Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

Girl.

Have you looked at the economic news lately? If not, get your head out of your Bride Bubble and check it out.

They are not willing to spend a ton of money on your destination hendo plus there's a wedding. And another hendo. WTF.

People are pulling in their belts because they are hurting. And you expect them to happily pay money needed for their household so you can be the center of attention at a time other than your wedding.

Your expectations are whack.

If you want a holiday then book and pay for a holiday, but don't expect friends to all want to spend their precious annual leave and funds on your holiday. Looks like you and best friend have massively over- stretched and pissed everyone off. You can uninvite them from the wedding if you'd like to be totally certain of them all thinking you've gone mad. Or you could call each one to apologise to them for having pushed your plans so far that they had to pull out. Meanwhile cancel the whole thing and reset it within a sensible budget. Cut your cloth according to the budget not the wish list.

Were their abroad hens much cheaper than yours? Has there been a change in their financial circumstances?

If not, then yes, I would rescind the invite for these two people. But not the other 3.

However, this is why I have never attended abroad hens, it causes too much upset and expectation.

Why not sleep on it for a few days? See if they reach out to you to you to apologise?

I hope they’re not bridesmaids? Because I would not let them be anymore.

MOH should ask if there’s a price range they are able to do and see if she can’t adjust the holiday to fit within the budget.

as someone said if it’s Ibiza etc. it might’ve been affordable with flights and hotels but once you add 2-4 club tickets etc that might be too much of a stretch for some.

of you really want the beach clubs etc but they can’t afford to stretch, maybe you can pay entry for them to come to those outings.

You're having TWO hen parties? Both including overnights?

You're taking the piss.

I'm not suggesting people can't change their mind!
I'm not suggesting anyone is forced into doing anything!
I'm saying sit down and discuss it and if that means Ann and Jane saying they really can't afford it after all that's what it means

What would you like them to do OP? Put it on a credit card so they can come?

I understand your disappointed but people don't have the spare cash at the moment, ot have other things they would rather spend it on.

2 hen weekends?

That's kind of bridezilla territory.

Are you just having the one wedding ceremony? Just one cake?

Ithink people like the idea of an abroad hen do but realities of costs and extras hit home and it’s a 1k+ jolly. I miss just getting together for a few beers tbh.

It’s annoying when people drop out of things ….
however I can’t believe how self obsessed people are . Having 2 hen dos , expecting people to pay a lot of money and find the time to attend . Then cost of attending a wedding as well .
YABU to think people care this much about your wedding - it’s supposed to be about you and your partner . Just seems all me , me , me .
The biggest showiest hen dos I’ve been to have ended with divorces within a couple of years .

I believe from my friend who enquired about the booking that you get most of the cost back as a minimum spend for food/drinks so it’s actually a reasonable deal x

Sorry but I agree with this.

I would have loved a few nights in a warm country for mine but it wasn’t feasible. Two of the hen party were pregnant, another would have had to pay for her and a dependent (adult with severe disabilities) several would have had to seriously stretch their finances. I had a garden party instead and it was lovely, low key and didn’t feel like I was taking the piss.

One of my best friends had the best hen do I've ever been on, it was at their house, we had brunch and then walked to a nearby pub for a couple drinks. Then back to theirs for Eurovision lol. It was perfect. Cost next to nothing, so much fun.

I don’t understand why people have expensive hen and stag do’s and expect others to pay for it. If it is your wedding and you want to go on holiday with your friends to celebrate either you pay for it or you don’t go. Expecting others to pay to celebrate your wedding is just crazy. You need to go to an asian wedding to see how it is done. Guests are guests and everything is paid for them. Can hardly expect others people to invest so much money into your wedding celebrations!

So the plans are ambitious, clearly expensive, and several would-be attendees now can't afford them. What did you realistically expect?

I'd have said 'no' from the onset, but going by the many weddings just from my offline experience where tears, sulks, shattered friendships and family schisms have resulted from that one simple word, it's understandable that some people hestitate to do so. If their friends are the sort of people who throw the baby out with the bathwater and retaliate in a fit of pique, then their reluctance is even more understandable.

Potential guests are investing their precious time, money and annual leave to attend your celebration. They are doing you the honour. Not the other way round. I recommend that you do uninvite them from your wedding. You'll be doing them a favour.

I had two hens and absolutely everyone came and I had the best time.

First one was hosted by my sister at her home, everyone brought food and drink - we played games, danced and just had a great time.

second one was hosted by my best friend - my dh paid for 2 rooms so we could go out at night. We went for dinner, dancing and again just had such a great time.

why are people doing this to others? Creating such expenses for people - annual leave, money, childcare for some etc.
and then there’s the wedding too- with similar expenses.

how did it get so out of hand? When did brides become so full of themselves?

are they invited to both?

Bit weird to have 2 hens for the same people. Also friends will find it easier to say no to one, because they still have the other one anyway, so they still support you.

They were similar in price, and no change in their financial situation I’m aware of, one of them posted a photo of their brand new flash car the other day and the other has had a promotion recently.

None of them have children either.

How much is it costing?

But if a place is expecting a min spend it is costing them money? And I doubt it's super cheap?

When I go places, if I'm not drinking I just get a couple pints of tap water (yes, even on a hen do! especially if it's cost a bomb overall), I wouldn't be impressed at a place where there's an expectation I spend a certain amount on drinks/food I might not want to, or I pay through the nose for a bed. Goodness me.

Honestly OP, YABVVVU.

Not if they can't spend the extra costs in the first place, though! This is surplus to what was initially agreed to.

I had a three person hen do in our city and I paid for everything.

TBH, I think it’s super crass to demand, which is essentially what you’re doing or are entitled to expect they all conform to, people fork out for something you want to do.

There could be any number of changes to personal circumstances that mean people can no longer afford the cost or time away. As long as nothing is booked people are well within their rights to change their mind and say they can't go anymore.

YABVU to threaten withdrawing their invite to the wedding.That's very petty and immature imo..

Also, if you’ve left your friend in charge of organising, don’t stick your beak in. As proven, you just upset yourself

Speak to them OP x