It’s a LOTR one. I feel so upset over my DHs comment about elves.

[UnhappyHobbit]

Name change for this one as it’s slightly outing.

My DH is a huge lord of the rings fan. When my DH and I first got together, he used to “lovingly” joke that I was his hobbit. I’m only 5’3” and I do dress quite quirky so I took it as a compliment. It soon became a bit of a pet name for me and as he’s short too, I likened him to a dwarf.

Over the weekend, We were at one of his friend’s house and he has a relatively new girlfriend. Their kitchen /lounge is slightly open plan so I could hear slightly the conversation my DH was having with his friends. All of his friends are lotr fans and this new gf in the group is very tall. DHs friend was bragging that he had finally managed to pull an elf. My DH exclaimed that it was every man’s dream to pull an elf… One of DHs friends said I thought it was your dream to pull a hobbit, my pet name is known to his friends. DH said he wouldn’t touch a hobbit with those big and hairy feet.

I felt so defeated over this. He has called me a hobbit for years, affectionately so I thought.

I approached him about this after the party and he said that the whole hobbit thing was him teasing me because I’m short. He didn’t want to bring this up as, in his words “I made hobbit my whole personality”. We argued and I said, why is he with me if his dream is someone very tall and well the opposite to me.!? We haven’t spoken since and I’m wondering if I’m over reacting.

Aibu for being devastated and embarrassed by this?

Exactly. I will quite openly chat among friends, in front of my husband, about beautiful celebrities. He doesn't cry "but why are you with me, instead of a Hollywood star!", any more than I question why he's with me—a ruddy-faced bumpkin built like a shire horse.

It's to do with the new girlfriend who apparently is attractive, more so than OP. I think Marmiteontoastgirlie is right, so many people are missing the point, even when it's logically explained to them that this is comparing two real women to the detriment of OP.

He was horrible to you, OP. You deserve better and definitely deserve an apology. The doubling down saying you've made the nickname he gave you your personality was even nastier. Does he have a habit of lashing out and saying cruel things and if you tell him you're upset by something or does he usually talk things through and explain or apologise?

I also think his friend might not have been being that nice either I think he might have been teasing him or poking fun at him about his 'hobbit', which made him react badly perhaps?

No put aside the fantasy, the point is her husband insulted her in front of his friends with no care for her feelings.

yes it’s fantasy but it’s his pet name for her and even his friends were surprised and said we thought you preferred xx which is why you call your wife the same and he went all in with no care of thought and then he tells her the pet name that she thought he called her out of endearment was actually an insult all along because she is short. Their friendship circles know that’s what he calls her so yes he humiliated her in front of them. The whole pet name was tied to her being short and he is now confirming he prefers someone who OP is not in front of his friends.

Put aside fantasy, let’s say you’re blonde and your DH has always given you the impression he loves the fact you are blonde and it’s your thing then in front of his friends he says how he can’t stand blondes because he prefers red heads and even your friends are surprised and say we thought you liked blonde that’s why you were with AgentJohnson?

People seem to be getting caught up with the LOTR fantasy part. It was an insensitive and unnecessary statement and it was mean to say he has only been calling her that all these years because she is short. He literally told her in front of their friends that he finds other types of women attractive not her. A lovely and supportive spouse doesn’t do that, and I’m sure he will play the “but it’s just banter” card when he is called out.

It doesn't matter to you

What "matters" is subjective, not a matter of empirical evidence.

Other people are allowed to have different views and feelings to you

I presumed that people who chose to use discussion (clue is in the name) forums understood this basic social truth, otherwise you'd just talk to yourself, but clearly not....

Even if it is just OP's "interpretation", given she knows the people involved and was, you know actually there it is likely that her interpretation is more accurate than a complete random on MN hearing about it third hand and deciding they know better about what was meant...

You'd think if you were right and they were only discussing hypothetical hobbits the DH would have maybe clarified this himself when OP asked????given not even he, the actual participant in the conversation, used this defence its bizarrely arrogant that you are so sure that your third hand "interpretation" is correct....

I don't think that's right. Average height for a woman was 5'3" but it's up to 5'4" now.

5'6" is taller than average for a woman in the UK.

Unless you're including men?

https://www.statista.com/statistics/332542/height-of-individuals-by-gender-in-england-uk/

Maybe the DH was just annoyed that the OP took a silly conversation so personally.

Tell him ishkh khakfe andu null, mwa ha ha.

The problem is OP you aren't actually a hobbit. And presumably you don't look anything like a hobbit. Your just slightly short

It sounds like your DH just took this lighthearted conversation fairly literally with the big hairy feet comment, he was thinking of actual hobbits rather than you.

Not sure about Gandalf, but Australia's Prime Minister, "Albo" and deputy PM, Penny Wong, both have a bit of the Hobbit about them... in a good way.

I see what you did there.

I don’t really know why I am bothering seeing as others have already explained it really well, but OP isn’t hurt because of anything to do with fictional characters. She’s hurt because her husband publicly drooled over another taller woman and then seemed to essentially disparage her body type as unattractive to his mates (the jury is out on whether he meant to, but it’s clear that she has reason to believe due to the hobbit nickname).

When confronted he made it worse, instead of just reassuring her that she is gorgeous just the way she is.

Don't forget Rossetti in Desperate Romantics...

