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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

207 replies

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:26

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 07/05/2025 03:26

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:38

Yes, I feel stupid asking this question, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one, like what I am saying is unreasonable. I appreciate all of your comments, It is reassuring to me that what I feel is correct; he has no right. He just keeps pushing and pushing until I cave. He seems to think that because he is the father he has the total right to do what he wants. I need to source legal advice.

It’s not stupid to be bullied.
It isn’t stupid to be worn down by verbal abuse day after day after day.
It’s not stupid to have your own life.
Be free.
Be happy.
Be safe.
Learn how to smile again.
Breathe.

scotstars · 07/05/2025 04:00

Tell him very clearly no he won't be setting foot in your property and won't be vetoing childcare you use when you your child is in your custody. If you haven't told him the address keep it that way but if you have and he turns up and doesnt leave call the police

daisychain01 · 07/05/2025 04:55

breadpie · 06/05/2025 23:06

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

No way should you give in to his unreasonable demands.

Stand your ground, and importantly don't engage or discuss. Give someone like him an inch and he will take a mile.

Im all for being the bigger person in many situations but this is not one of them. Show of strength, resolve, control, show him you mean business so he doesn't walk over you. Show him you're a very different person nowadays. You aren't the same as when you were together, he has to get used to that,

A parenting app is a really good way of removing visibility of your life and sticking to the facts of co-parenting, not the facts about your personal life and choices. They are none of his business whatever he thinks!

https://www.mediateuk.co.uk/5-top-parenting-and-co-parenting-apps-for-separating-couples/

Top Parenting and Co-Parenting Apps

5 Top Parenting and Co-Parenting Apps for Separating Couples

5 Top Parenting and Co-Parenting Apps for Separating Couples

https://www.mediateuk.co.uk/5-top-parenting-and-co-parenting-apps-for-separating-couples/

LillyPJ · 07/05/2025 05:24

I can't believe you're asking that! It's nothing to do with your ex.

Nat6999 · 07/05/2025 05:31

Be careful if you do drop offs & pick ups in a neutral place that he doesn't follow you home. Have a rear dash cam & make sure you have cameras at home. If you think he is following you, drive to a police station or a petrol station & ask them to contact the police.

LillyPJ · 07/05/2025 05:32

DUsername · 06/05/2025 21:40

It really is on you. Absolutely. I've never been in a controlling or abusive relationship but it seems blindingly obvious to me that if you have been, you are still going to be intimidated by your ex partner for some time after you leave.

Show quote history

It might seem 'blindingly obvious ' to you because you inferred it had been a controlling relationship. But there may have been other reasons for the question so I think it's unfair to attack someone for not immediately jumping to that conclusion.

TimeForATerf · 07/05/2025 05:45

JustSoFrustrated · 07/05/2025 02:31

If he has equal custody of your DC, I think it’s reasonable for him to want to see where DC is living. He ought to let you know when he’s coming though.

it would be reasonable to deny him the visit if you felt like you weren’t safe with him, or if you were worried about him running off with DC, or something like that.

He can see that on street view. He doesn’t need to travel to another area and come inside and check out the childminder.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/05/2025 05:53

Keyanski · 06/05/2025 21:32

I am astonished that people have to ask questions like this. Like, absolutely astonished and amazed that OP does not know the answer to this.

And I'm astonished and amazed that you have so little empathy that you can't put yourself in the shoes of someone who has escaped a controlling and coersive marriage with an ex-husband who is still trying to control her. Women in marriages like this lose confidence and second guess themselves.

Women currently in or who have left abusive marriages often reach out on Mumsnet for support and advice and reassurance, not for a snidey tone deaf comment from someone who is lucky enough to have never been in this situation.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2025 05:55

No and no again. My ex husband tried this one and hammered at the door so I called the police.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 07/05/2025 06:08

breadpie · 06/05/2025 23:06

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

This such bad advice. Don't do it

Tiredandfrazzledmum · 07/05/2025 06:16

He's saying he is going to approve / veto things as he wants to be the big man and make out like he has any control over anything you do. But he doesn't. Well done for getting away from this arsehole. When he suggests these stupid things, just say 'no that won't be happening' and then don't respond to any more arguing about it. It is hard but you will feel so much stronger.

unsync · 07/05/2025 06:17

If he is harassing you, report him to the police and get a restraining order.

