Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

[Justacupoftea123]

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

if she is getting into a routine with toddler naps, how well do you think it would go down to say "Mum, Dad, I am going to settle toddler for a nap and have one myself. Please don't have the TV or radio on or make noise or pretty much do anything because we are establishing a routine."

Awww I actually feel sorry for these grandparents because they’re clearly just wanting to help but haven’t worked out the boundaries properly.

Replies like this are interestingly because they are rarely seen on posts where the OP is dealing with ILs rather than their own parents. Then it's NC all the way and don't look back.

I think unless you experience it first hand, it's hard to explain

But My DM does this sometimes and i totally get what the op is saying.
My dm would also be mortally hurt if I tried to say anything ever.
Its not an easy situation

My DM "washes up" unasked which translated to leaving a load of sudsy items on the side not rinsed or dried and put away so water can ingress on the counter and knives can be perilously balanced on bowls etc. Its NOT help... putting it in the dishwasher is help.
When I delicately approached this she got SO upset and then started putting things in the dishwasher. She did like she hadn't owned one for 10 years. I cpuldnt stack a dishwasher as badly as she would if I TRIED. If I didnt know better I geniunely would assume she was trying to wind me up / be unhelpful. I cant bring myself to raise it again so now I have to vigilant clear every meal immediately.

Re the food inhale experienced this

Essentially, They turn up (usually when you have an arranged visit and have food planned already) with loads of food which they insist on opening or half preparing and then leave mess all over the kitchen
OR
they turn up announced when you've literally just cooked two portions of meat and the online shop isn't coming until tomorrow so that's all you have and you are left scrambling and they "dont fancy an omelette or sandwoch" but are hungry and fancy a bag of crisps and thryxant believe you dont have any

@Justacupoftea123
i HATE the "being stuck sitting in the house" thing too!
Its like a shit PG rated horror movie where the main thing killing the characters off is sheer boredom.

As summer approaches I'd get googling and find plades equidistant
stately homes / activity spaces (soft play outdoor adventure places, splashparks, even decent park playgrounds) between your 2 houses so you reduce the drive and cap the time.

Your DM can sit on a bench / whatever and watch while you play with the kids you can feed them lunch in the cafe and all eat together - how nice! then 《yawn》 it's been great seeing you but kids are knackered and its nap time and you drive home.

You are not being unreasonable, and it is definitely a good idea to set boundaries and stick to them, but try to be gentle too. Your mother is elderly and in poor health, one day you will look back and miss her. I hope your dad is able to recover 💐

I wasn't sure if I thought YABU or not until this update and realise my recent loss might distort my opinion.

Now I most certainly think YABU - your Mum's late 70s and your Dad has cancer! How much longer do you think they'll be around for!? I understand how overwhelming it is to have an elderly parent needing a degree of care plus young children... But, whenever I felt myself thinking 'too much' I reminded myself Mum wouldn't be around forever and the alternative was worse. She died 4 weeks ago, it's her funeral tomorrow and I'd give ANYTHING for her to still be here needing me to run the vacuum round, change her bed or drive her to an appointment instead.

Like I said, I know this isn't the general consensus but having just lost my Mum I think YABU.

I suppose I would find that annoying. I don't remember having specific naptimes for my DC - it's a long time ago. Twice a week is often to see GC - mind, I think my SGGC are at their grandparents more often than that and always welcome. But my DSS is very family oriented - for which I am eternally grateful, for without him I do not think I would have survived my first year of widowhood.

No, you most definitely are not being unreasonable. It’s difficult when you have parents who just won’t be told. I can fully understand your frustration as my mother-in-law was very much the same. Also, my mother always turned up unannounced on a Saturday morning and if we said we had plans for the day, she would sulk for days. If we upset mother-in-law, she would literally make herself sick! It was a nightmare and our life wasn’t our own. My husband had to have words with his mother about it, and she didn’t speak to us for 7 years after that! (At least we had some peace!) We told my mother that we had plans for some of the Saturdays, so that she only came about once a month. She wasn’t happy, but we were firm and she had no choice. After a while, she realised she couldn’t win, and the sulking stopped.
The good thing that came from this was that we were careful not to do the same thing to my daughters when they got married. We waited to be invited, even though we had, and have, a great relationship. This hasn’t changed since my husband died. I told them at that time that his death had changed my life but it was not going to change theirs and that they were not to worry about me. It works well and they often invite me to lunch or dinner, and I feel welcome and wanted. They can get on with their lives and not feel under any obligation to invite me if they don’t want to. My granddaughter, in particular, visits often and we enjoy our girly chats.
Maybe it helps that I enjoy my own company and don’t need ‘entertaining’, but whatever the reason, I know that I see them more by not intruding on them than I probably would if I kept pestering them.

