Hen plans in tatters - friends have gone behind my back

[Dayna87]

I’m getting married later this year. Hen plans firmly in the hands of my best friend - location agreed with me but I’m not in the group chat and she’s leading on booking etc.

They’ve got to the point of needing to book flights/hotels and five of the attendees have said they need to pull out due to cost despite confirming initially they were happy with it. The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit.

These friends all posted on the group chat at the same time so clearly have spoken with each other to say they won’t go now. None of them thought to speak to me first and let me know personally. My friend organising says this causes issues with the cost of accommodation now so we are having to re-think.

I am seriously pissed off. Would I be wrong to say they can no longer attend the wedding?

Do people really go to 2 hens? I’m biased because I can’t imagine anyone having two hens, but I also would not go to two hens. ‘I’ll go to the local one thanks can’t make both’ but by all means uninvite them for being normal people, if you don’t like normal people that’s your prerogative 😁

Firstly, I would get best friend to ask them what their now budget is and if they still want to attend if she can make it cheaper.

Then I’d get onto the hotel etc and see if it can be made cheaper/cancelled.

There is obviously a bigger story here.
It is either genuinely more expensive than originally planned or they don’t want to go for a different reason.

I think if I was you I would speak to them yourself and find out the issue and what can be done about it.

Yeah go back 23 years when I got married, all of us had an amazing night out. No one did anything residential- just wasn’t a thing. I had a murder mystery evening, my best friend did cocktail making etc. I don’t think any of us would have expected our friends to shell out for a holiday in the UK, let alone abroad. Weddings are expensive anyway just for the day.

Beach clubs are almost always overpriced or they force you to buy £250 bottle of Booze that costs £50 in the supermarket 🫠

Two hen do's, both overnight?

Utterly ridiculous.

And you're asking if you should uninvited those who can't afford to go from your wedding? Bridezilla.

Do you really want to be the subject of gossip?

"Did you hear about Dayna? TWO overnight hens, one here, one abroad - that's a lot of money to ask people to spend! Then she added MORE expense to the abroad one - and when some of her friends couldn't afford the abroad hen do, she uninvited them from the wedding! Can you believe it?! What a ***! Who does that?!"

That would go round your wedding like wildfire the minute someone said, "Where's so and so?"

Do you really want the gossip at your wedding to be about how mercenary and bridezilla you are?

How much extra is the beach club thing?

I meant OP should just talk to them about why they didn’t let her know they could no longer go and pulled out last minute despite saying they could afford it originally.

I personally would have messaged bride to say sorry I can no longer afford it but I will still be coming to the local one.

The expectation of having people go abroad for your hen is unreasonable to begin with.

Most people aren’t fortunate enough to even get an abroad holiday with their own family let alone have the cash to stretch to a hen do abroad.

With anything abroad like a hen do or destination wedding you have to accept that even if you want people there, the reality is that it’s just not realistic for a lot of reasons including finances, childcare, work leave and so on.

Sometimes people feel pressured to agree and once they’ve looked at all the hassle and admin it takes to actually go it’s just not worth it.

This, completely. I would never agree to this kind of trip, because the kind of bridezilla that wants a hen do abroad is always going to add extra things (the expensive beach club being the classic one) that add more £££ to an already expensive trip. The Instagram-intended beach club will certainly have been the last straw.

And I make no apology for using the term “Bridezilla” - expecting that childless people should spend their money on what you dictate, and prioritise your hen do over a major purchase like a car is the very definition of that.

Exactly. I’d do it if I had to so not to let my friend down but I wouldn’t want to. If I had money and time to spend on a mini break, I’m going with my husband!

The whole family does not, usually just the parents of the bride and groom. And you do things as you can afford. But whoever attends gets food and drink. Most weddings are also no gifts. So all guests have to do is turn up and enjoy themselves. What I am trying to say is a wedding is a celebration, you want your near and dear ones there to make it special not out of pocket due to expenses.

