Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

[Justacupoftea123]

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

You need to shut this down.

Your parents would have been manipulative and entitled even if they were 20 years younger than they are now. This is not an elderly thing.

My in-laws are elderly and they don’t pull this sort of behaviour. They rarely pop in for a visit and if they do they are genuinely in the area and they phone first and check it’s ok.

You need to set boundaries with your parents.

Set up a routine visit day each fortnight where your parents are expected to arrive, such as first and third Tuesday. Have simple mundane useful tasks like folding laundry, sweeping paths and swinging kid on swing, reading stories ready for them so that you can chatter on and do other household or child related tasks. Take a walk all together to the local park so that gradually you can help your toddler and father trusting each other to do the same.
Plan the meals in advance - kid's snacks in lunch box and toasties ready to toast or eggs etc.
They don't want anything special - just to see grandchildren developing, to help out and to especially see you.
You visit them another expected day of the month along with husband. Maybe one Sunday..
You can control the activity by taking snacks, offering to mow the lawn, suggesting a walk around the block, suggesting cousin also visits at same time occasionally etc etc.
It is unfair to ban your parents from a fortnightly visit or from bringing you the odd meal due to your spouse having long parental leave. You should be able to negotiate positive regular interactions that suit you both.

They need something else to do other than relying on you for their social contact. There will be local groups they can attend which will cost them nothing / very little. For example your Mum could attend the Women's Institute meetings. There'll be Aged UK groups on singing, socials etc. There's U3A for talks.

Yabu. They are massively disrupting your life expecting to arrive without notice and be waited on. Once every two weeks for an afternoon is quite enough. Set a day anßd thats it.

'and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch.'

'He has cancer and tries his best to help. But again, that looks like doing our dishes in the sink - despite us asking him to just use our dishwasher.'

These comments are awful as are the ones both her age and disability. They bring food/they expect lunch', which is it?

Yes fine have a conversation about visits and boundaries etc but you need to lighten up, stop being so controlling about washing up, naps etc and just try to enjoy their company.

When DC were tiny the visitors who used to wind me up the most were family who just sat there waiting to be fed and watered whilst I was trying to wrangle bf and a toddler. MIL was the most helpful - she came for a week and did the chores, tidied and cooked, or minded the baby if I cooked or showered. DM was useless until they were older and she could play card games with them! I think she had PPD with me (no support from her own DM) and me having a baby triggered something in her.
Give them chores to do if they turn up and point out if she had a mobility scooter they could join you on days out with the DC. If she's elderly she might be worried she won't have much time with your DC.

Completely agree with this. Boundaries, train them not to do it. And youll feel awful about it and want to cave in because you feel awful but that will pass. Their needs don’t outweigh yours , you are being really generous with your time, just because your mum feels that’s not enough doesn’t mean it’s not. It’s a feeling not a fact.

she might not enjoy their company, I don’t with mine. It’s not a given.

The fact that you feel guilty at her passive aggressive hinting and your inability to maintain boundaries with her (you mentioned setting the boundary but she was allowed to breach it) it appears she has been manipulative for longer than her mobility issues.
I'm not saying this to be mean to you but for you to understand the dynamic and not feel guilty. If it wasn't for her physical mobility problems she would be manipulating you anyway.

You are allowed to enforce your boundaries.
In fact you need to enforce them, it's not enough to establish a boundary, you need to be prepared to take action to enforce it as well.

Posts like that are disgusting because they are utilitarian, soulless and evil. I won't question people anymore when they say 'pointless to have children, absolutely pointless'.

Tolerate their company then, whatever. It's good for kids to see their dgps.

Again, I agree rein it in and give specific availability.

Tell them no unannounced visits as lots of other things going on but I do think the op is being a bit scathing about ill grandad washing up instead of using the dishwasher, daring to have fun with the toddler etc etc etc.

One of my parents has mobility issues and there is not a chance they'd use a mobility scooter. You work round it, lunches out etc instead of walking miles on 'family days out'.

The op needs to develop some disability awareness.

I'd take a step back and think about how often you want them to visit. I personally think once a month is plenty. They can face time inbetween.

Apart from breastfeeding you probably don't want your newborn in a car seat for an hour at a time yet?

I think you just have to be firm but honest with them. When they visit (definitely no more than weekly) they need to leave at naptime - suggest your whole family head to bed then.

It’s quite understandable for your mum to feel depressed, isolated and/or in need of TLC as a result of her health and lack of mobility.

But that doesn’t excuse lack of consideration to you. Overstaying their welcome, bringing their own food for lunch without asking if you mind, turning up without checking if it’s OK, then contemplating letting themselves in when they find you’re out [?!] or waiting for you to return are all inconsiderate actions.

Lots of people have very serious mobility problems and severe pain, but they still manage to get out and about: in wheelchairs, mobility scooters, walking frames etc. I believe some places have wheelchairs you can use when there, if you ask in advance. It would surely be lovely for your mum to accompany you on a walk through a country park, on sit on a bench, watching her grandchildren enjoy the fresh air and nature.

https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/who-we-are/about-us/access-for-everyone

Awww I actually feel sorry for these grandparents because they’re clearly just wanting to help but haven’t worked out the boundaries properly.

I’m sure you’ll work it out with them because they do sound like they really want to help you rather than interfere. They also probably wouldn’t mind if you did housework around them or went for a nap if you were exhausted, I know my mum wouldn’t care if I did.

❤️

they don't bring meals now and its twice a week. They aren't now able to help and want the toddler to sit still RTFT

except they can't cope with the toddler.

I’m confused by your comment? What difference does it make whether they can cope with a toddler in relation to my comment. Did you quote the wrong person?

maybe he doesn't wash up very well?

Wait I’ve worked it out, you think I meant have a nap whilst leaving them with toddler. I meant have a nap while the toddler does.

And that they sit around doing nothing - clearly not making themselves useful.

Are older people only to be valued if they are capable of making themselves useful?

I am lucky that my AC and their families value my presence as a loved person even during these difficult times when health means that I cannot provide the help I used to. I love them for that.

I think this is a little naive.

They turned up when the OP asked them not to. When she specifically asked them not to. How is that helping?

I'm not saying they're horrible but they don't seem to respect the OP at all and that does need to change.

This is hard OP and I'm really very sorry.

What I'm going to say is going to sound really harsh but I mean it in the best way possible, hoping to empower you a little bit.

People can only cross your boundaries if you let them.

I mean that both physically and emotionally.

If you say tomorrow isn't a good day mum and she turns up anyway don't be rushing to answer the door or return from a day out. "I told you we were busy today so I will see you on tuesday"

Don't let her have keys to your property.

Don't be manipulated by her saying oh well ive not eaten yet. "There's a cafe up the road on your drive back home. We're out/napping/not hosting today as I told you yesterday"

Don't feel guilty if she says things like he's grown so much and I've missed out on it. She had her baby. Just ignore these comments. Don't respond to them. They're said specifically to get an emotional response from you and the best thing you can do is not feed the beast. Just reiterate "I'll see you on Tuesday like we agreed mum"

Don't negotiate, once you've got to that stage you've already lost. You're saying your boundaries are flexible and if she keeps pushing you will give in.

I feel for your dad in all of this too but he's got to be responsible for asserting his own boundaries. That's not your job. If he goes along with your mums plans to placate her then that's him using his free will and his actions aren't your responsibility.

the OP can't go off for a nap and leave the GP's to look after the kids if they can't cope with the toddler.