Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

[Justacupoftea123]

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

I do see how difficult this is for you. It is hard to strike the right balance.

But ...... your parents probably found you rather irritating during the lifetime of bringing you up! - they fed you, clothed you, cared for you, saw you through all the phases of your childhood, including the terrible teens - them not doing the washing up as you might wish is a breeze compared with all that!

And one day you will be them! - it creeps up unbidden whether we like it or not! - and I am sure you would wish your children to be understanding and tolerant of how life is for you at each phase as it comes around.

Grandparents are not just there to be useful - to provide child care for instance - and they will not always do things exactly your way. They are not doing unacceptable things with your children, or being abusive in any way - so that is good! The irritations are minor.

But that is a rather transactional approach and maybe they could also simply be valued for who they are - with all their imperfections - as I am sure you would wish your own children to value and love you when that time comes.

Things are clearly a bit out of synch at the moment and the visits do not time well for you and your small family. Could you just sit down and discuss this with them in a kindly way? - recognising how much they wish to see their GC, but talking about how this can be planned so that it fits in with everyone. And being clear about what does not suit, as well as what does. So not a grumble discussion telling them how irritating it all is, but a positive discussion talking about what would be best for you.

I hope you can find a satisfactory way forward for everyone.

Lovely post .

My mother is widowed. I had my second child during Covid when my mum “bubbled” with us (Ireland). She coped very badly with the loneliness she ranted extensively about people breaking restrictions, and about one of her friends who was driving her mad.

It was hard and I lost my temper once or twice, but she has no one else, she’s my mother at the end of the day & I love her.

She isn’t physically that able and she certainly never did housework but she did read to the toddler and take him for the odd walk.

I think YANBU about unannounced visits and wanting to be fed etc but you lose me saying you want this once in a lifetime event (6 months paternity) to be special for your family.
As you note, getting 6 months paternity is not standard, you’re getting much more than the average person so why wouldn’t you share some of that time with your elderly parents and see that as a positive.

Yes being a mother of small children is hard, but being old and sick is hard and both deserve support.

Also having a baby & toddler is a joyful time, it’s hard but it’s getting easier and all the work is watch children bloom. By contrast having high needs as an older person while no doubt being aware of your mortality isn’t so joyful.

Really suspect you’re right . Particularly as OP post title of ‘Mum ‘ being the problem rather than ‘ Dad ‘ strongly suggests DH influence .

@LadyMargaretPoledancer @thepariscrimefiles thanks both, you are spot on about my DH.

@Ddakji my DH is very supportive of me. He has been doing endless washing, caring for our 2 year old and cooking and cleaning the house, running errands the list goes on.

He knows I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. By causing marriage issues, I solely meant because like any inconvenience in life, we would like to be able to plan out our days without fear of my parents turning up. Also he wants to be able to feel comfortable in his own home, with the routine he has establish for our toddler some days rather than constantly having to host.

I know that if it was my in laws acting the same way, then I would feel the same way my husband does. No one wants to be living on the edge or get a sinking feeling whenever the doorbell rings or we come home from outings that it could be GPs.

The reality is if my parents weren’t like this, I would probably invite them over just as much or more of my own free will.

For goodness sake. The mawkish sentimentality on here sometimes. So when you are old you can just do what you want then and others can’t say a thing in case you drop dead in the next x years?

No one wants to be living on the edge or get a sinking feeling whenever the doorbell rings or we come home from outings that it could be GPs.

YANBU, all this would drive me mad. You've had some very good advice - a kind conversation, a visiting schedule, and you going to them instead. Good luck :)

I ended up cutting my mum off for many reasons, but one thing she tried to make me do was schedule a weekly visit for her to come to my house and see my kids. I said it should be when I decide like once or twice a month if I wanted (we had a very strained relationship anyway). No advice here but you're not alone and the suffocating feeling is very very real.

OP if you were writing this about your in-laws you would be told you have a DH problem.

And nobody would be suggesting that you should do all the childcare while DH had a nice time spending time with his parents, as they are saying he should for you.

I can completely understand that this is too much for him, it's too much for you. If it's at the point where it's causing problems in your marriage already and the baby is only a month old you're going to have to do some hard thinking about your priorities.

Edit, cross post with your last one OP.

Same. It’s a chore borne out of duty for me.

The joys of older parents when you are younger and have your own young kids to look after.

OP from bitter experience I'd urge you to protect your marriage from this stress. Also protect your own sanity! You're right in the thick of it at the moment.

I do get really shocked by the whole tone of posters who don’t seem to realise they’ll be old , ill & scared themselves before they know it . Twenty five years will have gone in a flash and they’ll be in the ‘unwanted irritation’ role themselves .
PP’s labelling this poor older couple as ‘ manipulative’ when the evidence given has been they’re getting things wrong but love their daughter & don’t realise they’ve ’ outlived their usefulness’ . The Dad seems to have tried so hard to help , changing nappies & taking his grandchild out . The Mum making delicious food … Put boundaries in place with love and please realise in a very few years you won’t need them because they won’t be here .

But ...... your parents probably found you rather irritating during the lifetime of bringing you up! - they fed you, clothed you, cared for you, saw you through all the phases of your childhood, including the terrible teens

Tough. Well of course parents should do that for their kids. It is the bare minimum. Children are young and vulnerable and unable to live independently. They didn’t ask to be born. There is no comparison to the situation with these grandparents.

