New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

Yep would make me feel weird too

To me, that last bit is key. There's a bit of a creepy dynamic with her being the intern at his company - not unreasonable to see it as an abuse of power. However - nothing illegal & if otherwise everything is good then I guess 🤷🏼

Worth noting that MN is generally quite pro huge age gaps & very much sits on the 'well she was legal' wall. Some of the shit I've seen justified here is mindblowing & usually it's ppl justifying their own experiences, so worth bearing that in mind.

Ultimately you're entitled to feel however you do about it!

I had a fling with a 21 year-old last summer at the age of 34, was absolutely fantastic. ☺️ I certainly didn’t feel motherly towards him!

At 21, I had a ‘fling’ with a 32 year old. We’re celebrating our 44th wedding anniversary next month. Power imbalance - maybe - but I am the stronger personality 😂

Unless she really made a play for him

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest (as there's nothing wrong with it) but if it really is an issue for you (and you are allowed to have that opinion), then he's not the guy for you.
You should find someone else who fits better/more with your values/ideals/goals etc.

Edit: autocorrect

When I was 21 my DP was 38, and we ended up having a child together. I think the bottom line is men don’t generally take much persuasion, and if a man in his thirties has the opportunity to have sex with a 20 year old, he’s probably going to go for it. He was single at the time, it didn’t develop into anything, possibly because of the age gap. But I wouldn’t get hung up on it, it’s not particularly scandalous.

a 10-year age gap - not a problem
dating a summer intern - possibly. Would depend on circumstances

Even if she made a play for him. He's old enough to know better.

not just a 20 year old, but a 20 year old intern at his company. the different life stages and the fact that she likely admired him/work power thing would give me the ick. i don’t think you are being jealous or unreasonable to feel some pause.

I was 21 when I got with my ex husband, who was 34 at the time. I have friends with husbands with a similar age gap so I wouldn’t say it is weird or unusual.

You would struggle to find many men who wouldn’t happily have a fling with a 20 year old. Your bf was single, had the opportunity and he took it. The older people get the more experiences they will have had especially if they are charismatic, good looking and have not always been in a committed relationship. Out of the many things a 32yr old might have got up to in the past, this is pretty mild. I think you are over thinking it.

There’s really not much difference between 20 and 30. I don’t know why at 28 you’d feel motherly towards a 20 yr old! I thought you were going to say he is 50 and his ex is 18!!

It was a fling and she was an adult, albeit a young one. He’s only 32 not even Middle Aged and so likely still sees himself as young.

Clearly it didn’t work out and he then dated you, who is more age appropriate. So I’d say he learnt from dating a much younger woman that he would prefer a woman closer to his age.

You say she was a summer intern, but the fling was around Christmas? So did they keep in touch for months, or did they bump into each other randomly after she left the internship?

YOU were quite green, many 20 year olds are not. You speak maturely now act maturely and talk to him about it.

Can’t see the problem myself but you can so end it and move on

I’d be fine with it but you’re not, and very strong in your opinion. It’s clearly a boundary for you so end it. 🤷‍♀️

Some women like older men: the 20 yr old might find men her age or just slightly older as too immature and prefer men in their 30s. We can't say it's automatically exploitative unless we know how mature or otherwise she is.

I was incredibly mature at 20, I’d had to grow up very quick sadly…don’t generalise about people just due to age.

28 is definitely too young to be feeling motherly about 20-year-olds. They're basically the same generation as you. I would feel quite patronised if I was 20 and someone only a few years older than me treated me like a child.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at a 20-year-old having a fling with a 32-year-old (give or take a few years I've been on both ends of that). Having a fling with an intern is much more off to me, but I have quite a rigid "absolutely no flings with colleagues" rule which I'm always surprised more people don't share. But if this is your rigid rule then it's up to you what you feel about it!

We are talking about two consenting adults here. If he’d been her manager, telling her that getting with him would get her a job? Then yes, not nice. But two people who meet in a workplace, click and decide to spend some time together for a few months? Entirely up to them.

Why is 20 different now? Is it better or worse in your opinion? Explain why you were a foetus as an adult. @Sroia

I wasn't exactly sent down the mines or cleaning chimneys from the age of eight.

Why does the period of time between you being 20 and you being 28 take you from being a foetus to feeling like a mother?

Makes absolutely no sense - literally!

It's hard to say. There's still a lot of mental development that goes on after 20 and in some ways people that age can still be quite immature. I was already a mother at 20 and great at it, but now late 30s I can see that some of my thinking processes, particularly in regard to relationships were quite juvenile and needed development. But maybe we just continue to develop and in my late 50s I'll look back and realise at 37 I was an idiot? I don't think he's a perve for going with her. I think for some people who have teenage or young adult children, it reminds you of how young 20 actually is. You don't have that perspective until your children reach that stage and you see that actually, yes in some ways they are still just kids.
Maybe a power imbalance would have become more visible if the relationship had progressed, but if it was just about sex and both were consenting and happy I can't see a problem.

The 12 year age gap is do-able at that age - however the dating an intern aspect makes the gap just a bit too wide, IMO.

But unless he's made a habit of this I wouldn't be put off.