Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

[Justacupoftea123]

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

I think once or twice a month is more than enough for a visit to or from an adult child.

She’s complaining that she only sees your newborn twice a week?? She’s being ridiculous, no one can claim with a straight face that that isn’t seeing him often.

That would really have annoyed me re hanging around at nap time especially. When I had 2 under 2, nap time was precious and I really needed that break in the day when I could rest, especially as they were very early risers and by lunch time I was shattered.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and think you should have a conversation about boundaries. If they come in the morning then they need to be away by lunch time. At least if you go and see them every so often you can choose when you leave.

It sounds like they are becoming very dependent on you for company and for providing something to do for them. This is too much. I think you need to be really clear and say what you can’t cope with such frequent visits with two very small children (because you’ve got lots of other stuff that you have to do, chores etc) . It’s ok to say no. Make sure the no is on text so they can’t claim they forgot

Are they able to do anything else in their life? Hobbies, activities, holidays, park walks, days out? Encourage them to do so, so they’re not reliant on you all the time

That is really tough, she is obviously very lonely and wants to see you all BUT it’s too much.

can you visit her instead? That way you control the times and can leave to suit nap time etc?

Is it not both your Mum and Dad? She is being driven by him. Are they no help at all? So you could plan a morning visit and them take over the children, while you get something done, that's very difficult with babies? Would your Dad be able to do park outings when the eldest gets bigger? Could they do wrap around nursery, later on? My Mum liked to feel useful, she did my ironing and bits of shopping. It still made her feel part of family life. She had me at 40.
It's really unfair for parents to try to make their adult children their hobby. They (including me, at nearly 60) need to make their own social life.

Oh god, this sounds like the episode of Motherland where Jeff and Elizabeth turn up to "help Juila with the childcare".

Next time they do it, give them jobs to do. Like folding laundry or washing up. If they say anything say "well it needs doing and I can't stop it all just because you arrive, so i assume you're happy to help". When it's nap time; say "time for my rest now, I'm going up for my lie down" and literally fuck off upstairs with your phone. They should get the hint!

The only way to end it is with enforced boundaries. For example, “Well mum and dad, it’s been lovely to see you this morning and as I mentioned before you arrived, it’s time to leave now as it’s nap time. Bye!” It’s a shame they’ve put you in a position of having to do that, but if needs must. Keep enforcing the time limit. I’d also be busy if they turn up without invitation. Answer the door and express your surprise that they’re on the doorstep - “Oh, hi mum and dad - we weren’t expecting you today. Sorry I can’t invite you in, we have plans today. Check in next time won’t you, so you don’t have a wasted journey. See you soon!”

Yanbu op, that sounds really hard.

Can you specifically invite them on certain dates, and then really emphasise that you won't be seeing them till that date?

I'd be fairly honest with them and say that it's quite hard work looking after 2 under 2 and you can't be entertaining them frequently as well. Tell them it's really not OK to just turn up unexpectedly and the next time they do this you might have to not invite them in. You owe this to your dh and dc, they deserve a bit of peace and rest at home.

Also you could try compensating by doing more frequent video calls - still a slight chore when you're overwhelmed with small kids, but at least more manageable.

Did you let them in or send them away?

@Ponoka7 My mum had me at 45. And is now late 70s. Her rheumatoid arthritis means she can’t even really fold clothes because of the pain it causes in her hands.

Her idea of childcare now (as it’s all she can manage) is letting our toddler watch TV all day or trying to get him to sit and read stories in the house for hours on end. My toddler is very active and likes to be outside/needs that to tire him out.

My Dad is equally controlled by my mum. He has cancer and tries his best to help. But again, that looks like doing our dishes in the sink - despite us asking him to just use our dishwasher. Or he will try to take our toddler to the park but can’t control him well. I ended up out looking for them after he hadn’t taken a mobile - they weren’t at the park anymore when I arrived, had been out for 2 hours by this point, it was way past lunch time and nap time despite me asking him to be back by then. Turned out my toddler had basically ordered him around and he hadn’t said no. I eventually found them both walking…miles from our home and I was 2 weeks postpartum. My husband was at the shops buying food so it meant I had to drive around despite not being cleared to do so.

i feel both sorry for my dad but also frustrated because he struggles but my mum tells him to take our our toddler to help out, I think because she can’t.

How frustrating. She turned up when you had plans the next day? She couldn't wait 24 hours? I think you may have to consider not letting them in if they have turned up when you specifically said no, although that may mean she just 'pops by' without asking first.

Agree with the pp about going upstairs for a rest during naptime, as long as dh doesn't feel obliged to entertain.

Also, just be less pleasant. When I've had a newborn I'm terrible company, exhausted and short tempered. I'd have absolutely no qualms in snapping grumpily at unexpected guests.

