Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

[HelloHelloHelpNeeded]

I have just relocated to another part of the UK for my job with my 3yr old. My ex-partner says he wants to check out my house to see if it's 'acceptable', he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him. He agreed to my relocation , only to change his mind 6 months into the planning and try to stop me moving. He announced, did not ask, that he was travelling down this week to 'check my house is acceptable'. My question is, do I have to agree to this? Am I being unreasonable to say he can't come? He also won't tell me when he is coming, he is just going to turn up.

Neither are acceptable. If you let him he will continue to control you and your child’s new life.

This.

And do stop giving him snippets of information, this will only fuel his controlling actions.

I imagine you have checked the credentials of the childminder yourself anyway, this common sense particularly when you are new to an area and know little about services there.

Ex is just trying to make life difficult for you.

As many others have said he has no rights to inspect anything . It is all about power over you.
Very sad people behave like this. Shows a lot about his personality.
I would get a camera outside front door just to keep record if he does show up unannounced. And obviously goes without saying you don't have to let him in.

No he can't do either of those things (house inspection or veto childcare) as some PPs have mentioned, Google "grey rock" and do that, don't get in to any arguments or lengthy discussions with him. It's absolutely fine to say "no you cannot come and inspect my house" and then refuse to engage in any further conversations about it.

Then you can also say "I have sourced a Ofsted registered childminder and daughter will be going there when we move" and then refuse to engage in anything further

All I can say is that you did an excellent thing getting away from this man, OP. That must have taken a ton of strength.

Is he on the birth certificate and what is access like? Has it changed with the move?

While you don’t need to let him into your house, in fact you shouldn’t, he can stop you via court from moving away if it impacts on his access with his child. How far away did you move? The last thing you want is him being awarded residency because you’ve just taken your joined child.

Because controlling men make you doubt yourself.
Controlling men sow little seeds of doubt at every opportunity.
Controlling men always state they are right, you are wrong.
Controlling man don’t do one act of damage, they do hundreds that are aimed at changing the person they wish to control.
And they’ll do everything to retain that control.

No.

I can see why you LTB. You are well out of it.

Hi HelloHelloHelpNeeded
You do not have to give your Ex your new address. If you have already I would tell him he is wasting his time coming as you won’t be at home. You may have a child with this man but that doesn’t give him the right to have any information about you - where you work, live or play.
If you have a Court order for contact with your child you can arrange for handovers at a neutral venue - cafe or coffee shop for example. Choose somewhere convenient for you and where there are people around.
Regarding Ex vetoing the Childminder - he cannot do this - just make sure that the Childminder you choose is a registered person. Also if your Ex is harassing you like this you could go to Court to take out a
Non Molestation order against him. You can do this yourself without a need for a Solicitor. Women’s Aid could give you advice.
Please remember - your Ex is your Ex; and for good reasons by the sound of things.
The only consideration is the child that you have together. If you do not have a Court Order arrangement for your Ex to have contact with your child I would strongly advise that you apply to Court for an order. In view of this man’s behaviour I would want only Supervised Contact ie in a Contact Centre. My concern would be that your Ex may choose not to return your child after a period of unsupervised contact. He is demonstrating behaviour that suggests that he doesn’t believe that you can provide safe, suitable care and living accommodation.
Take care and get advice asap

OP he sounds just like my controlling ex, you’ve moved away and he won’t like that he isn’t controlling the situation hence his ridiculous threats. I know it’s hard and if your like me then you probably give in to a lot of these demands in hope they will be reasonable. It never works though, I would msg back and say he has no rights to step foot in your home or get involved with your childcare and that if he has any safeguarding concerns he can use the correct channels.

Ive also found that ignoring his msgs, that aren’t directly related to the kids or just giving him a thumbs up has really helped.

You get so used to the controlling behaviour that it’s hard to see through it but it does get better especially now you will have some distance from him.

