Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

[Justacupoftea123]

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

This. And this again.

Well of course it is causing problems in their marriage.

Her parents keep turning up. She needs to rest and recover. He doesn't want to entertain his in laws, he wants to make sure his children and their mother are being looked after not waiting hand and foot on 2 grown ups who can't respect boundaries.

This is his time too to get used to life as a family of 4.

Absolutely no where has the OP said he is useless.

YANBU, but I feel for your parents too. Hopefully in the next few weeks or so, you can find a way to sensitively put down some boundaries and reduce contact closer to what you’re comfortable with. But I am appalled by the suggestion that you shouldn’t (or even actually didn’t) let them in the house. These are your actual parents. Yes, they are going about things the wrong way, but come on, turning them away from your door is so rude. They will have been very upset by that.

No emotional blackmail - I was just trying to inject a bit of balance. This is clearly not something that any parent should actually say to their AC, but I was suggesting that it might be worth having that in one's mind when trying to resolve this situaiton.

OP if you were writing this about your in-laws you would be told you have a DH problem.

So very true.

Of course you cannot just do what you want when you are old, any more than you can at any other time of life. But it is always best to try and put oneself in another's shoes when making judgements, especially about a situation in which you will inevitably find yourself one day.

The balance is clearly not right for the OP and her family at the moment, but moving forward with an understanding of where the other "side" is coming from is a better way to proceed.

Are you close to your parents in general? It sounds like you are from your posts. I think perhaps you are feeling this way because you are so tired and tapped from being responsible for two children that you just don’t have the bandwidth to keep an eye on your parents in tandem with your childcare responsibilities. Add in the newborn exhaustion and I definitely see why this is draining you.

I think the only thing you can do is try to manage expectations. Could your mum or dad hold the newborn whilst you have a nap and DH takes care of your older child? Really your DH and parents should be thinking about how they can rally round you during this time rather than expecting you to manage the whole situation.

Old, ill and scared doesn't mean that every old person is going to be manipulative and demanding.

And is the mother there because she loves her daughter so much? Or because she's decided that the OP and her family are there to entertain her and give her somewhere to go?

I think some of this is just do it. Plan your days out and go. If they arrive before you have left tell them sorry but you are going out Pre-empt their turning up by telling them, when they visit, when they can come again and sticking to it. Phrase it as "Remember we'll see you xxx"

I am fairly sure the Mum can't because of her arthritis, also not sure if they could be trusted.

Is all ok with memory and dementia etc?

Sounds as though she's forgetting that's shes seen him and politeness/boundaries?

My parents lived fairly close & popped over once a week for a couple of hours. They called most nights which could become tiresome but I appreciated them so much I accepted it. They were also a phone call away for help at any given moment. A totally different situation from the OP but it's also the reason I'm pleased I am a young Grandparent compared to many & can help when required. I see my young grandchildren once a week or less depending on both sides plans.

@Justacupoftea123 May I ask how old your parents are, OP?

How old are you parents/in-laws? Because weirdly, there are shifts and changes when people get older, I feel it starts slightly after 75, and then after 80 they do need a lot more help and get more anxious.

Most people don't turn up unannounced, unless that happened before, but yes people do get more needy at certain stages in life.

I always try to look at it that we count weeks and then months when looking at our babies/children's development but that development doesn't stop and so you have certain things that tend to happen in e.g. the 20s, 40s and even in the 70s and 80s. My mum who was the most independent etc and helpful would now come over - although more instigated by me - and not actually help much as she's in pain and just tired.

When she was 70 she was still helping with my kids, taking them to and from school on certain days. She is now much more needy in a sense, and a bit more critical (which was NEVER her style) and it's like her life has shrunk and so things now seem to be more about her and her issues (again, never what she was like before, she was very selfless and interested in others).

But that's life and people do change throughout the ages. She's my mum who was wonderful when I grew up, with my young kids and now she needs me.

@itcouldhavebeenme 74 and 78.

im the youngest of 4 children. There are 3 other older grandchildren but my sis has cut my mum off because of similar reasons and when she tried to have a calm conversation about it, my mum apparently said some nasty things. She still keeps contact with my dad though.

@itcouldhavebeenme also for context, although we’ve had some great years as an adult, we had a very strained relationship when I was a teen - she would open my mail, read my diary and texts, critique my appearance… basically gave me little/ no privacy.

wanted me to be closer with my sis who is a lot older than me, but would then get upset if we did anything just the two of us or spoke outwith our shared WhatsApp group.

This.

And doing so would avoid the possibility of them dropping by when you're out or otherwise unavailable to entertain.

It is difficult with a baby and a toddler and nap time is important …… I was lucky as my parents always checked that we were home before coming over and I now do the same for my adult children. Everyone has such busy lives but by working together and having plans in place visits can be workable. Just be kind when you explain this to your parents….they aren’t here forever.

I'm sorry to hear that. In that case maybe she is still the same and you clearly have had a strained relationship.

If so, just put firm boundaries in. Perhaps tell them next time that they need to call a few days before you come as you have GP/health visitor etc appointments and you are out and about too.

Then make things up if they call and want to visit in the next few days.

I agree and neither would I (one teen & one adult DC).
I chose to have DCs and their lives are not for my entertainment, I know I have to deal with many irritations as a parent.
I don't do it so I can later be a pain for them.
If we all get on well when they're adults no longer at home, I'm sure I'll see them in the same I now see my mum - planned or through a phone call and when we're free.
OP please do not feel suffocated, pressured, blackmailed or guilty at existing and not being constantly at your parents bidding.

She has control issues. With this updat, as well as not feeling guilty, I'd pull right back. Get the boundaries in place before she tries to control your DCs.

Reading this made me feel really sad, especially thinking about your parents. I can’t personally imagine speaking or feeling that way about mine, but I also recognise that everyone’s experience is different. I hope you find peace with whatever you’re going through, and that someday you won’t carry regret or pain from this.

I am not surprised to hear this.

It sounds like your mother has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and a proven refusal or inability to respect your boundaries, accept your right to privacy, and is easily prone to jealousy/possessive of your time.

She didn't learn from one of her daughters ending contact with her over this type of behaviour. Very firm boundaries are needed if this is her general and long-term mentality. You aren't living under her roof any more, and as in any adult relationship, mutual respect is needed, which it sounds like she is coming up short on.

I would guess their perspective on this is very much like @Mischance put it and I am totally sympathetic to this.

However, I would have lost it (inside anyway) to have come home and find someone waiting on the driveway for me, when this hadn't been agreed.

Twice a week for several hours, when they are in no position to help, is really wearing.

I'm sure your mum does want to help, may think she can help, and maybe even was able to help with your older child, but in reality you are looking after them now it sounds like and mostly simply facilitating their access. You can't really be mad at your dad for the incident in the park - he's unwell and really can't take your kids out, that is what this incident showed.

The caring expectations on you are really stretched.

I think when they come over, after a time that for you feels reasonable for them to be socialising and your DCs have gone to bed, I'd just start doing other things. Laundry, admin etc.

"Feel free to help yourselves to tea, etc, I've got to get on."

And then DO IT.

way to generalise!! please don't!!

@Justacupoftea123 Have just seen your updates. Your mum is lining you up for a caring role for her/them. I had held back from saying this before but based on what you've just said I think this is the dynamic here.