Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

You’re not on the chat, correct?

so have they not posted on the group chat (today?) that they’re not going to be able to afford the proposed plan? And you wanted them to tell you first?

Seriously pissed off
and can no longer attend the wedding?

go for it Op. pretty sure I’ll hear their whoops of delight and relief from here

Sounds like an expensive abroad hen do, not many people want to spends hundreds or thousands of pounds on a hen do. Just pick somewhere is the UK, invite your friends and have fun.

Yes - posted over the weekend

Hen do’s can be expensive - especially if they involve flights! The other women have said they cant afford it - so either they dont go or you look at a more affordable option. But to not invite them to the wedding because they cant afford an expensive hen do is awful.

If you want your friends to come to the hen and they can only afford a certain amount then you tailor the plans to that budget. For my hen, we all agreed a budget that worked for everyone. It was more important to me to have something those who are important to me could come to then to have the hen party abroad.

You want to exclude close friends from your wedding because they can’t afford your hen party? You don’t know their personal situation and may have been embarrassed to say initially that they couldn’t afford the trip.

Change the plans and go out for a meal locally. Surely your friends are more important that a trip abroad?

They might have spoken to one another, or they might have seen one person who was brave enough to speak up and felt emboldened to do the same.

Either way if it was me, I'd be more concerned that I'd made my friends feel awkward and like they had to pay for something they couldn't afford than being pissed off.

But I assume if you're thinking of uninviting them from the wedding for this you don't really consider them friends anyway, so don't worry about it.

Yes, you would be unreasonable to say they can’t come to the wedding. Surely your friendship isn’t conditional on them having the time, money, and desire to go on a multi-night trip abroad with you?!

I can appreciate this feels really disappointing and a big deal today - but it’s how you choose to respond to it that determines whether it is a big deal long term. You decide whether you let it ruin your hen, your wedding, your friendships - or whether you feel sad for a day, put your big girl pants on, and say ok let’s find a plan that does work for everyone cause you’re important to me and I’d like as many of you there as possible.

I don’t think it’s “reasonable” to expect friends to pay hundreds for a multi day abroad hen party.

If people are willing and can afford it then great, but if it’s already expensive and the prices have gone up then you can’t blame people for dropping out, it’s an enormous ask of people in the first place.

Abroad hen do’s are totally unnecessary. You can have fun with your friends for much less money. You’re behaving like a petulant child suggesting you uninvite them to the wedding.

So you expect them to shell out on coming to your wedding - which is expensive and then you expect them to have unlimited funds for your hen? Why can’t you do a weekend break in the UK or even a night out? It’s not their fault they can’t afford it, who honestly has unlimited funds for things like hen dos when there’s a cost of living crisis!
seriously YABU massively. I would be relived if I was them and you said not to come to the wedding. Serious bridezilla alert.

Weaponising your wedding invites to punish family and friends for perceived bad behaviour rarely works out how people think it will. Generally the uninvited don't care as much as the invitor.

I think this is perfect advice. I'm old and well beyond the wedding stage now, but I promise you losing five friends over a few days on the beach is not worth it. Find a lovely house or hotel here in the UK that everyone can afford and have a laugh with your mates.

Just sticking up for OP -

My friend invited me to her hen do abroad, told me the costs and I said I couldn’t afford it.

OP’s friends have all said they can afford to go and want to come, now it’s time to book they’ve all pulled out.

Hope that helps all the posters who can’t understand why OP is upset.

Just do something easy and simple that everyone can easily afford and then you and your best friend go Ibiza or wherever you had your heart set on.

As if these 5 will be anything other than delighted and relieved to be uninvited to your wedding OP.

They will all have a chuckle about it, tell friends, colleagues and family - who will also have a chuckle about it. And your wedding will become a bit of a joke amongst a fair number of people.

Those remaining on the hen do will likely start to drop out as date gets closer.

Brace yourself Op!

You won’t shell out ££££ to come to my hen do? Right, you’re not coming to the wedding then!

Come on OP you must realise this isn’t ok.

The appropriate response is to change the hen do plan to something everyone can afford, surely.

What’s more important to you? That all your friends are able to come to your hen do, or that you have this specific abroad hen do with beds at the beach club?

It sounds to me like you’re expecting too much of your friends and they are having plans thrust upon them (either by the MOH or indirectly from you).

You need to reconsider your priorities. The fact that you are planning to uninvite them from your wedding suggests that you don’t value them as friends in the first place. It’s wild to me that brides lose sight of what’s truly important when they’re in the midst of their wedding planning.

You're obviously disappointed at the last minute change. And I see what you mean about them saying yes until now, but getting excited about all going away together is one thing and the reality of the cost is another.

Surely if they are friends enough to not just come to your wedding but also your hen do, then this is not something worth throwing that away over. Uninviting them to your wedding is quite the statement and could be the nail in the coffin. How will you feel on the day when you are having a picture taken with all your friends and five of them aren't there?

I guess my advice would be to either look at the costs and see if it can be reduced to an acceptable amount. Though this might end with someone having to be frank about a difficult financial situation that they would rather not discuss (you never know, even if you think you do). Alternatively, I would express disappointment but just reschedule to do something local that everyone can afford to do.

In the end, the question is would you rather celebrate abroad with just some people or do something with all your friends around you?

They’re pulling out now it’s time to book because the prices have gone up since they agreed to go.

You can be disappointed, sure, and even upset- but being pissed off and threatening to uninvite them from the wedding as some sort of tit-for-tat punishment? Come on.

People pull out of hen do's for all sorts of reasons- saying you can attend when it's first suggested isn't a legally binding contract.

Unless you’ve seen the whole group chat don’t assume or believe anything about what has been said

I’ve got a UK hen weekend too which people knew about at the time of the abroad one, so they could have said No to the abroad at the time knowing they could still celebrate at home.

The price of flights/accommodation hasn’t really changed since my friend sent the details, so why couldn’t they say upfront.

Two of these friend had abroad hens which I attended in the past too.

This is a reverse surely