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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a LOTR one. I feel so upset over my DHs comment about elves.

366 replies

UnhappyHobbit · 06/05/2025 19:53

Name change for this one as it’s slightly outing.

My DH is a huge lord of the rings fan. When my DH and I first got together, he used to “lovingly” joke that I was his hobbit. I’m only 5’3” and I do dress quite quirky so I took it as a compliment. It soon became a bit of a pet name for me and as he’s short too, I likened him to a dwarf.

Over the weekend, We were at one of his friend’s house and he has a relatively new girlfriend. Their kitchen /lounge is slightly open plan so I could hear slightly the conversation my DH was having with his friends. All of his friends are lotr fans and this new gf in the group is very tall. DHs friend was bragging that he had finally managed to pull an elf. My DH exclaimed that it was every man’s dream to pull an elf… One of DHs friends said I thought it was your dream to pull a hobbit, my pet name is known to his friends. DH said he wouldn’t touch a hobbit with those big and hairy feet.

I felt so defeated over this. He has called me a hobbit for years, affectionately so I thought.

I approached him about this after the party and he said that the whole hobbit thing was him teasing me because I’m short. He didn’t want to bring this up as, in his words “I made hobbit my whole personality”. We argued and I said, why is he with me if his dream is someone very tall and well the opposite to me.!? We haven’t spoken since and I’m wondering if I’m over reacting.

Aibu for being devastated and embarrassed by this?

OP posts:
Leafy3 · 07/05/2025 01:06

(If after this my social media feeds becomes flooded with Lord of the rings fan posts I'm going to pretty peeved, just saying.)

ThinWomansBrain · 07/05/2025 01:18

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Namechangefordaughterevasion · 07/05/2025 01:28

This seems like an over reaction on your part. Your husband made a light hearted comment about anyone wanting to pull an elf. That's like saying no one would turn down Marilyn Munroe. It's a reference to the fact that non-existent Tolkien style elves are supposed to be stunningly attractive in a supernatural, un-human way, not an actual statement of preference.

FoxesBisQuit · 07/05/2025 01:36

Leafy3 · 07/05/2025 01:04

OK, op I've read your posts but got bored on page 2 of the replies (sorry, I just can't stand Lord of the rings).

When I first read your post I thought, like others, that he's been a completely insulting knob and yanbu to be so upset. A quick re-read however and I've altered my opinion.

He's still been a bit of a knob, but not such a massive one, just insensitive.

Firstly, he said the turn off with hobbits was the big hairy feet and I don't think that's unreasonable! You don't have hairy feet so this is obviously not a comparison to you. Don't be so sensitive.

He should have been sensitive to the fact that you took up the hobbit nickname and did, to be fair, build an identity around it so it was a bit of a knobbish thing to say, particularly in front of you. Hardly crime of the century though.

It seems to me what he intended as a bit of laddish joke (and in this new light, a bit neggy let's be fair) in calling you a hobbit because of your height, you interpreted as an endearing nickname and....ran away with it a bit.

So, unless this also evolved into Lord of the rings roleplay with you as a hobbit and him as a ... whatever...then this is really a case of crossed wires and not a slur on your attractiveness.

It's reasonable to feel upset that something which came to be meaningful to you isn't to him, and I can understand that it felt like you being included in a special way in his interest, but don't get hung up on it.

Perhaps he has got a bit tired of the whole hobbit thing? There are also other ways to feel involved with his Lord of the rings obsession.

I think the sting possibly comes from what felt like a sweet, endearing expression of love between you both - and maybe made you feel protected- wasn't what you thought. One could argue that he didn't have to along with it and the fact that he did is perhaps in his favour (although again, makes his remark a bit knobbish).

So. Tell him he's a knob, explain why you feel hurt (about the meaningful, endearing aspect) but don't go around thinking he's not that attracted to you just because you're not the carbon copy of an imaginary, magical being.

Not even Kate Moss looks like an elf.

Edited

100% this.

HoppingPavlova · 07/05/2025 01:51

he says he doesn’t like hobbits. You aren’t a hobbit. Unless you identify as one I really don’t see the problem

Sounds like she would be better placed to be a hobbit identifying as an elf?

Seriously, this whole thing is so odd. How you could go on a house visit like that and stay during such weird chatter is beyond me. I would have claimed headache, grabbed car keys and ran after 5mins thus sparing myself any weird hobbit/elf talk.

wandawaves · 07/05/2025 02:02

Ohh i would've been hurt by that too. What an arse.

Sorry for all the stupid comments you're getting too. People just can't seem to use their brains sometimes.

SapporoBaby · 07/05/2025 02:14

I mean he basically called you a short, homely woman and the new girlfriend tall and radiant.

id be upset too

Maddy70 · 07/05/2025 03:05

It was a joke.... Blimey. That's super sensitive and silly

ChloChloBangBang · 07/05/2025 03:08

I get why it would be hurtful and I think others would too if they could get past the whole LOTR thing. Sorry so many posters are such dicks.

andfinallyhereweare · 07/05/2025 03:08

@UnhappyHobbit it sounds like you’ve really leaned into the hobbit nickname where it doesn’t mean as much to him (for whatever reason) maybe you put more significance on the meaning behind it than he does…

AuDHDacious · 07/05/2025 03:15

TheOtherAgentJohnson · 06/05/2025 21:28

The point is that the OP is getting hung up about a jokey, fantasy conversation.