ConfusedNoMore · 07/05/2025 06:29

Meadowfinch · 07/05/2025 02:41

No, no, no.

Never ever let an abusive ex into your house. Keep the door locked and the key on a high hook where DCs can't reach it.

Make it clear to him that he is not welcome and if he turns up, that will constitute harassment and you will call the police.

Woman (and their children) are at most risk of being killed by ex-partners in the months after they leave and get a new home. Do not open the door to him. He has no right to be there.

Show quote history

Exh and I split in 2014. He has NEVER set foot over the threshold of my house and nor will he. I will never forget his intimidation and mind games, even if he likes to pretend he's been a good father and oh so reasonable.

He was dropping DS off after his contact at the weekend and said he needed the toilet. I just said nothing and he said, after a pause, I suppose I'll have to wait...and I said yes. Still no way I would have him in.my home. A man who threatened to hurt me and who had me sat crying in a police station because I was so scared he was going to kill me eventually...no way.

@HelloHelloHelpNeeded you'll get stronger, the longer you're away from him. It takes a long while. Stay strong. You do not have to even give him your address.

What are your child arrangements? Have you got a court order or just agreed between you?

GrandmasCat · 07/05/2025 06:31

Op, not sure if this has been mentioned before but, if you haven’t already, go and see a solicitor as a mater of urgency just to find a way to ensure he cannot claim he never agree to his child being moved away and approach the courts to demand the kid is returned to the original residence area (I know he will struggle if he tries to but… you will also struggle, financially and emotionally, trying to fight your corner against a controlling man at court).

Pukekopalace · 07/05/2025 06:33

I was in your situation, and I allowed my abusive ex to veto my accommodation after we separated. I would echo other's advice to stand firm. Do not allow him into your house.

In my situation, allowing him that level of control just encouraged him to control me. It ramped to a level where it met criminal definitions of stalking. He only stopped when I eventually confronted him about it. I also blocked every form of access to me other than what was absolutely necessary.

You're not stupid, by the way. Being in an abusive relationship can create extreme self doubt. I have (and had when I was with my ex) a very professional job which requires excellent judgment and the ability to defend my decisions, and I am seen as being very competent at it. But when it came to my relationship with ex, I had no confidence in my decisions. There was a huge discrepancy between how confident I felt in my work life and in my home life.

Arancia · 07/05/2025 06:44

So, do you also get to veto HIS home and get to veto / control aspects HIS life...you know, for the sake of the children?

mrschocolatte · 07/05/2025 07:04

@LillyPJ I don’t believe that the ‘astonished’ poster was being genuine, I’ve noticed their comments on a few threads have been dismissive or rude towards OPs so I doubt their intentions.

*edited for clarity.

Hollietree · 07/05/2025 07:06

breadpie · 06/05/2025 23:06

Call his bluff and let him check your house....wait outside whilst he does his inspection and only go back inside when he leaves, not giving him the opportunity to have a discussion. Ask him to record his findings in an email so you can address any worries he may have. Be perfectly reasonable and acknowledge his right to see where his child lives.

Let him veto the childminder... The info should be available online anyway so all you have to do is give the name.

Take away his power.... Don't get pissy or engage in any conflict... Don't give him the satisfaction of stooping to his level. You will have the advantage of appearing to be cooperative and if he can't find anything to complain about, he can't keep interfering and will have to leave you to get on with your life

I’m sure you mean well but this is such dangerous advice to give to someone who has just come out of what sounds like a controlling and abusive relationship.

It’s just like telling someone who is being bullied at school - just call their bluff, let them have your dinner money when they demand it, just stand there and let them punch you! It will do the absolute opposite - it shows them you are weak and they will demand the dinner money every day, beat you up more often, start trying to exert more power and control in other ways.

If the OP in this post lets her ex over the threshold of her house once, then he will insist he is allowed in time and time again. If she lets him veto a childminder he will decide he has the power to veto everything and anything in her life. It does not call his bluff or take away his power, it does the absolute opposite. He will feel emboldened and will trample all over more of her boundaries.

