Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

[Justacupoftea123]

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

well THAT explains a lot!!

Yeah this is ridiculous. She's your mum. You should be able to have an adult open conversation with her about expectations, and ask that she doesn't attend uninvited. That's like basic manners.

My mum is dead now and if she'd been around when we had our child, I'd have felt exactly the same as you.

@Justacupoftea123 I think you need to come up with dates/ days at the start of every month that they can visit, so for example every Wednesday afternoon 2pm to 4pm in June. Be clear that they can only visit on these pre planned visits at the times scheduled. Write it on a calendar & put it up in their kitchen or somewhere so there’s no excuse to try & visit between scheduled visits. Inform them firmly that now you have 2 young children you will be keeping to a strict routine & that unscheduled visits will not be permitted going forward. Also once they get to 5 minutes or so before the end of the visit, then remind them that the visit is ending soon. You can be firm & kind-I love you very much, but this is the plan going forward. Then stick to it. If they turn up unannounced go out tell them politely that this isn’t the agreed day & visiting will not be going ahead, but I look forward to seeing you Wednesday afternoon at 2pm etc…..
It is often difficult with our parents as they get older, & for them to accept that we are now adults. It’s more of reminding them that you are no longer that vulnerable & easy to manipulate teenager, but you are now an adult & the only way going forward is your way. I believe in brutal honesty with kindness!! I no longer beat around the bush with anything or anyone actually, totally unrecognisable from the timid teenager that I used to be. But I do believe you can be kind at the same time, even if your mother wasn’t/ isn’t kind to you. Just stick to your ground so to speak! Be black & white, no grey! I’d say in a light hearted way things like Mum I’m not that young teen who just let you read my diary & open my mail anymore, not putting up with that sort of behaviour any more, so unless you want to me to cut you off like older sister then I’m afraid you’re going to have to follow my rules from now on!! Then I smile & say would you like another cup of tea?!! But like I said I’ve learnt over the years that brutal honesty is the only way forward!😂 Keep breaking the rules Mum & they’ll be no visits going forward- is that what you want? No need to get upset Mum, I’m just being truthful, etc…etc…

Well we don’t know do we, because you’re just speculating on a random scenario that you’ve created…odd

@Justacupoftea123

we would like to be able to plan out our days without fear of my parents turning up

You just plan a day out, surely? if they turn up unannounced and you're not there, not your problem.

And if they turn up and you're in and it's not convenient, say so and don't let them in .

This changes my thoughts on it significantly. It feels less about them struggling to follow the boundaries and more about them refusing to accept them and wilfully ignoring

It sounds like a difficult situation. I feel sorry for your mum, but equally I can see how this would be too much for you and why you would feel overwhelmed.

Based on your update, you might need to be significantly firmer than a polite conversation. Then the guilt will kick in, which you'll need to resist.

The pp who mentioned bandwidth was spot on. We can't put others first - especially when they're not our responsibility - endlessly without hitting a wall eventually.

OP's latest posts confirm that her mum has always been controlling. She says:

'also for context, although we’ve had some great years as an adult, we had a very strained relationship when I was a teen - she would open my mail, read my diary and texts, critique my appearance… basically gave me little/ no privacy.'

Her sister has cut her mum off so her mum's general overbearing behaviour hasn't just affected OP.

Could the frequent inconvenient visits be replaced by a visit once a month and topped up with conveniently timed video calls?

You need to have a chat.say no unsolicited visits, you want some family time. Say they stay too long so it's difficult to get a routine you need to be tough.

With my parents, I think they will just have to reap what they sow.

They were borderline emotionally neglectful when I was growing up. They have never ever supported me emotionally or cared about anything to do with me. They are now self-obsessed joyless needy older people.

I was scared of my mum‘s moods growing up. I’m no longer scared of them.

Culturally, I have to do my duty. It would be the end of the world if I didn’t. I visit them and do what needs doing. But it comes out of a sense of duty and not love or affection. I don’t enjoy their company and I’m sure it shows. I do the minimum required. And will continue to do so till they die.

My relationship with my young adult children could not be more opposite. We are close and have lots of fun together and I am their first source of support when needed. Of course things will change as they grow up and settle down. However, I have always told them to lead their own lives. They are horrified at the idea That they will not help me when I’m older. We shall see.

I am going to do my best not to be a burden if I can. Who knows what the future holds in terms of health. But I would rather pay for help than make them do it. I do not want to be visited out of duty. No way. And they are not there to entertain me when I am bored.