If a dwarf and Aragorn were both desperate to go to bed with her, is she really going to tell us she'd pick the dwarf?

None of us is as gorgeous as we'd like to be, and most people have fantasies about people (or, in this case, imaginary creatures) we could never have. Big deal.

Edited
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Umm, she’d pick the one she loved? Just guessing.

AuDHDacious · 07/05/2025 03:23

Jabberwok · 06/05/2025 21:41

Sorry is the script for yet another geek inspired sitcom? Grown men likening their partners to characters from a book/film? And having conversations about that? I think the world has finally gone mad. Next you'll be telling me the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42 (I bet most of you are way too young to get that reference)

What?? Are you saying it isn’t?

RandomUsernameB · 07/05/2025 05:50

OP, you are not unreasonable to feel hurt. I would be upset too if I were you. I'm sorry about the people on this thread who are being so nasty. I think that there is a big contingent of people on Mumsnet who have miserable lives and get their fun from tearing down vulnerable people. It's like they never grew out of the mean girl stage from their school days.

murphys · 07/05/2025 05:55

And here I thought elves were short.

AlertCat · 07/05/2025 06:25

TheOtherAgentJohnson · 06/05/2025 22:10

I'm fascinated by men lusting after her, which a lot of them seem to. She's beautiful, obviously, but she always plays such buttoned-up characters. Maybe that's what men like.

If I were offered the chance to magically look like anyone else, I'd want to be mega-tall and gorgeous—Sigourney Weaver in the 80s, or She-Hulk.

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OT but I saw a video of her recently saying that she chose those characters deliberately because there was such a hideous response to her playing the character in Leon. She was stalked, there was a countdown to her 18th birthday, she received disgusting letters (“fan mail”) and was just so put off that she only ever wanted to be seen as academic and studious. Really sad. I know it happens to most young women, like Emma whatsit who played Hermione Granger; Billie Piper… Why, men, why??

NotDarkGothicMama · 07/05/2025 06:30

UnhappyHobbit · 06/05/2025 20:37

Kili would.

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Kili wouldn't! The whole Hobbit trilogy was sacrilege.

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 07/05/2025 06:37

CrystalSingerFan · 06/05/2025 21:43

I trust you enjoyed this recent programme? https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0029kth

Loved the graphic design/typography lady particularly.

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Loved it!

confusedaboutetiquette · 07/05/2025 06:53

Sherararara · 06/05/2025 20:30

Well that’s one halfling that wont be riding Gandalf’s staff for a while. Smaug git who does he think he is? Upsetting his precious like that?

This is the correct answer.

confusedaboutetiquette · 07/05/2025 06:53

Ignore above - quoted the wrong post! oh dear!

Sunbline · 07/05/2025 06:54

TheOtherAgentJohnson · 06/05/2025 23:51

Exactly. I will quite openly chat among friends, in front of my husband, about beautiful celebrities. He doesn't cry "but why are you with me, instead of a Hollywood star!", any more than I question why he's with me—a ruddy-faced bumpkin built like a shire horse.

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The other woman he was talking about isn't a celebrity though, it's his mates girlfriend who was in the same house when he said it- i don't think many people would find that the same as having a conversation about someone no one is likely to ever meet.

OP a lot of people on here are miserable and can't comprehend some people have interests that involve literature or films, their sneering is clouding a lot of the replies, maybe one day they'll lighten up.

Only he knows what he truly meant and you know him better than any of us do; to me I'd read it that he's a bit embarrassed not by you but at the fact his mates also know you as hobbit and now know this new girlfriend as an elf. I can see why you're upset, if he treats you well outside of this I'd chat about it and try and move past it and cool off from the hobbit stuff a bit.

confusedaboutetiquette · 07/05/2025 06:54

MerylSqueak · 06/05/2025 20:30

Tell him he's bloody lucky to have pulled Rosie Cotton. I'll bet he's no Thorin Oakenshield.

Glasses back on. THIS is the correct answer. Tho the remark about Gandalf's staff is a good follow up

Dreco · 07/05/2025 06:56

Jesus Christ, just when you thought you’d read it all on here … someone comes along and complains that their DH prefers Elf’s to hobbits

MyOliveHelper · 07/05/2025 06:56

whitewineandsun · 06/05/2025 20:36

You're not even short!

Imagine grown men talking about actual women like they're characters from a fantasy novel. That's what would annoy me. They sound like immature teen boys. It's actually a little pathetic.

Actually it's the woman in this scenario that's taken it way too far.

Simplelobsterhat · 07/05/2025 06:56

MsTamborineMan · 07/05/2025 00:05

The problem is OP you aren't actually a hobbit. And presumably you don't look anything like a hobbit. Your just slightly short

It sounds like your DH just took this lighthearted conversation fairly literally with the big hairy feet comment, he was thinking of actual hobbits rather than you.

This is what I thought. He wasn't talking about you. He presumably does touch you so it's clear he wasn't speaking about you! (although yes, given his pet name it was thoughtless and insensitive of him). And that's why he's said what he did about making it your whole personality, because you are actually seeing yourself as a hobbit, and he doesn't.

Bananasandcarrots · 07/05/2025 06:57

How old are you? You need to grow up; the whole thing is ridiculous.

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