My cousin had a destination wedding in Indonesia last month. The hotel stay was paid for and food for the 3 days was all at different venues and paid for by the hosts. People did pay for their flights though even that was covered for those who are not as well off. Wedding was enjoyed by all. Totally about 80 people from all over the world turned up. Groom and bride from US, some family from Australia, UK and rest from India. Fab over all.

It is annoying when people change their minds about something and if I did something like that, I would tell you personally. But they are allowed to change their minds.

Up to you who you have at the wedding. Uninvite them if you want.
Are any of them going to the UK hen do? If so, if you are uninviting them, you might want to let them know before they pay for that.

Then I can see why you’re upset.

Are these close friends? Maybe if the friendships have run their course it might be a good time to let the friendships drift?

There’a no point having them at your wedding if it’s going to upset you to see them there.

But if they’re close friendships I would give them a change to reach out to you and explain why why they’ve done this. Tell the MOH to tell tjem
to contact you directly so they can’t behind her.

Back in the olden days it was called a hen (or stag) NIGHT. Because it was one night out. That’s it.
Then it expanded and became ‘do’ and now a holiday, with lots of matching manufactured tat.

Im glad I’m old and past this stage.

There’ll be hen loans and hen mortgages next.

@Dayna87 There has to be a back story to this, and one you might not be aware of. For 5 people to get together and all say they are pulling out at once, something about the trip has triggered this. Either something said on the chat, or spiralling costs. Have you been shown the chat thread? I’d be wanting to read the whole thing before I started jumping to any conclusions.

Clearly depends on cultural specificities, my in laws are Sikh and each sibling on both sides chucked in £1-2k plus parents on both sides, aunties and uncles, grandparents etc. usually parents alone can't manage tens of thousands of pounds so everyone contributes.

I do agree though, weddings and celebrations shouldn't put guests out of pocket at all. I was baffled recently to see someone ask whether it's the done thing that guests need to contribute enough cash to cover the cost of their meal!

Please do un-invite them to your wedding. You don't sound like much of a friend and you'd be doing them a favour making that clear.

It's not "last minute" though - it hasn't even been booked yet.

That's a very good interpretation of what may have, actually happened @IThoughtHeWasWithYou

The price has not gone up other than it being agreed we’d book beds at a beach club I’m keen on going to which adds an extra little bit

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. It's only since what we used to call 'hen nights' started involving flights and hotel bookings and 100s of pounds that they started becoming hard to organise. In fact we used to organise our own. "Meeting in X pub at X time, going on for a late -ish dinner in X restaurant and anyone who wants to go on to dancing somewhere, we're all off to X. Please let me know if you're coming to the meal as I'll need to book"

Then it got to all day events, then overnights, then weekends and now it's abroad or nothing. It's just not doable for most people with the current CoL.

Why don't you break the mould OP, and just have a jolly old early doors knees up and a slap up dinner somewhere mid range. Your friends will thank you for it.
Or if a pub crawl isn't your style, a spa day somewhere (ugh)

Life is expensive right now. I don’t know why hens need a whole weekend or week abroad, when I got married (2008) there was no way it was affordable and I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking. We had an amazing day in a fabulous location close to home, stress free and fun.
Cost of living is hard right now, going abroad is a luxury. Don’t un-invite 5 friends from your wedding, you’ll be the one to loose out.

And or their circumstances have changed or now it's close they have realised how much it is and what else they might do with the money rather than blow it on a couple of days abroad.

I find it quite pompous to expect people to fork out on a trip abroad for your hen do. If they have families, they will prefer to keep the money for a holiday with them.

My best friend had a hen do abroad but I made it clear I wouldn’t be able to attend due to childcare and cost.

So your friends who can’t afford to go abroad are no longer allowed to your wedding!!! Wtf
id tell you to do one with that attitude

Most people aren’t saying it is unreasonable to be upset, just that you don’t uninvite people from your wedding because they don’t want or can’t afford to pay to go abroad with you.