Good luck with the relocation and try be as firm as you can with him 😊

If you’ve been in a controlling and coercive relationship it can be difficult to know what’s true and what’s not. You’re used to the abuse from your partner and will have lived with whatever threats, physical violence, gaslighting and other tactics and mechanisms for control they used. Once the relationship has ended the ex partner often tries to find different ways to try to exercise control and to that end can try to weaponise matters around any children involved. That’s what’s happening here, and OP has been so conditioned to the methods her ex used for control that she doesn’t recognise it. She’s clearly unprepared for his ongoing efforts to control her because she thought that had ended with the relationship. It’s not unusual and entirely understandable. It doesn’t say anything about the OP other than speaking to the trauma caused by his behaviour, and sitting in judgement isn’t appropriate.

This

@HelloHelloHelpNeeded OF COURSE your controlling CF of an ex' has NO right to veto your house - or your choice of child-minder (assuming they're properly registered with Ofsted or a registered childminder agency). Whilst I'd be sorely tempted to tell him to FOTTFSOF, I'd just ensure you're not in when he arrives unannounced i.e. don't answer the door and pretend you're not in!

Ewww no way. Tell him to do one. I’ll be honest, I would want to look around where my kids were gonna live, but I’d go about snooping in a better way. Probably go with “let me help you with the move”. This doesn’t come from a place of concern tho, or even noseyness it is definitely just control. Be glad you’re rid of him OP and don’t let him in your new house.

I tjink you should contact Women's aid and the police 102 and ask for advice.

This is Coercive control and it is a crime.
Report him.
He has none of these rights but it is what abusive men claim they have a right to.

Do not allow him into your home.
Contact the police immediately if he becomes aggressive.
He sounds dangerous.

Get a video bell asap and do not answer.
It will record him and any conversation at the door.

@Catsandcannedbeans Yup, or he could just enter OP's new post code into RightMove and see the house photo's online. Honestly, I wonder if these controlling CFs have some sort of brain damage - and I'm not being flippant either - they're definitely "wired" differently"! 😡

Absolutely spot on! 🤗

Ignore him. Either don’t tell him the address (unless legally required to) or let him show up. He can drive a few hours to stare at the exterior of your home, and be told that he’s not coming in. Ever. If he pushes back, tell him he’s trespassing and you will call the police.

This.

you are not stupid. This feeling is from his controlling behaviour making you second guess everything you do or say.
tell him communication will only happen via a parenting app (my family wizard for example)
if he wants to “veto” anything, tell him to take his concerns to a solicitor and let the courts deal with it.

with regard to him turning up to yours house, send him a very clear text or email saying that he does not have permission to come onto your property and if he does turn up, you will call the police.
call the police and advise them of the situation and what will potentially happen. They will be able to advise you of what to do.
if he continues harassing you, apply for a non molestation order to keep him away from you.
does he spend time with your child?

No, none of what he is asking is acceptable

He does not get to veto the house or the childminder

You say ‘no, that’s not happening’
On repeat, and ignore any conversation around it

Are you having actual conversations on the phone/face to face, messages or contact via a parenting app?
I would strongly suggest moving to the latter asap

It’s not your fault you are asking these questions. He’s conditioned you so thoroughly. But you can see from the answers he is wrong. Use those to have the strength to break free.

Buy or borrow a Ring doorbell.

Tell him he is not invited, you won't be letting him in, you will record his "visit" and you will be informing the police/your solicitor etc.

This is really good advice. As much as possible in writing. That gives you an evidence base if you need it, but also makes it harder for him to gaslight you - what has been said and agreed is plainly there in writing.

Well done for leaving him. You are building a better life for you and your child. Stay strong. Good luck x

Just remember No is a complete sentence you don’t to justify or explain.
You are a smart woman as you left the controlling arse, but he is now going to try every trick he can to get control back over you. It is going to be hard, he will try to make you feel crazy and that you are unreasonable. If your child is safe, cared for and happy with you he has no right to interfere.
You are not alone, many of us on here have left similar men and had to deal with their attempts to regain control.
What I can tell you is that it is worth it in the long run building a new life for you and your child.

Every time I read a post like this I just want to send power and strength to the person.

He’s desperately trying to control you because it worked for him in the past and you have moved away. Like other people have said get a ring doorbell and a chain, I would also put a chain on the back door too. He has no rights to enter your house, be prepared for more made up rights of his. I would ignore his messages unless it’s about arrangements for access with your child, if he starts asking questions about childminder you can assure him they are qualified etc and then ignore.