PinkyFlamingo · 07/05/2025 07:09

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:54

He's also asking to veto the childminder, is that acceptable?

No! Seriously I'm worried about you. Have you told him your address?

Ceska · 07/05/2025 07:09

Keyanski · 06/05/2025 21:32

I am astonished that people have to ask questions like this. Like, absolutely astonished and amazed that OP does not know the answer to this.

If the op is coming out of an abusive relationship then her view may be skewed about what's right and what's not right

Whyherewego · 07/05/2025 07:10

TreeDudette · 06/05/2025 22:09

He has zero rights to inspect or veto anything that you do with your joint child during your parenting time (and visa versa). He cannot veto your childminder, but he could choose to use (and he’d have to pay for) a different one during his parenting time. He can’t stop your kid meeting your friends or a new boyfriend but you can’t stop him introducing friends or a new girlfriend on his side either. He can’t make up rules or a routine that you and the child need to follow during your parenting time nor can you make him follow your routine and rules. You are both equal parents who supposedly both know what is best for your child on your time. If either of you wants to enforce anything on the other party you’d need to go to court and have the court order you to do certain things.
It is totally normal not to ever your ex inside your house, to do child exchanges at a mutual public place and not to reveal any information about your life to your ex. Imagine a big brick wall between you two with a teeny tiny opening to exchange your child and basic information about them.
The only time you would ever do things together now might be for school parents evening or to see your child perform at special events but even then it’s fine to go on different nights.

Youll need a backbone of steel but just keep refusing. Remember the big brick wall between you!

This is great advice and summarises it perfectly. I never go inside my exes house and vice versa. And yes I've had to stand outside like a chump in the rain waiting for the kids to be ready (they were never ready on time).
Do you have a friend or colleague or someone who could be with you on the day your ex is threatening to turn up. It may make you feel better to have someone there with you.

Movingonup313 · 07/05/2025 07:14

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:38

Yes, I feel stupid asking this question, but he makes me feel like I am the crazy one, like what I am saying is unreasonable. I appreciate all of your comments, It is reassuring to me that what I feel is correct; he has no right. He just keeps pushing and pushing until I cave. He seems to think that because he is the father he has the total right to do what he wants. I need to source legal advice.

I wonder if it would help to imagine him as a stranger, or the sofa salesman. As in, imagine the sofa salesman says he is coming in to inspect the house to ensure it is suitable for the sofa. I'm sorry you are going through this. Well done on getting away. He had no rights to do anything of this nature. And you are right, these people are experts at making you feel insane and unreasonable etc etc. I left one of these men 7 months ago and each day the clouds part even more as I realise how much control he had. Hope you find MN supportive- many of the posters have very sound advice.

MikeRafone · 07/05/2025 07:18

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:54

He's also asking to veto the childminder, is that acceptable?

He can't stop you having a childminder or preventing you picking a certain childminder.
Id also be on a camping trip or away somewhere this weekend - oh what a shame I wasn't there wen you called...

Id get yourself on a freedom program - google one for you local to where you are, they'll have the children for you whilst you do the course. Also look at greyrocking - again google.

Don't get in conversation, don't give more information that you need.

Its hard in your situation and thus your question on here, no you don't have to do what he says but for a while he has controlled you and now you doubt yourself

Elderflower14 · 07/05/2025 07:18

I would be telling him to f off to the far side of beyond and when he gets there to f off a bit further!!!

Hoardasurass · 07/05/2025 07:22

HelloHelloHelpNeeded · 06/05/2025 21:54

He's also asking to veto the childminder, is that acceptable?

He is an abusive twat who has NO right to veto any of your choices with regards to your home, your choice of childcare, your school choice or any other parenting choice you make including who you date, when they meet your dc or move in.
If I was in your position I'd tell him that he is being controlling and you will not be engaged with his behaviour anymore. That he won't be entering your home ever nor will he be given any information about the qualified childcare practitioner/nursery that you chose. Then just refuse to engage with him about it, just ignore any messages about it and if he brings it up on the phone end the call