New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

I wouldn't write him off for it. I know many women who have also had flings with younger guys too. So just because it doesn't appeal to you personally doesn't necessarily mean anything, in my opinion.

But 20 and 32 are pretty much different phases of life in my book, so I'm with you on that.

If he'd had a serious long term relationship with someone that much younger or a pattern of much younger partners, it would bring up possible red flags to me about misogyny, him wanting someone he could dominate and feel smarter than, rather than wanting to share his life with a partner on his own level. Him feeling like women lose value as they age while thinking he just gets greater- again, misogyny. Or it might possibly indicate that he is immature or not really interested in a serious, grown-up relationship. But one short fling, nah.

Stating the source of my discomfort is "jealousy" reduces my valid concern re power dynamics and maturity to a tired stereotype: I’m jealous of the younger, fertile woman. Are you taking the actual piss?

It assumes women can’t think critically or have boundaries without it being rooted in insecurity. I explained my issue clearly—about the ethics of a 32-year-old choosing a 20-year-old for sex—and brushing that off as jealousy is lazy, patronising and dismissive.

Plus I’m a considered very attractive so it makes no sense.

This!

Men like hot, young women, but probably not in a long-term way. It wouldn’t bother me.

That’s even worse. An intern at his workplace! Totally inappropriate.

I agree. Misogynistic, ignorant post. Ignore!

I’m really surprised by the responses on this thread. A 12 year age gap and the younger person being just 20 is really quite disgusting and predatory, especially as she a an intern at his workplace. Gross. I am not sure how anybody could respect a man who thinks it is acceptable to behave like that.

Well, you can blow him out for something which you disapprove of, of course, that’s your privilege . So did he tell about himself, or did someone else? If the latter, was it with disapproval?

He sounds quite tasty to me, but if you have moral standards which preclude possible partners having an age disproportionate relationship, that’s up to you. Up to you though, not to some randoms on the internet.

If you dobreak it off, tell him truthfully why, though.

That would give me the ick so I don’t blame you feeling weird about it OP. I don’t think I could continue seeing him.

It doesn’t matter if it makes us uncomfortable or not

its how you feel and for you it just doesn’t sit right and thats absolutely fine. Maybe this is from your experiences or friends of yours it again it doesn’t matter for yourself it’s not comfortable

The gf of bf’s friend is a shit stirrer

You may as well give the relationship a go for the next few months and see how it goes, it still seems to be relatively new, maybe the fling offered herself to him on a plate and he never took it seriously

Nah. That would only be the mouthbreathers who get all excited at headlines like "Barely legal!" and "Porntastic!" Not the ones you'd, you know, actually want or anything.

I’m extremely receptive to feedback and input. But you’re not analyzing me—you’re dismissing me under the guise of insight. I laid out a clear, reasoned concern about a man choosing a much younger woman in a dynamic that screams imbalance, and instead of engaging with that, you’ve reduced it to armchair psychoanalysis centred on my so called “overreaction”.

That’s patronizing, condescending, and frankly lazy. You’ve ignored what I actually said in favor of projecting your own narrative, and calling that ‘help’ doesn’t make it any less invalidating.

If your clinical experience leads you to pathologize women’s discomfort with male behaviour as emotional dysfunction, then perhaps it’s time to reflect on your own biases—not mine.

Maybe you should use you ‘clinical experience’ to examine your own life, as you have just started a thread telling everyone you’re shagging someone else’s husband, lying to your own husband, yet are in a culture which it’s taboo to say write the word sex. The search function is great at times. You’re full of it and we can recognise a bloke pretending to be a woman fairly easily. Get back to Reddit.

Completely agree. Maybe it’s because I work with 18-22 year olds and they are very much children still! Very bizarre that by your 30s you wouldn’t feel a bit too old considering the additional amount of life experience (being in the ‘real world’). The 20 year old women who date men in their 30s which I have known thought they were very clever and mature but really the older men were just pervy.

Same. I’m 46 and I don’t feel motherly towards random younger people.

OP if it makes you uncomfortable then bin him, but don’t assume your feelings about it are right or universal.

It wasn't a great idea of his to have a fling with an internship at his company. It's like all young females are 'fodder'.

It seems like it was just a hookup, you hadn't met at that stage @Sroia?

I had a holiday romance with a 21 year old when I was 32 it was great fun.

I wouldn't worry unless it's a Leo DiCaprio style pattern

The only part about this that would bother me is that she was an intern at his company.

You look at your 20 year old self as a foetus? That's a really strange thing to say. I'm offended if I'm totally honest.

I had a joint mortgage with my partner at 19 who I married at 20. We've been together 40 years. I certainly didn't feel like a foetus when I got married.

Our youngest daughter met her partner at work when she was 20 and he was 34. He couldn't believe it when her office was decorated with 21st birthday balloons for her - he thought she looked late 20s. She thought he looked late 20s. They've been together 9 years, lived together 7 years, married one year, and have three children. Both have professional careers.

I think if your boyfriend elicits such strong adverse feelings in you then you're obviously not meant to be together - especially since he seems to like younger women than you.

You’ve got a thread at the moment @Viv1977 in which you announced that you’re fucking another woman’s husband because your own doesn’t want sex with you. Despite the fact that in your culture it’s apparently taboo even to write the word ‘sex’.

I don’t think you’re best placed to be lecturing anyone on relationships, really.

Why are you making my foetus comment about you? Being 20 in London in 2015 would obviously look and feel very different to being 20 in 1985.

It’s not a literal statement. I was very green when I was 20. Despite thinking I had it all figured out. Quite normal ime

Bad enough that she was 20, worse that she was an intern in his company. That's quite exploititive.