About the unwanted food... I recently asked my visiting mum to help me declutter our utility where she found loads of the unwanted food she'd recently given me. Exotic sweets that the kids don't like, and unusual ingredients, I just don't have time to learn how to cook them right now, with fussy kids we basically eat fish cakes or bolognese! She came to me and said she'd stop giving me food and I was so relieved.

Did you send them away yesterday? Are they not able to use a phone to let you know they’re coming? I would be really cross at the amount of visits and lack of notice. You need to be firmer and tell your dad not to visit unless pre-arrange. It’s very disrespectful of them to be stamping on your boundaries. I certainly wouldn’t let your dad take out the toddler alone again.

@BendingSpoons @Sunnyglowdays @RobinHeartella

thanks! We ended up not inviting them in. I felt awful but had to move past that because I am trying to put my husband and children’s needs first and it wasn’t suitable.

The funny thing is that I do already video call her all the time. In fact when I started mat leave and up until our newborn was a few weeks old I would sometimes call her every day.

shes partly struggling with knowing that we are having other visitors - my husbands family and friends who want to come. They all come for 1-2 hours max though. And then all we want is a few days to ourselves as a family again but think my mum then views that as “her time”

Wow just read this update. I would have been utterly enraged at your dad. I hope you gave him a solid telling off.

He endangered you by making you drive so recently postpartum (I'm guessing a c section).

I have a rule, if you take my toddler (3yo or below), you have to be contactable and I have to know where you are. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I wouldn't let your parents look after your kids again until the kids are a bit older. Are they even able to change a nappy, with their mobility needs?

@RobinHeartella my dad, bless him, has tried to change a nappy while my mum gave directions. He put it on back to front. They then didn’t dispose of the nappy and we found it that evening hidden in our utility room (guessing my toddler put it there lol).

I wasn’t there when it all went on!

It’s not fair for her to use you as her only form of entertainment. She needs friends/hobbies. Can your dad take her to a local church OAP/seniors club or similar.

@Peacepleaselouise thanks. The funny thing is she does still have friends over on days where she doesn’t come. She also recently went to a church group and out for coffee.

so I’m not sure what goes on in her mind. But she 100% would cancel on all her friends in a heartbeat if I said she could come to ours everyday.

How often did they visit pre baby? Was it this intense after your first?
If not I would point out the change and how it worked before.

You're going to need to be brave and have a conversation with them.

I know it's hard, I've had similar issues with my Dad and he always does this kind of kicked puppy look when you try to assert boundaries.

Part of me thinks that my dad's generation were expected to just pander to their parents, so now he's reached that point he thinks that it will just be the same.

Coming over and just sitting around expecting to be entertained when you have little ones is exhausting. I've often said parenting is not a spectator sport!

I'd start the conversation with something like:

It's lovely to see you and I appreciate the effort you make but it's exhausting trying to juggle everyone's needs at the moment. I need to make changes to organise our family time better so I don't feel exhausted all the time. I can't be there for everyone as its making me feel overwhelmed. It would be best if we organise your visits better so that it doesn't put pressure on anyone and we can all enjoy them.

Then talk about what you'd like to happen.

The guilt is horrible, especially when they're not in the best of health but you have to do it or resentment builds and it comes to a head.

@OatFlatWhiteForMe
they came over once a week to again “help” with our eldest because I was working and pregnant. At that point my mum would bring us homemade dinner which was a big help.

We communicated at the time that we wouldn’t need it going forward as my husband gets 6 months paternity leave (I know, we’re very lucky) and we want to make the most of that as it’s really a once in a lifetime for us. He only had 2 weeks with our eldest.

Do they do this through the week and at weekends?

@ThejoyofNC it used to only be through the week but now we’re on Mat and Pat leave it’s whenever, week day or weekend

I do feel for them, but I feel for you more!

Have you tried to really talk this through with your mum at a calm moment on the phone? Rather than constant firefighting? Does she get it of you spell out the difficulties of having such young children and trying to juggle that and family life? She obviously desperately wants to be involved and be helpful, but needs to accept that she is not helpful in the way she'd like. That doesn't mean she or your dad can't be helpful at all ever, but right now you need to prioritise the children. Ask her advice on stuff that doesn't matter too much (you don't have to follow it!), to help her feel involved. Invite them to yours on a specific day next week with clearly defined timings. Get the next visit planned before they leave so you all know where you stand. And for goodness sake don't let your dad take the toddler out alone any more for the sake of your blood pressure!

My mil was only a bit more mobile than your mum and keen to 'help'. We visited them when DC1 was very tiny once and I returned from the kitchen where I'd been making tea with DH to realise that the pram with the sleeping baby in it was gone... Fil told us mil had taken baby for a walk for us. Well, I could have done without the pp run, but I caught up with her and accompanied her round the block and back while explaining as gently as I could muster (not particularly) that I need to know where the baby is and would chase down anyone who thought they could just piss of with them without a word. Between my panic and presumably dh's chat with fil they at least didn't try anything like that again.

I think in their excitement gps can sometimes forget the realities.