Being honest OP I actually think he seems like he's always been a bit of a dick. For me an adult man allocating me nicknames that are (lets face it, essentially derogatory - most people wouldn't take being referred to as a "hobbit" a compliment) would be a red flag, it all seems a bit patronising and emotionally immature. I would prefer my partner to call me by my name and tell me I'm beautiful which is what emotionally mature men are inclined to do.

What you overheard him say supports that diagnosis really, its puerile, the objectifying of the other woman involved and relating women he sees and has met to a ranking system from a fantasy film/set of books is again, a red flag.The same applies to his friends - "finally pulling an elf" - good grief. He could easily have said nothing or simply said "I'm happy for you, mate", like a normal person might instead of saying what he said, and what he said and what he meant by it is is quite clear.

How he has reacted, effectively blaming you for the entire thing and trying to make you feel like you are the sad one for "making it your personality" and gaslighting you shows him up for who he is, if none of the rest of it has.

I think you're well within your rights to be hurt but I wouldn't be embarrassed, not when he is out behaving like that. I think LOTR is a bit of a red herring to the real issue here which is whether or not he is a decent partner who values you. I'd tell him that going forward I'd like to be addressed by my first name only - bet you anything he will disregard that request pretty quickly and fob you off when you challenge him on it.

I can't vote either way as it's too silly, were LOTR fans too btw.

Did you make hobbit your whole personality?.

He has been a bit crass and insensitive here, but I wouldnt divorce over it.
Tell him he is no longer a dwarf but an ork in your eyes, the noble dwarves would not accept him as their kind and he is forever banished from the mountain.

A stealth boast? I'm an elf not a Hobbit? my head

OR it was as simple as the friend comparing his girlfriend to an elf (there was no suggestion in the OP that her DP "drooled" over the girlfriend), and that was the jumping off point to a daft "would you rather" conversation about LOTR.

OP said the disparaging comment was about hobbits having big, hairy feet, not being short. Since OP is not actually a hobbit, the DP was probably blindsided and annoyed by being berated for it afterwards.

I'd be a Pratchett elf, much more fun :D

And how does that explain the fact that when she called him out later he said he has only been calling her hobbit because she is short meanwhile she has always thought he called her hobbit because he likes hobbits and it was a cute pet name for her?

Are the dwarves noble? I sat through watched LOTR and thought Gimley was an absolute bell-end.

Was the new girlfriend (the one they compared to an elf) part of the conversation about elves and hobbits, or was it just guys? With her involved in the conversation, I'd wonder if they were trying to flatter her (in a gross way); if not, I'd be a little concerned about this conversation about women which (of course, without hearing it, so maybe misunderstanding the tone) sounds really objectifying and misogynist. To be clear: not great IF the "Elf", and possibly other women, were there - potentially quite awful if not.

(I realise that this is an ironic username for discussing this topic! 😆)

We've been furnished with one line of an argument over which they haven't spoken in days. I'll take a punt that they both said stupid things.

Nah I get ya. My ex was like you're too tall you're like an elf I wish you where small etc. He's a prck for comparing his mates gf to you !!

OP start distancing yourself from this analogy by starting with a new username

I don't understand how people are missing this. The LOTR stuff is irrelevant.

OP I'd be hurt too tho ironically it's the other way round - I'm tall & funnily enough have a name from LOTR but always feel shorter women are more attractive to men, so if my DH had made thy equivalent comment to his mates about one of their girlfriends then I'd feel quite insecure too.

OK, op I've read your posts but got bored on page 2 of the replies (sorry, I just can't stand Lord of the rings).

When I first read your post I thought, like others, that he's been a completely insulting knob and yanbu to be so upset. A quick re-read however and I've altered my opinion.

He's still been a bit of a knob, but not such a massive one, just insensitive.

Firstly, he said the turn off with hobbits was the big hairy feet and I don't think that's unreasonable! You don't have hairy feet so this is obviously not a comparison to you. Don't be so sensitive.

He should have been sensitive to the fact that you took up the hobbit nickname and did, to be fair, build an identity around it so it was a bit of a knobbish thing to say, particularly in front of you. Hardly crime of the century though.

It seems to me what he intended as a bit of laddish joke (and in this new light, a bit neggy let's be fair) in calling you a hobbit because of your height, you interpreted as an endearing nickname and....ran away with it a bit.

So, unless this also evolved into Lord of the rings roleplay with you as a hobbit and him as a ... whatever...then this is really a case of crossed wires and not a slur on your attractiveness.

It's reasonable to feel upset that something which came to be meaningful to you isn't to him, and I can understand that it felt like you being included in a special way in his interest, but don't get hung up on it.

Perhaps he has got a bit tired of the whole hobbit thing? There are also other ways to feel involved with his Lord of the rings obsession.

I think the sting possibly comes from what felt like a sweet, endearing expression of love between you both - and maybe made you feel protected- wasn't what you thought. One could argue that he didn't have to along with it and the fact that he did is perhaps in his favour (although again, makes his remark a bit knobbish).

So. Tell him he's a knob, explain why you feel hurt (about the meaningful, endearing aspect) but don't go around thinking he's not that attracted to you just because you're not the carbon copy of an imaginary, magical being.

Not even Kate Moss looks like an elf.