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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

353 replies

Sroia · 05/05/2025 21:46

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 05/05/2025 21:48

Wouldn't bother me

Ooral · 05/05/2025 21:48

None of your business really, if it bothers you that much, bin him or ask about it.

purplepenguindancing · 05/05/2025 21:50

I’m assuming this was before you became exclusive, in which case it wouldn’t bother me.

I had a boyfriend who was 33 when I was 22 which I suppose is similar, I’ve never thought that was particularly weird.

Lavender14 · 05/05/2025 21:50

I can't say this would bother me. 20 is old enough to have a fling with a slightly older guy if she wanted to and it was a fling, not an abusive or coercive relationship as far as you're aware.

I think you're over thinking unless this guy has other warning signs?

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/05/2025 21:53

I agree OP, I'd struggle to look at him in the same way.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 05/05/2025 21:53

Oooh the dirty dawg Wink

12 years will make a difference between some 20 year old women and some 32 year old men, but for others it won't.

It really depends on the adults and their maturity.

Bikergran · 05/05/2025 21:55

Men see it differently. I bet all his mates were green with envy.

SerialChillers · 05/05/2025 21:56

It is a gross really, so a grown man over 30 to be interested in someone who is only just past being a teenager. When you say “a fling”, what do you mean? Did he know her age? Was it ongoing? I think that would make a big difference for me.

londongirl12 · 05/05/2025 21:56

There was 12 years between my grandparents.

20 years is more than an adult. If you like him, I wouldn’t let this stop you.

Moveoverdarlin · 05/05/2025 21:59

Wouldn’t bother me at all. No offence but I know 20 year olds and 28 year olds (your age) and there is no difference. Not in the way they look, or talk or act. You’re only 8 years older than her. That’s nothing. She’s 20, not 15.

Original poster
Sroia · 05/05/2025 21:59

SerialChillers · 05/05/2025 21:56

It is a gross really, so a grown man over 30 to be interested in someone who is only just past being a teenager. When you say “a fling”, what do you mean? Did he know her age? Was it ongoing? I think that would make a big difference for me.

Fling= didn’t make it to boyfriend/girlfriend status. Were spending time together for around 2/3 months.

Shes at university! He met her through her summer internship at his company

OP posts:
Original poster
Sroia · 05/05/2025 22:00

Moveoverdarlin · 05/05/2025 21:59

Wouldn’t bother me at all. No offence but I know 20 year olds and 28 year olds (your age) and there is no difference. Not in the way they look, or talk or act. You’re only 8 years older than her. That’s nothing. She’s 20, not 15.

Emotional maturity? Life experience?

I look at my 20 yo self as a foetus

OP posts:
Stickortwigs · 05/05/2025 22:00

It wouldn’t occur to me that this is a problem whatsoever. They’re both adults.

roseymoira · 05/05/2025 22:02

It’s all relative isn’t it? For me I see anyone in their 20’s as a daft kid

Butchyrestingface · 05/05/2025 22:03

Sroia · 05/05/2025 22:00

Emotional maturity? Life experience?

I look at my 20 yo self as a foetus

Show quote history

Arguably that may just show how young you still are.

I take it you don't actually know this 20 year old in question? She could be more mature than you.

By all means knock it on the head if he/the situation makes you feel uncomfortable. Better to do it too early than too late.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 05/05/2025 22:11

Honestly, I'd keep on seeing him

If it was just a fling and she was aware, it's a bit icky but not the end of the world

Understand your concern though xx

MoominMai · 05/05/2025 22:12

Sroia · 05/05/2025 21:59

Fling= didn’t make it to boyfriend/girlfriend status. Were spending time together for around 2/3 months.

Shes at university! He met her through her summer internship at his company

Show quote history

OP YANBU

Everyone has different opinions and mine is that it is a bit icky especially with the way they met and so even if she was one of these that looked older he’d know how young she was. There’s nothing technically’wrong’ per se but I just know like you if an intern (which we’ve had at our company also) say came onto me which one actually did as I look crazy young for my age haha I thought it was cute and laughed it off with him and I’d say I was 14 years older so not too much difference than your DP. But like you never could I. They are babies 20-21! 😅 Just don’t think it’s appropriate.

Dont know if I’d ever advise to break up with him but in my world yeah would make me feel weird same as you…

steff13 · 05/05/2025 22:12

A fling as in they hooked up a few times? If it was consensual it wouldn't bother me. If it bothers you, then it's probably best to decide if you want to go forward before you're too entrenched in the relationship.

ItGhoul · 05/05/2025 22:16

I dated a man in his early 30s when I was around 20. It was great. We got on well, had a lovely time and the sex was incredible. It was a fling in the sense that we knew he was moving overseas at some point and I had to finish my degree so we knew there was no future in it. But he was lovely and at no point did we ever really discuss the difference in age. I didn’t even give it a moment’s thought. We stayed in touch via email for ages.

I don’t look back on myself at 20 and think of myself as immature or a child though. I don’t see myself as any less of an adult woman at 20 as I am now in my 40s.

Obviously if it bothers you, it bothers you. But it wouldn’t bother me at all.

Viv1977 · 05/05/2025 22:33

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JoyousEagle · 05/05/2025 22:37

I find it a bit odd that you, a 28 yr old, would feel “motherly” towards a 20 yr old.

Original poster
Sroia · 05/05/2025 22:40

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What a misogynistic interpretation.

Wild

OP posts:
Original poster
Sroia · 05/05/2025 22:41

JoyousEagle · 05/05/2025 22:37

I find it a bit odd that you, a 28 yr old, would feel “motherly” towards a 20 yr old.

Elder sisterly then.

I would not be wanting to get with a 20 yo. That’s for damn sure

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 05/05/2025 22:45

Sroia · 05/05/2025 22:00

Emotional maturity? Life experience?

I look at my 20 yo self as a foetus

Show quote history

But that's your experience for you not of everyone and different people have different life experiences and exposures.

At 21 I was dating a 31 year old wasn't weird at all we got on brilliantly but I had a much harder work ethic then him which ultimately led to the mismatch.
Everyone is different.

Viv1977 · 05/05/2025 22:47

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