Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

"You can't be bridesmaids because you didn't come to my hens"

Quite frankly if a bride to be is this shallow, the said bridesmaids will be over the moon with relief if they got 'sacked'.

To the original question, there must be more to why they are suddenly pulling out now; my guess is they felt pressurised to attend the abroad do and only now have collectively found the courage to back out. I would imagine none of them could really afford it.

It's up to you, but I would be more concerned as to why your friends have had to take such drastic action rather than having the hump with them.

You would be absolutely unreasonable, this is well into bridezilla territory. Two expensive hen dos? The fact that you get the cost back as (overpriced) food and drink doesn’t make a beach club any less expensive. It doesn’t matter if you think they can afford it, you have absolutely no right to spend other people’s money for them. You need to decide if you actually care about these people as friends or just want to get money out of them.

Are you for real?

They can spend their money on themselves!

why are people doing this to others? Creating such expenses for people - annual leave, money, childcare for some etc.

because a lot of women (or men for stag weekends) actually ENJOY spending a weekend away in the sun, and much prefer this to staying in the UK. It's like a mini-holiday, I can think of worst ways to spend a long weekend.

It doesn't have to be the tacky mess most posters pretend hen weekends are.

tbf, there are different cultural expectations with Asian weddings. The whole family chips in to pay for it. The few I've been to cost upwards of £50-100k, and every blood relative chipped in a grand or more, £10-20 for each set of parents. It's insanity. Great fun for guests, but I don't expect British weddings where the couple are usually paying for it all to match up to that :)

I have been in these type of situations in the past and often when you agree to the weekend you don’t anticipate the days being filled with extra cost activities. It’s obvious you will be out at night spending money but where there is a default option to chill at a hotel pool or beach the kind of additional cost of a beach club can be annoying. You may get the cost of beds back in food and drink but maybe they were hoping to have a cheap lunch or some cheaper drinks from a shop. There are things you can do to keep the costs down and adding a beach club with expensive food and drink can be off putting.

How dare she spunk her money on a car and not your vanity trip.
I repeat, hen dos have got out of hand. Brides have got out of hand.

Get over yourself, your wedding might be a big event in your life but believe me it isn’t in anybody else’s, why should people have to fork out a lot of money going on an away hen do and then fork out even more money going to your wedding, the whole lot could amount to quite a lot of money that I’m sure people would prefer to spend on other things of their choice, I have never been to an away hens do and never would, I have better hints to spend my money on

What happened to a meal and a few drinks in the local pub ??

I’d rather not be friends with someone who did that so you’re probably doing them a favour anyway.

Enjoy your beach holiday. It sounds like this is very important to you. Horses for courses, and all that.

When were these abroad hens?

It's difficult because the sands have shifted so much under our feet in the past few years. There'll be friendship groups where people had overseas hens in the 2010s and it was established as a norm on those prices, but the cost has gone up so much so the rules have essentially changed. But people don't always realise this until they look into it.

The price only going up by the beach club is immaterial OP - the fact is they can’t afford it - they probably got carried away in the moment and thought they could - but they can’t - people are flaky/peoples situations change/ partners don’t play ball etc - they realise if they go away with you they can’t have a family holiday - whatever!!

I would just knock it on the head and have a good UK one over a couple of nights .

I realise you are disappointed but that’s life - don’t lose friends over it , the older you get the more you realise good friends are hard to come by (and keep) and one day you might be the person who ‘can’t afford it’

you haven't answered wrt ballpark figures for both hens @Dayna87

It may affect how people reply, or are you uncomfortable sharing that?

You sound a nightmare, and I say this as a recently married woman.

Christ knows why your friends having a car or no children, means they should spaff £££ up the wall for your vanity trip.

And yet there’s tons of threads proving otherwise. Like this one 🤣

Sorry, a UK hen AND an abroad hen? This is ridiculous. No wonder people are pulling out.

Are you absolutely sure that your best friend hasn’t included other elements to the trip that will be additional costs, with the expensive beach club being perhaps the final straw? You not being on the planning thread seems rather odd. Perhaps they felt it was all getting a bit out of hand. Can just you and your best friend go away?

If nothings actually been booked why not arrange something more affordable in the UK?
Although to be honest if you're talking about not inviting them to the wedding you don't value their friendship so they're probably better off not bothering.

God I hate hen dos...

This.

it might just be the beach club is the final straw or is making clear the tone of the trip and they realised that the spending costs after the flight and accom costs are going to be mad and best to pull out now.

To dictate how they should be spending their own money?

Great way to tank a friendship, I guess.

It’s not though, unless the cost of entry is under £80. Beach clubs can be €250 for entry. I wouldn’t eat and drink that much over a few hours.

uninviting them from the wedding would just show that your weekend away is the priority to you and not your friendship. If it annoys you that much, off you go, but you are putting an end to your friendships there and then.

OP already has arranged something in the UK over a weekend, separate to this, with guests expected to attend both.

How on earth can you expect your friends to pay for 2 hen dos and the wedding itself (travel, accommodation, dress, gift etc)?!
Must be close to or even over £1000?!

My best friends are well earning - GPs, lawyers - and we had a London activity and dinner out. Or one had a stay in a lovely B&B just outside of London.
I would never DREAM of asking them to spend so much just because I was getting married.
(And that was before the UK got hit with this Cost of Living crisis, where even our supermarket shop spend has tripled.)

We've been friends over 30 years. I value my deep friendships over a stupid weekend holiday.