I would never use this kind of emotional blackmail with my adult children.

The Grandparents might go on till their 90s or later. Let’s not imagine that all people in their late 70s are on death’s door.

Exactly. It is such over sentimental manipulative nonsense.

My opinion is skewed because I’m 30 weeks pregnant and I lost my Mum suddenly 6 weeks ago (she was only 57).
We had plans for her to be spending lots of time with us so I’d give anything to get home and find her on my driveway.
Having said that, it would be stressful to play host with a newborn and a toddler.
Your parents seem to love you very much, it seems they probably are aware they’re not as helpful as they’d like to be and they’re desperate to not be left behind.

Could you do a scheduled visit once or twice a week and prepare yourselves that those two days will be hectic so you feel less surprised by it all? x

Your mum may be losing her marbles just a bit, possibly made worse by being inactive and in pain. The days may go by much slower for her than for you and twice a week visits seem like an age apart.
I would tell both your parents together that you want to see them and have them involved with the GC, but their visiting has to fit in with the children's routine, so you need to agree arrangements in advance and then stick to them. So please never turn up unannounced and if you have explained that you need to get on with things yourself from naptime onwards, please plan to leave at naptime and not later.
Their needs/wants may seem very powerful because they are your parents, but actually you have more of the power, not them.

That makes sense xx

OP, I was in a similar situation (minus the health issues) and it is not sustainable. In my case, it escalated and escalated until it permanently damaged my relationship with my parents. It also cost me countless special moments with DC, added to my decision not to have another DC, and caused huge problems in an already strained marriage. The stress of managing this built up until I reached a breaking point and MY health suffered. Trust me, they didn't care. All they cared was about life being on their terms and having their endless needs and demands met.

Having a relationship with your parents should not require you to betray your own needs and wishes, or those of your DH. You have your own family and home now and while that can include them, they can't do as they please when you were a teen living under their roof. It seems that you have already tried to establish some boundaries which are either completely ignored by them showing up anyway and even considering letting themselves into your home without permission, or being guilt-tripped, which is emotional manipulation.

Your mother is clearly lonely, and your father is enabling her and probably lonely too, but that doesn't mean that they can show up whenever they want and stay for however they want, because that is not how you have a good relationship with your adult daughter. It sounds like she does have friends and some social life and that is encouraging. Hopefully she can build on that more.

Your mother is also choosing not to help herself by refusing to get a mobility scooter, yet she expects you and your toddler to sit inside for hours with her.

Your children are going to grow and evolve and be even more busy. Trust me, if boundaries aren't established (and respected) this will lead to even more issues. My mother used to show up on every single one of DD's school days off, and then get very offended if I said she had a play date, which then led to stress for me, and just a huge big negative mess. It shouldn't be this way.

You mentioned that your parents get upset (paraphrasing) if you have other people over, yet they are over more than anyone else. Been there. I finally realized that I could see my parents, on their terms, 6 days a week, and all I would hear that I didn't see them on the 7th. All this to say that it is sad that your parents are not more grateful for the time that you are giving them, which comes at a cost to you and your family, and is more than you are able to give to others, including DH's parents.

For those saying these are your parents, etc, as you stated above, you would want to seem them more if they didn't behave like this. It is sad that they are creating a situation where instead of enjoying their visits, they are causing you stress instead.

OP has clarified . I have this completely wrong . My apologies.

The father had cancer and the mother has rheumatoid arthritis an auto immune illness that is not only painful it also shortens life.Tjey are unlikely to live into their 90s.

Oh yikes this would drive me bonkers.

Well done on not inviting them in when they turned up and were sat on your doorstep!

Chat with your DH, what is the absolute most you'd like them round?
Tell your parents the plan and timings and stick to it. If it's time for them to leave tell them politely it's time for naps so you'll see them out, and walk them to the door.

My nanna was this kind of family member. I loved her to bits but yes I did sometimes have to hold firm boundaries eg not inviting her in, or saying something didn't work for me. And yes she has now passed and no I don't regret having healthy boundaries that didn't leave myself and my children worse off. We still had a lovely relationship and saw her, spent time with her, but didn't let her rule our lives.

Not Necessarily. In any case, living your life as if you’re about to drop dead is not particularly healthy. Especially when it comes with a dose of emotional manipulation.

My dad does this to me all the time and makes me really grudge him coming up now. He thinks cos he doesn’t work everyone should have the same time. He will come. Look at the garden, be like ur grass needs cut. When u painting ur shed, no got washing out? He digs at my husband who does two jobs cos grass isn’t cut, I’m like what will he cut it in the pitch black?? I put a sign on door to say to postmen don’t knock im on nightshift, he comes up bangs the door, then txts me to say cars were there but no answer at door, I say there a note in on nights,
he’s like I didn’t see a note (a4 can’t miss it).
it’s absolutely infuriating. It’s really making me think of him as so selfish, cos he has time on his hands. Then when he Comes up he stays forever. If I said anything to him he would roper take the huff. He has turned into such a greedy money pinching man,
he goes to food banks for pensioners, and I’m just not liking him. I hate being like this with him but he is really just driving me crazy. It’s too much. I now have my doors locked and I will admit I have hidden from him when I see his car pull up. Hate doing it but he just doesn’t get it.