Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

This

Expecting anyone to spend significant money and annual leave on a hen do is unreasonable to start with. Trying to punish people for no longer going along with the nonsense is unreasonable to the nth degree.

Have a nice hen night somewhere local and appreciate the friends you have.

You are being very unreasonable and spiteful to want to exclude them.

But, if you want to lose your friends and earn yourself the nickname of Bridezilla, go ahead!

Hen dos are a load of shit, everyone has to spend a tonne of money to do something ridiculous, what happened to just having a day out/night out together and having a good time.
Bam them from your wedding and you'll, rightly, lose the friends completely.

If that’s the case then a compromise on not going to the beach club needs to be cancelled. I don’t think OP is saying that it’s because of the extra cost, they’ve just completely pulled out because of the original cost anyway.

OP might need to clarify that information though.

Yeah that’s correct, the price hasn’t increased x

But the cost of living crisis means that even previously agreed amounts may now be impossible for some budgets. Other costs have escalated, people may have list jobs—and in fact the bride is insisting on upgrading to reserved seats at the pool so the cost of this event is rising unpredictably.

This is so unkind and unnecessary.

Go on a nice holiday with the people too weak to tell you they can't afford it.
You can't expect to inflict it on everyone. They've probably got other hens and and weddings and family events they need to pay for this year. Not just yours. It all adds up. Hen dos have got right out of hand.
Or maybe they want to spend their money on their own holidays and not yours.
Enjoy the beach club.

Your hen can still be great. If you want to go abroad that was always going to run the risk of pricing out some of your friends. I presume you were inviting them and not demanding their attendance so there was always a risk of people saying no once they realise the full cost implications. You know the lie of the land now. You have choices continue with abroad or choose something more local. It can still be great. Disappointment is a normal human emotion you will get past it.

YABU for having a UK hen weekend AND an abroad hen and getting annoyed that people can't come to both (regardless of when they informed you).

Exactly this. I can sympathise that you thought they had all agreed and are now sad that the trip you thought you were having won’t happen, but surely your friendships matter more.

I also wouldn’t be sure that they had all agreed to the cost. There may have been murmurings about the cost, or people were silent hoping they’d find the money somehow, and your best friend ploughed ahead thinking they were all on board.

You know what OP I get the feeling of disappointment and let down and hurt that you were not contacted. BUT - I think if these are your real friends - it would be such a mistake to let this sour the friendship.

Abroad is expensive! and the thing with the sunbeds at a club (is it ibiza??) - is they will have thought - ok this is the start of loads of add ons for the holiday

I just can't imagine choosing such a pricy trip and adding on whatever I felt like and assuming people would be happy to pay

I think you need to take a deep breath and be the bigger person - email them all and say it seems it's too costly for everyone so Im changing my plan.

What about the actual wedding op? Is that a pricey event for people to attend? Far away? Overnight accommodation? If so, perhaps an expensive hen do on top is too much?

It’s a bit shit to mad at your friends not being able to afford something.

and beach clubs beds which usually have a minimum spend on food/drinks or cost £100+. On top of flights accommodation food outings plus the actual wedding costs is a big ask.

if you went your friends to come you tailor to their budget or go on a slimmed down hen do with only those that can afford it.

OP ask yourself, is it reasonable to uninvited a friend to a wedding because they can’t afford to go abroad for your hen do.

Can you afford your hen do without them reducing the cost by attending?

So insensitive. People may have stretched already to the initial budget cost. Going over can put it out of reach for some. Don’t think for a minute beach club beds (and the drinks when there) are always cheap. For a nice place anyway.

@Dayna87

What's the ballpark figures for both the abroad and UK hen do's?

This is an OP who is going to uninvite 5 presumably close friends because they can’t afford a change in plan re an abroad hen do. And rather than tell the op beforehand, they have put it to the group chat, possibly to see if there was an alternative solution BEFORE telling the OP for definite.

it is the op that is being unkind and necessary

these 5 won’t be the first drop outs I expect. Far from it

👏

It's ok to change your mind re cost as people's circumstances can change. To consider not inviting them to the wedding because of this is appalling!

I think you just stick with the UK hen do and go to the abroad place with whichever mates genuinely fancy a holiday.

what made you so bitter to have such an extreme reaction? Odd.

I think people often really like the idea of a holiday, and hope they can swing it, but when it comes down to it they find they can't. Rent and bills take precedence, or a partner points out that it isn't really affordable.

People do feel pressure to say yes as well, even if there is another option.

just a little bit more -

I think the idea of an expensive hen is madness especially when so many people are finding it harder to balance their budgets

Well it looks like I’m the only person who doesn’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset OP.

Not one of your friends have reached out to you to say they don’t have the money anymore.

I also want to clarify I always have to turn down abroad hen do’s because I’m a part time worker after coming back from maternity leave so I don’t have lots of money spare - I always tell the bride upfront I can’t afford.

If your circumstances change and you are now unable to afford the hen do, you reach out to the bride and explain.

In your position I would reach out to all 5 friends and just explain you understand circumstances change but you wish they let you know rather than finding out from your best friend. I would suggest going away with your friends who can afford it and still want to go and doing something smaller for those who can no longer afford the big hen do, I wouldn’t disinvite them to the wedding but I also wouldn’t bend over backwards for them in the future x