Yes, we only get one set of mum and dad. But people need to remember that some are much better than others.

What do you mean 'generalise' - I have worked with elderly in the past and I have friends with parents who are getting older and most of us are commenting that there is a slight change in demeanour, not surprising. Why would we not change as we get older. We change continually from when we are first born, through our teens, young adulthood and then meno/peri (for women) and beyond.

As I say, my Mum was (and is) the most wonderful mum. Loving, supportive always, never put any pressure on me, let me enjoy independence when I wanted it and always happy when I was happy. But, when she got to around 80, her health deteriorated and she was frustrated she couldn't do everything herself anymore. I've been very happy to support her where I can, she did so much for me when my kids were younger.

Saying that, now she's 85, she is still a wonderful grandmother but not involved in the same way as she is in pain and my teen kids have different lives. So her live invariably is a bit more limited and when I say 'needy' it's not meant negatively but she is needing me more. And when she is in pain (arthritis) and not sleeping as well - very common in the elderly - she gets more irritable, but still never hurtful of course. I was just trying to say that we do change slightly as we age, and it's up and downs along the way.

Saying that, if you had parents who were never loving or supportive, of course you need to set your boundaries. But also bear in mind that many women in their mid 50s are going through their menopause whilst looking after their parents. So I do hope the younger generation bears that in mind and doesn't just 'cancel' if their once calm, loving parent seems more irritable suddenly!

People saying the OP's mum won't be around for long - if she's late 70s then despite her mobility problems she could be around for another 15 years i.e. until the toddler has grown up!

She could certainly be around for all of OP's kids' preschool years.

And I am old and have got older and younger siblings. We all lead our own independent lives snd don’t lean on anybody.

I'm very pleased for you and your siblings - that's great. Curious to know all of your ages?

Of course the average healthy life expectancy in the the UK is around 61 years of age so, sadly, not everyone is so fortunate.

My mum lives independently and does all her online shopping and cooking etc and is clear at 85. She does need my help mostly due to her mobility being impacted. But she has definitely changed, and she would say so herself.

But then so have I over the years - I'm in my late 50s. As I said, development is really a long and ever-ongoing continuum!

but you weren't JUST talking about health. You were talking about people becoming needy and anxious as they get older. If you have worked with older people (I have too, in the NHS, it was my speciality) the people who you met are more likely to to need assisitance for a variety of reasons. The rest of us (who are in the majority) just chug on with our lives. That is why I asked (and I ask you again) not to generalise.

Because many of the over 75s/80s we know - and as I said I worked with elderly in the community before - have some sort of help from their nearest and dearest (if they had and still have a close relationship). Nothing bad about that.

But I guess my main point was that they way we are and come across generally changes through the ages. I.e. we're not static, but we often fail to recognise that we ALL continue evolve and develop. It doesn't suddenly stop when people turn 18. And elderly may have early signs of dementia when their personality changes.

Great that you are independent and need no help whatsoever.

and that's my point! the vast majority of us are not known to people like you (and me when I was working) and DO NOT become needy or anxious.

OP said her mother has rheumatoid arthritis that is a condition that often shortens life it isn't just a condition that affects mobility. On average it shortens life by between 3 and 10 years.

We all change. Not all becoming anxious, no, but also most elderly people are not perhaps always aware that they've changed. In fact most of us are not always that self aware and notice the changes in our own behaviours either.

With most things, and about most ages and things that kids go through we generalise, no? But of course there will always be variation and outliers.

If you were born in 1956 you're only 67. Sounds as if you're fit and healthy and hope it continues that way. My Mum did need no help from me until she was around 78/80. Even then she'd be able to cope on her own but I wanted to help but did note that she needed slightly longer transition times and time to get ready. Things slowed down for her. Not rocket science!

The issue for many is that people have DC later in life and live longer.
In this case the grandparents are already older and are trying to get the attention of their daughter (having already pressured one DD to the extent that she's cut contact), but the adult children have to prioritise their own children (and sanity).
The grandparents will need to use paid support when the time comes.

You may generalise.....years of working with adult people of all ages has taught me not to. And as for guessing my age from my username.....wrong! I am more internet security aware than that.

I voted not unreasonable, however, i do think that maybe due to your parents having you at an older age, its making them want to spend as much time as possible with their grandchildren while they can. I do think they need to be respecting your boundries better though.

I hope you all remember this if you have the misfortune to age with restrictive health conditions and are desperate to see your grandchildren. Have some empathy and come to some sort of routine to include them on specific days during the month.