Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

[Justacupoftea123]

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

No matter how badly I age, I really hope i don’t start turning up uninvited, stressing out relatives, putting marriages under strain and trampling over reasonable boundaries

Remember older generations just turned up and knocked on, was like that when I was a child I'd call on my grandparents and they'd call on us unannounced, if fact they'd just tap on the door then it would open thought nothing of it. People are much much reclusive and anti social now. But they are old school.

Bless you it's really hard I wouldnt turn up uninvited to see my grankids and daughter although I only live around the corner from them.they visit me everyday but there are days I just want to be left alone and do my own thing it must be so draining for you

I will love my parents to visit me whenever as long as I'm at home. They are clearly lonely. This wouldn't bother me at all. They can be there everyday.

I remember this in the 60's. My parents hated it.

Your house, your children, your rules. If they don’t follow them they don’t get to visit. Very simple.

I think maybe let your mum know how you feel. She then has two options, one to try and agree a happy medium that works for all or not bother to visit at all. It’s so sad that your relationship ship with each other is where it is. You can’t go on like this you’re so unhappy. In a loving and diplomatic way inform her it’s not working in its present form and it needs to change for the greater good of all the family and you welcome her understanding
I wish you well

That's great, let OP have your address as you're happy to have people in whenever. A word of warning, her sister has already stopped seeing them due to their control issues and they will come around multiple times in the week with no warning and expect to be hosted.

I feel suffocated just reading this!
I totally empathise with you and as many others here have said you will need to set some very clear boundaries and rules.
No doubt your Mum and Dad will try very hard to guilt-trip you-you will need to be firm. You know this, for your sake and for the sake of your DC & DH.
You are doing a great job, raising two very young children is hard. And you are not there to be 'house entertainment' for your parents, no matter how much you love them. Nor are your children.
If you are not clear about this now, their dependency and encroachment will only get worse.
I hope you can have an honest, calm and productive conversation with them. Good luck!

Visiting my grandparents in Wales in the 50s, that’s exactly what happened. People just turned up, never turned their noses up at tea and cake and it was the norm. I remember my Nana making sure she always had homebaked cakes and biscuits in the house. To have nothing to offer them when people popped in (in spite of the fact they hadn’t been invited!) was an absolute disgrace and if that happened, it spread around the village like wildfire! Those were the days!

Yes that is very true.

You just need to set boundaries ASAP, maybe even set up twice a month visits but that's it.

OP, I think you’re giving your parents and specifically more grace than appropriate.

youre beding over backwards to accommodate her feelings and accept her CPU fray transgressions while you’re buening out and your marriage plus family life is under more stress.

why do you do this? Why do you prioritise her feelings over your own and your families needs? You need to stop with the enmeshment you have towards your parents and read up on emotionally immature parents. By letting your mum dictate your daily life be abuse of her feelings you’re setting a bad precedent for your kids and you make yourself unnecessarily unhappy.

Ooo this hit a nerve for me. So my daughter has 2 children age 7 & 9. I've helped look after them a lot from being born. Both parents work full time so I do the childcare. I look after them after school 3 x a week. But leave not long after parents come home. I have them school holidays and some weekend care when parents shifts dictate.

No I feel bad for constantly seeing them. I wonder if I'm too much now. ... hmmm however I don't stay for food. I don't stay for hours. The children come to my house. And if I were there when they had naps I would suggest parents went for nap or out for some rest themselves and I stayed to look after children if or when they woke up so parents can sleep. Am I too much I'm wondering.

Imisschampagne we could all stand as judges And we couldn’t possibly know how the parents would react. It’s harder to make relationships work than to destroy them tear them down! Where’s the mercy? Strong people show mercy as only they can. It’s takes a confident and wise person to see the other person’s perspective on things and only the mum in question truly knows the answer she’s just looking for reassurance and confirmation to a painful situation. Otherwise she would have told her parents to clear off and not bother to seek the advise of complete strangers

Your situation sounds completely different from that described by OP. You are obviously a great help to your daughter and do regular childcare for her. You sound very considerate unlike OP's mum. OP's mum can't help with childcare and sits around all day, either taking over the kitchen at lunchtime or expecting OP to make them lunch, while staying for hours on end.

I’d be setting a boundary about going out even if it’s the local park, and if your mum refuses to use an aid like a mobility scooter then I’d explain that’s her choice but doesn’t mean you all and I’d include your dad in this, have to miss out because of her stubbornness. I say that as a disabled person that uses aids to give me more freedom. My guess is after missing one or 2 trips she’ll change her mind. In. Between that you need to have set days when they visit, and no more than that or you will have to turn down other visits.