Thinking tangentially, I wonder if you could nudge your parents into moving into one of those over 55’s communities nearby. My mum is in one and it’s fab, got her own front door and 2 bedroom flat but there are lifts, everything is accessible and there are communal lounges and kitchens etc, so you can be as sociable as you want to be. There is also someone on call 24/7, never have to stress about a plumber, electrician etc, always dealt with the same day.

It sounds like your mum is starving for social contact and this could really help and they would obviously be less dependent on you. And God forbid if anything should happen to one of your parents, the other wouldn’t be alone.

Just an idea

It’s a shame not many of us learn boundaries when we are younger
ive been just the same op
tou gotta put yourself first and start sticking up for yourself
say sorry it’s not a good time
or right you can come in but only for an hour and you have to go at nap time

it’s not easy to start tho, but it gets easier

This. Both grandparents don't have much time left and their daughter is annoyed they come to see her and DGC too often...
How very sad.

They see her twice a week!

Come on. Don't be so silly.

The OP has a family to look after. She can't run around trying to make sure everyone else is okay at the expense of herself. She needs to be on her best form for her kids. Oxygen mask applies here.

F.O.G is strong in this one!

The OP has a husband who’s on paternity leave. Who’s clearly getting annoyed with his in-laws. Perhaps because he’s not actually that much use at looking after his wife and children post-childbirth?

OP sees them twice a week and they deliberately turned up on a day when OP specifically told them not to come and waited on her drive for her to return. This feels oppressive and manipulative.

OP's baby is only a month old and she is just getting used to dealing with two children under the age of 2. She sees a lot of her parents but they are making the post-partum period more stressful than it needs to be.

You are just making stuff up now. Where is your evidence that OP's DH is useless when looking after his children? Maybe he is getting annoyed with his in-laws as they are making more work for him and OP, rather than providing any help and support.

OP I feel for you pulled between DC and parents.
I tend to take on responsibility for other's happiness. However, a counsellor said to me, adults are not responsible for anyone else, with the exception children.
You need to put your DCs needs first, then yours and then look at what's left in terms of time and energy.
If your parents are happy or not happy matters less than are your DC needs met and you need to be sane to focus on them.
Anyone posting on here wanting you to prioritise your parents is getting the priority order the wrong way around.

Just stop making random things up.

You need to schedule time and make sure your Dad (who is enabling your Mum) knows the schedule. If they arrive at any other time, don't answer the phone or the door and force them to comply that way.

YANBU. But I do feel sorry for your mum.

I think it’s time to sit down with your DH and discuss how to deal with your parents moving forward.
Because at the moment they can get to you, they can still visit via car and while they don’t do much when they turn up, you are not at the stage where you are being called upon to provide care.
However, there is a good chance they will need some at some point in the future and the worst time to discuss it is then. It is best to have a think of what you could provide or not. Because there are few boundaries here and sadly daughters are looked upon as resource centres. Where they have no needs of their own.
At some point, you morph into the parent and it’s a tough job because it’s like having two more toddlers in your hands.
Start by sitting down and gently discussing your concerns. It is better to get it out in the open. You love and care for both of them, you want them to have quality time with their GC, but the way they visit needs to change so that when they do come, it’s of more value to all of you.
There could be fireworks. But I remember seeing it as teenagers sulking. In the end, they will have to respect your wishes and your home.
How are they managing in their own home? How do they cope with housework and caring for themselves?

The OP says it’s causing problems in her marriage. So clearly the OP’s husband has a problem with this.

It’s not the role of elderly and disabled GPs to provide support. That’s his job. And that might involve supporting her and her family while her parents visit.

The only reason I can see that this would cause a problem is that the husband doesn’t step up.

Most responses on this post are ignoring that the husband is off at the same time.

I’m not. The OP has said this is causing problems in her marriage. So we need to ask why? Why would her husband have a problem with his wife’s elderly and disabled parents visiting? He’s there, he can make the tea and look after the toddler while his wife sits on the sofa with the newborn and shoots the breeze with her parents.

I can see it’s hard but they need support too. My elderly father would for thd day. I made him cups of tea, he would read stories to the kids, or read the newspaper/book until it was time to go home. It is hard on you, but she’s obviously lonely

The only reason you can see...which means the conclusion you immediately jump to based on you making stuff up.

You're determined to blame the DH instead of looking at the parents blatantly ignoring the OP telling them not to come over.

Her mum isn't on her own though. She has OP's dad. It isn't OP's responsibilty to provide company and entertainment for her mum when she is newly post-partum and getting used to looking after two children under the age of 2. They also didn't visit as often before the baby was born so it seems that this is more about seeing the baby than loneliness.

Come off it. It's very obvious from OP's posts that her parents are getting on her nerves. Why wouldn't her husband have a problem with his in-laws visiting more than twice a week when he took paternity leave to look after his family, not to support his in-laws. If he didn't want them to come round at all, he would be unreasonable, but OP and her DH both want to limit her parents' visits during this post-partum period and that is their choice to make.