuse via court action" to be prepared.

Chickensky · 07/05/2025 01:13

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:54

He's also asking to veto the childminder, is that acceptable?

No you are not being unreasonable and he has absolutely no right to see your home "as acceptable". He also doesn't have any rights to veto your childminder unless he thinks you are putting your child at risk.

Stay strong OP, you've got this.

MarxistMags · 07/05/2025 01:23

Absolutely not. I hope he doesn't have the address, and don't give him it. Give him no way or reason to manipulate you. If you have to meet then do it in a public place.
Can you give a heads up to the police ? Is that feasible ?

Apart from that, I hope moving and job go well for you.

Muffinmam · 07/05/2025 01:23

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:38

Yes, I feel stupid asking this question, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one, like what I am saying is unreasonable. I appreciate all of your comments, It is reassuring to me that what I feel is correct; he has no right. He just keeps pushing and pushing until I cave. He seems to think that because he is the father he has the total right to do what he wants. I need to source legal advice.

You are unlikely to get legal advice before this twat arrives at your home. Did you give him your address??

Just don’t answer the door. Call the police if he doesn’t leave.

MarxistMags · 07/05/2025 01:24

Great advice.

Muffinmam · 07/05/2025 01:35

breadpie · 06/05/2025 23:06

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

This is utterly terrible advice!!

In what world is allowing an ex to tour your home acceptable??

Further, he doesn’t get a say on the childminder! They aren’t together anymore - which means he doesn’t get to have any input in her life. If he thinks this unfair he can take it to Court. He still won’t get a Court order allowing him a tour of the OP’s home.

His behaviour is abusive and controlling. The OP does not have go cooperate with an abusive man!

If you don’t have a background in family law or even a very basic understanding of domestic partner abuse then you shouldn’t be commenting at all. It’s not helpful. The OP is vulnerable and doesn’t need someone giving advice that is clearly terrible.

BlueFlowers5 · 07/05/2025 01:45

Ring Womens Aid, OP. It's not normal for bloke to say that and women are more vulnerable at breaking up from a relationship than any other.

Don't let him in.

Ring the police if you have to.

emmetgirl · 07/05/2025 02:23

Tell him to fuck off.
cheeky twat.

JustSoFrustrated · 07/05/2025 02:31

If he has equal custody of your DC, I think it’s reasonable for him to want to see where DC is living. He ought to let you know when he’s coming though.

it would be reasonable to deny him the visit if you felt like you weren’t safe with him, or if you were worried about him running off with DC, or something like that.

Meadowfinch · 07/05/2025 02:41

JustSoFrustrated · 07/05/2025 02:31

If he has equal custody of your DC, I think it’s reasonable for him to want to see where DC is living. He ought to let you know when he’s coming though.

it would be reasonable to deny him the visit if you felt like you weren’t safe with him, or if you were worried about him running off with DC, or something like that.

No, no, no.

Never ever let an abusive ex into your house. Keep the door locked and the key on a high hook where DCs can't reach it.

Make it clear to him that he is not welcome and if he turns up, that will constitute harassment and you will call the police.

Woman (and their children) are at most risk of being killed by ex-partners in the months after they leave and get a new home. Do not open the door to him. He has no right to be there.

JustSoFrustrated · 07/05/2025 02:50

Meadowfinch · 07/05/2025 02:41

No, no, no.

Never ever let an abusive ex into your house. Keep the door locked and the key on a high hook where DCs can't reach it.

Make it clear to him that he is not welcome and if he turns up, that will constitute harassment and you will call the police.

Woman (and their children) are at most risk of being killed by ex-partners in the months after they leave and get a new home. Do not open the door to him. He has no right to be there.

Show quote history

Tbf, I only read the OP before I commented, which didn’t make him sound abusive.