Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

[Justacupoftea123]

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

You're going to have to bite the bullet and tell her that you're run ragged and they cannot help out when they visit, so become another pressure.

Be firm that they can visit once a fortnight on agreed days, and will only stay for a couple of hours. Perhaps Sunday lunch once a fortnight?

If she has a hissy fit let her - more peace for you - and she'll come around eventually.

You are setting boundaries????? I agree it may be a little harder for you but twice a month? You don’t sound like a very nice daughter to me

@Goldengirl123 appreciate you’re entitled to your opinion but if you had read the thread properly it clearly says twice a week!

Twice a month isn’t nice? Dont be ridiculous. That would be the absolute max. And twice a week is bonkers if it’s not what you actually want. I feel for them of course, but I feel for you and your DH more. Absolutely yes to boundaries you gently but firmly stick to. Oh, and I see the I’d-give-anything-to-have-parents brigade has turned up. Soooo far so Mumsnet, lol.

Can I chip in another perspective? I am a grandmother and would not do what your parents are doing, but I think I can understand why they do it.

I am not as old as your mum. I was widowed 5 years ago. I have recently had a deluge of health problems, including heart attack, pacemaker etc. and am in quite a bit of pain with other problems. I am watching my normally very very active life slipping away from me and it is a lot to come to terms with. Whenever I see my GC, the thought us running through my mind that I do not have much more time to enjoy them and see them grow.
I do not let that make me impose on my AC in any way but it is there in my heart. I am not finding this stage of life easy ... it is lonely and painful with many losses to come to terms with every day.
I do understand the OP's frustration, but hope that some insight into where her parents are coming from might help to ease that a bit.

What age is she if you don't mind me asking?

It's frustrating but if she's 'very old' like you say, maybe she just wants to make sure she gets some time with you all. Absolutely needs to respect your boundaries though.

Edit: Saw her age. Not very old but may still have these thoughts in her head.

With respect, this isn’t the thread for you. If you are furious, it’s your grief talking.

OP, absolutely you need to set firmer boundaries. Kindly but firmly. My mother is master manipulator so I wouldn’t stand for this but that’s my mum, if you have previously had a good relationship then kind and firm seems the best way.

Bless him. I wonder if he ever did yours!

Out of all our extended family, only my MIL is willing/able to change our ds's nappy. My mum could do my dd's when she was in nappies but my ds (age 1.5) is just enormous and it'd be too much for her back. My FIL and aunts-in-law have said they never want to change a nappy which is fair enough.

It does make childcare harder until age 3/4 but it's only a couple of years really.

If they just come and sit let them sit. Just work around them, it doesn't seem like they interfere. If your Dad wants to wash up in the sink, just ignore, he's trying! Don't let them take the child/children out without you, 'It's too much for you dad'. Do you have a garden the 2 year old can run around in that your mum and dad could just sit and watch? And admire what they do.

It’s a shame really, a hundred years ago they’d be loads of children and loads of grandchildren so bored grandparents could be shared around a bit or pick the grandkids who wanted to have story books read all day and just do that.

Would it be easier for you to go over and see them perhaps? That way you can leave when you need to. Or perhaps have a standing arrangement with them so that they can come over on a Thursday or other weekday morning or afternoon for a few hours, and in that time you crack on with what you need to do. It sounds from what you are saying that your Mum and Dad just enjoy being there and seeing you all.

Your Mum and Dad are probably just excited by your new arrival and haven’t thought about how tricky it is. If you are an only child (?) they may not have ever been in that position themselves. 2 under 2 is a busy time.

Good luck, though it sounds like you are doing fab!

so it’s wrong for the gps to use the OP as entertainment but fine for her to expect use them as childcare/home help? Because it seems that the OP, backed by others on this thread, think that GPs shouldn’t be in the house if they can’t make themselves useful.

All very transactional. All very MN.

At a few weeks post partum visitors shouldn’t be adding stress.

OP could you go and see them a bit more, then you could control the duration and they might not randomly turn up.

Wow I hope this post has been reported for deletion.

Oh do pipe down and read the thread properly.

Everyone has experienced loss, doesn't give them a right to dictate to others.

@Justacupoftea123 don't pay any mind to this post.

I don't think that's what's going on here at all. Op doesn't particularly want them to do housework for her. She just needs time to rest after having a baby, and that is not unreasonable

@LittleBearPad thanks, yes that’s my plan! Since my eldest turned 6 months we have done the 2/2.5 hour round trip to visit them every Friday for almost 2 years now.

I even kept visiting up until I was 35 weeks pregnant and began finding the journey time/ driving after looking after my toddler at theirs too difficult.

Ive told my mum that will be the plan in time to restart but shes a bit impatient with that right now lol and doesn’t understand I don’t feel ready yet (im bf-ing on demand)

If your husband gets that much paternity leave that colours it for me a bit. 6 months is a long time, it also means that he is there to mind baby while you have a cup of tea with your parents.

I agree their behaviour is not ideal and your baby is very young. But your mum is 79 & your dad has cancer. Is there a good chance you mum will be here at 85? I’d say not from what you’ve said. However you manage it, just don’t have any regrets.

I have given this advice loads of time both on here amd in my previous profession which is calm firm but loving honesty. Sit down with them and tell your Mum and Dad what you are able to cope with right now. Say in the future it might change as things change but right now they need to eg ask before arriving, fit in their visits to your schedule...whatever you need. Point out that sadly there are things that they can't manage (dealing with a lively toddler) and that "everyone" needs to accept that. If you can give them a regular schedule when they will be very welcome then that will sugar the pill. yes they will be hurt and may sulk and say hurtful things but hopefully (and in my experience usually) they get over it and its made up for because you will be delighted to see them when they do come and be able to actually spend some happy time with them. But no, not easy for you.

Oh, you're one of those 'I'd give anything to have one hour with my mum but she's dead' posters who crop up on every single thread where the OP is having problems with their mum. They even do this on threads where the OP's mum is abusive. It's tone deaf. Full disclosure, I lost my mum when my first child was 4 months old and I don't come out with this guilt tripping crap.

OP's mum is making more work for OP. She sees her daughter and grandchildren loads but is overstepping boundaries and making more work for her post-partum daughter.

Me too. I lost my mum when I had two kids under 4 and I still think it's important to have honest conversations so everyone feels respected.

A family only really works if you can be gently honest with each other, not manipulated by guilt.

Everyone is important and should be valued.

Read the thread properly. It’s twice a week.

In that case I do apologise

The first thing she mentions in her first two posts is them doing childcare. And that they sit around doing nothing - clearly not making themselves useful.

She also has a husband on paternity leave at the same time as her being on maternity.

This all sounds like it’s coming from the husband, to be honest. As he’s at home there’s no need for their appearance to cause the OP additional work or stress at all - he can help out.