New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

@TheRubyPoet I met my husband ( 7 yr gap) pre internet dating etc when you met in pubs / clubs / at parties . My first question was not how old are you , we were mutually attracted to one another and as it panned out he’s been the kindest , sweetest , most romantic and loving husband I could have wished for plus being a fabulous father . Nobody at that age is thinking that they may end up having to look after someone and rightly so because shit happens and can happen at any age - my own dad died aged 50 , but after 30/40 yrs of a very happy marriage , if something happened to my husband would I regret it if I have to look after him - no I won’t because 36 yrs in we are still very much a loving couple and happy to care for each other . I certainly dont think I was ‘duped’ and I certainly got the better end of the bargain in our marriage . Stop being so cynical , you may find you have a happier life .

Quite both my dad and his sister ended up.being carers ,for their spouses,my Dad for my mum. And his sister for her husband
In his sisters case there was a ten year age gap but they were married for 60 years and it was only in the last few years he needed care
My Dad was my mum ,s carer in the last few years too there was four weeks in age between them!
As you say it can happen to anyone

My dad was two years older than my mum. He wasn’t the one who needed care.

I'm using my expertise as a researcher to explain that 90% of age gap relationships are older man/younger woman because most women aren't aware. Usually they find it disturbing once they grasp how unfair it us. No need to tell me I'm unhappy because I've studied age gap relationships and like to discuss it. Just because you and some ppl you know are happy in AGR it doesn't mean that they're a good thing for society when 90% of the time it's older man/younger woman.
There are historic reasons why women had no choice but to marry older men their father's chose for them.

Statistically women end up being the nurse and widow when she is significantly younger than her partner.
*some men are carers to younger wives, yes, this can be true but it is rarer. In fact, it is so common that men leave terminally I'll wives that oncologists warn newly diagnosed women about it, advising them to rely on friends and extended family for support.
Not my opinion, a fact.

@TheRubyPoet historically is not now though is it and I’m sorry but I know plenty of people who have age gap relationships that don’t have a power imbalance or feel that they were duped or preyed upon . The problem with research is you get more complainers coming forward , in the same way as on SM you get lots of people piling on to complain about companies / drugs etc when in reality there are way more people who use the company/ drug and are happy with it so you never hear about them . You feel free to talk about actual cases you know about / have been told about but stop generalising that it is true for the majority .

Some bizarre thinking on these threads.

50 years ago, it was fairly normal for girls in their late teens to seek out men in their twenties and thirties as they would probably have a car, a house or flat, stability, and money to lavish on them. Women would mostly ignore younger men.

When did this all change?

I keep reading about "power imbalances" - surely the primary dynamic in any relationship is mutuality? I've always considered the biggest imbalance to be when one is more emotionally invested in a relationship than the other - regardless of wealth etc. It's entirely normal for people to have different backgrounds or social standing, and both usually bring different things to the relationship.

it is so common that men leave terminally I'll wives that oncologists warn newly diagnosed women about it, advising them to rely on friends and extended family for support
@TheRubyPoet and this fact has nothing to do with age gaps and more to do with people who are with husbands that don’t love them enough .

No, it is so common that husbands do not see their role as carers that they can't cope and leave terminally I'll partners. The fact is Macmillan train nurses and doctors to have these discussions with patients.
It's not about your beliefs or my opinions, I'm interested in facts.

You're right about historic dynamics.
Men still prefer and seek out younger partners. Women are brainwashed into believing older men means maturity and security.
Fact is 90% of AGR are older men with younger women despite progress in the workplace, (increased earnings and opportunities) and fertility technology (women can have babies into their 40s) so the old chestnut of men preferring young women for fertility blabla is now redundant but we all know they prefer many men prefer the power imbalance.

Do improvements in fertility technology override evolution then?

But what has that got to do with age difference relationships , which is what this thread is about , it’s not about how shit some men are .

Because the ick that OP is experiencing can be explained as part of a wider issue. It's validating for OP to understand this.

Of course they don’t and I imagine one of the attractions of solvent older men for some younger women is that they can start a family earlier than they could with someone their own age. Biologically the optimum time for women to have children is in their 20s.

Well the OP asked the question , the large majority think she is unreasonable and the people validating her have come out with ridiculous things like a 20 yr old is a foetus and when he was 20 she was 8 , as if that is remotely relevant .

Mumsnet probably isn't the place to have reasoned discussion. People who reply to AIBU posts aren't usually nuanced in their thinking and while I agree with you that patronising a 20 year old and calling her a foetus is not fair, I have also interviewed many women in their 40s and 50s who look back on their 20 year old selves and realise they were manipulated by older men.
I would also like to know what the 20 year old thinks. Perhaps she thought the 'fling' was something more and fell for the 32 year olds seduction lines.
I gather she was an intern at his company. That suggests a power imbalance.
OP may worry that he likes considerably younger women and not feel secure with her new BF. She should trust her gut as there are men, like my husband who would never dream of going near an intern.

Many men have used the 'evolutionary' argument to justify their attraction to teenagers.
We are mammals but we are not apes.
We can control when and where we go to the toilet so the men who choose to pee in the street and not clean up after themselves when they live with women do so because they choose not to be evolved.

This is a valid point.
Historically women were married off when they were young. My mother married at 22 and had me when she was 23. I think she wishes she travelled and had a career but she had to give up her job when she got pregnant.
In only one generation, we have gained so much more freedoms and ofc fertility technology such as the pill and safer abortions and ivf give us greater control and choice.

Well done @TheRubyPoet because you’ve now basically insulted the 75 % of voters on this thread by saying we are not nuanced in our thinking .

I'm not really surprised that ppl on an AIBU thread don't show empathy for the OP. It's easy street for trolls.

And yet you are here @TheRubyPoet
Are you the sole real person do you think? Or is it more likely that some other educated and/or experienced women disagree with you?

No @cardibach we are all brain dead trolls who can’t think for ourselves . It would be funny if it wasn’t so insulting.

So maybe give some evidence to back up your claims?

Show us where these stats come from. Show us accounts of women regretting their older men relations. Show us those outweigh accounts of women who have enjoyed their age gap relationships...

(Older women getting duped by younger men abroad especially is quite a big thing....)

Of course we can’t think for ourselves, it’s all the “brain washing” where the power of independent thought and choice is apparently washed away. Or maybe we simply don’t have it before the age of, what, 40? Don’t know, but it’s very clear we weak willed women need to be “saved” by a very clever researcher 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Nope

Add in that MN especially thinks anyone over 35 having a child is selfish

It doesn't matter if women can have children in their 40s, it's still not considered normal or even acceptable