Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

How much extra did the beds at the beach club cost?

Don't be greedy having two hen events. Have one local night for all to enjoy.
Are you having a wedding abroad too?

But perhaps they put it on the group chat to see if there was a work around or alternative

why would they immediately jump to telling the Op before then?

You're having TWO 'residential' hen trips? Seriously, why do you need all this on top of the actual wedding?

Hen nights used to be just that - a night out. But now, women are expected to shell out for these trips AND for the wedding. YABU.

Welcome to Lesson 1 of “nobody cares about your wedding other than you and maybe parents”

How are you so sure they’ve been plotting? Could it have been a a case of one had the balls to say it and then the others saw it and, relieved, jumped on the bandwagon.

I was also the organiser of a friends hen. She wanted to go to X expensive activity. People said they couldn’t afford it in our separate group chat. Bride wanted names.

Dont be like that. Other people won’t care as much. The hen is nothing. Your marriage is.

The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

You say 'an extra little bit' was added to the cost? Surely, whether it's a little bit is subjective? Maybe that's why they're pulling out. Sounds expensive enough already.

You would be unreasonable to uninvite them to the wedding, but if you do, at least they'll know what's important to you, and that it isn't them.

They could have agreed to it then had other costs so they didn’t have the spare money they thought they had.
I usually have an emergency £600. That is the most I can get together and I do earn decent money. At the moment it’s gone as I needed a new front door so if I had thought I could go abroad I now wouldn’t be able to because I have nothing for an emergency until I can build it back up. Things change. I imagine lots of people are in similar financial positions.
The cost of the beach club or whatever it was may have been the nail in the coffin if they were already at the top of their budget.
If you have a UK hen do just enjoy that one. Either cancel the abroad one or just change it to different accommodation and go with whoever still wants to do.

I thought you said you've added on bed rental at a beach or something?

I have seen this kinda thing play out before tbh. Costs become out of control, or people agree and then something changes, or things keep being added on. IDK how much the bed rental is but I would imagine one of them messaged another they're close to saying this is getting out of hand, I can't do it, and checked in on others in case they felt too awkward to say they can't go anymore, and it grew from there.

If these people were apparently close enough friends to have been invited on the hen do to begin with, you need to think very seriously about how you handle this. If you mess it up you could lose them for good. Anyone who puts their wedding celebrations above the finances of friends will not come out well. When it comes to weddings you really do have to let things go, I know people who've fallen out permanently over seemingly innocuous things.

I would suggest you post in the chat saying something about how you're glad they spoke up and sorry it got so expensive, and ask whether people would rather scrap the abroad hen do and just have a big UK one or an extra UK one if the existing one can't be amended. And say you love them and their time and love is worth way more to you than a holiday.

Be very careful OP.

The costs of everything has gone up, lots of people can't afford as much as before. Maybe they have realised it's this or a family holiday this year, or they just can't justify the cost. They have told you in advance if your hen isn't until later this year. Accept they can't go and either cancel the abroad plans or do it with the people who can go.

Unless something substantial has changed to what was agreed something has happened between them, or they are generally the types to get caught up saying to yes to too many things, not budget or plan ahead very well and flake

I'd step in, check everything is ok and then and ask them what budget they'd prefer and type of thing, and then if that sounds ok to you ask one of them to go ahead and book it for the group. That way any deposit is on them and not on you or your friend. But be prepared for it to be on a much lower scale

Ugh. Hen dos.

Just have a lovely dinner or lunch out with your friends which everyone can afford and relax and enjoy.

The number of threads on MN about trouble caused by crazily complicated and expensive hen dos is ridiculous. Best way to lose friends, if you ask me.

Even if the beds were a small amount, when people have budgeted for something and it grows it can very quickly cause resentment, not everyone has endless free cash sitting around for stuff like this.

I've just been invited to a similar hen party - the headline cost (accomodation and flights) weren't too bad but then the additional costs began to add up... I've booked lunch 1 at xxx restaurant, I've booked a beach club for a bottomless brunch... I'm planning xx activity...

It soon adds up and becomes very expensive!!

It’s a massive cost when attending a hen weekend abroad so I feel you should be understanding.

For five to drop out it must be very expensive.

I think it was very rude of your friends not to go to you and say they could no longer afford the hen do. They should have have an honest conversation with you. But come on, OP, TWO hen dos? And while you may have gone on abroad for friend's hen dos in the past, times have changed quite dramatically for a lot of people in recent years. I think you should all get together and try and work something else out or just spend a bit more on the UK hen do and have a bit of a blow out on that one. if you disinvite them from your wedding, they are not going to be your friends going forward and I can't blame them.

I'm not a fan of abroad hen dos but they agreed to the cost. I can understand why OP is upset.

Rather than going without them could you all sit down and agree a more realistic budget and stick to it? You'll have fun wherever you go. This is better than all falling out.

You know hen nights are hated on MN, so you can always expect some extremely negative reactions, completely ignoring the fact that many people DO like them and much prefer going abroad as guests!

OP, you are not on the group chat, so you are missing a lot of information.

Also as shitty as it sounds to agree on something and tell pull out at the last minute, maybe they just realised that they actually can't afford the cost, or maybe the group chat put them off.

Up to you if you go abroad with 1 or 2 friends only, or if you organise something cheap and local. Or do both.

If you uninvited people because you are sulking, you lose your friends, is it worth it?

I think you honestly deserve it. All these abroad hen dos are just the height of ridiculousness. What is wrong in doing something local and not putting expenses on your friends?
And spending more money on ridiculousness like booking beds, good for them on backing out.
Life has become massively expensive of recent, expecting people to pay stupid money on a party and then there is the wedding too. I would just cancel it, there is no need. Add them to the UK one and keep it simple.

I agree.

Expensive multi-night hen parties abroad aren't something everyone can afford and I think it's unreasonable to expect ones friends to pay out all that money - and then disinvite them from the wedding if they can't afford it.

The last hen party I went to was an evening in a private room at the local pub and everyone had a great time. No-one was feeling pressurised to spend a lot of money and we were able to properly celebrate my friend's forthcoming wedding.

You say they were happy with the original price - I assume that was just accommodation and flights - did that include drinks and food?

Now you’ve added on a beach club where presumably as well as having to pay for beds the food and drink will be a lot more expensive. Maybe they expected to use the pool at the accommodation or the local beach which would be cheaper or free or if it was an all inclusive package that they weren’t expecting to pay much more.

Now it’s coming to booking they can see how the costs might keep rising.

They haven’t spoken to you as you are not on the group. Arrange for something they can attend in the UK separately from your hen do abroad.

Beach bed rental, as requested by the bride, pushes the price up ‘a little bit’ (quite dubious that it’s a little bit, but sure) then drinks on top - drinks at these places are usually $$$.

I think hen dos abroad are on the wane, tbh.

Also, I think your response is why they told the organiser, and not you..

exactly this!

Not being on the group chat means missing all the information given to the group.

They agreed and they can change their mind. No one should be forced to spend money if they can’t afford it.

When organising anything at any significant cost you should factor in that half the people who say they can afford it will pull out when it comes time to pay. "Events, dear boy, events."

Surely you see that people’s budgets may not stretch to additional costs such as the beach club, where drinks are usually very expensive as well as entry. Could you pay for that element for all your friends if it’s that important to you, or forego another element?

It is not worth losing good friends over this. Maybe pare back your plans abroad to a smaller group if it’s proving too costly.