New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

Because women NEVER get into relationships with older men . .

🙄

I think this is one of the most bizarre posts I've ever read on here.

It all depends on what happened. A mature 20 year old who understood the situation would not worry me.

Yes, it would bother me, not because of the age gap (I don't see an issue with a 30 year old dating a 40 year old, for example), but because of the fact a 20 year old young woman is barely out of her teens and not as emotionally developed as a 30-odd year old man.

Plus, if one of my partner's friends did it, I'd find it pretty grim - I wonder if that's why his friend's gf brought it up with you? I wonder if there's more about him she feels uncomfortable about?

So he had a fling with an adult before meeting you. Not a teenager; a 20-year old. No, I wouldn't be bothered if I really liked him. Do you really like him @Sroia ?

Well, you’re making fairly sweeping assumptions about what it’s like to be 20 on the basis of YOUR experience. So reasonable enough that other posters counter that with THEIR experiences.

YOU may have been an immature, inexperienced “foetus” when you were 20. But not all 20 year olds are like that, even today. You don’t know the 20 yo in question here. She could be more mature than you are now at 28. Or not. You just don’t know.

The only thing you DO know is that this man has done something which makes you feel uncomfortable. That’s reason enough to end it if you don’t feel you can or should overcome that discomfort.

Yeah, the majority of men, then. Not that they'd admit it out loud..........🤣

It wouldn't bother me at all as it was before you got together. Also I met my husband a couple weeks before he turned 21 and I was 31 so I would be a bit of a hypocrite. In my defense the person that introduced us did tell me he was turning 25 and were now married with a baby.

This wouldn't bother me at all. I'm 28 now. By 20 I had way more emotional maturity and life experience than others my age. I had no choice. I grew up in care and went from there to living independently, so most of my childhood and teen years were me simply surviving and being 'the adult'. At that time, guys (or boys as you would see them) my age were on a whole different wave length, just wanting to go out drinking, pick up women in clubs and do drugs. That wasn't me, so I gravitated towards the guys who were late 20s/early 30s because they matched my level of needs more. So to judge this girl, who you dont even know, as being a baby without life experience/maturity is wrong. You also can't judge this guy for a mutual fling before you were together. YANBU for being put off by it though, so by all means end things but your views on this aren't everyone else's and it doesn't make him a predator as some are labelling him.

I understand you OP. It is weird. The fact that he doesn’t agree would bother me. At 20 you are very naive and your brain is not fully developed. I’d have to get rid xx

ALL 20 year olds are naive and immature. Even if they couldn’t recognise that in themselves lol. You’ll get loads trying to convince you that you are wrong for your opinion (based on fact) and that they are right cuz their grandma and grandad/ parents/ they were fine and see no issue.

Hope you can work out what I mean in that last post as I am half asleep

I’d have shagged a 32 year old ragged when I was 20, given the chance. Always had a thing for the older man.

Well dump him then , if you're not comfortable with it.

This would give me pause on the relationship. The age and the intern aspect isn't great. I think I'd have to observe more of his views/and treatment of women to see if there was a future.
It's difficult at the start it's so easy for entitled men to hide.
Does he see there could of been potential issues with that relationship particularly the work element? Does he reflect at all? Can he see from the woman's side. Did he feel it was OK because emotionally he wasn't anymore mature at 32 than he was at 20? Did he have any reservations about it? What did his friends and family think?

I'm 32 I wouldn't go near a 20 year old in that capacity. I work with that age range and they seem very very very young to me.

I'd trust your gut op.

Ethically it’s horrible, but physically and legally it’s not gross really. They’re both young. He wasn’t 70, or even 50 getting with a 20 year old. Men and women are attracted to young, attractive people but women often have an over-riding instinct that prevents them acting on it. We’ve been conditioned to think it’s weird and that we’d be just her for it so it’s not worth it to most of us. This is interesting bc why is this? Maybe it’s bc older men tend to be more settled and reliable - better partner and father prospects. But maybe also the whole ‘weird’ thing is a construct of men who don’t want women their age actively interested in younger competition and also most younger men don’t want older women ‘letching’ on them or making a move perhaps.

The age gap in this instance would most likely be a purely physical thing from the man’s perspective - the chance to have sex with a firm, young, willing body - which is horrible in itself for all sorts of reasons but not disgusting I don’t think.

I thought from the title he’d had the fling while in the relationship with OP - that of course would be different.

Twenty year old men are far less mature than 20 year old women.
If you feel strongly about it then dump him and move on. You can end a relationship with someone for any reason whatsoever.

Age difference wouldn't bother me too much

Power imbalance more of an issue

This. If it’s given you the ick, then dump him.

Oh get real
A lot of men wouldn’t turn it down

If you don't want to be with him finish it but no it's not odd,that he had a fling with another adult ,she's 20 not 16
Mumsnet is really weird about age gap relationships.

It’s a complete myth that the ‘brain isn’t fully developed’ at 20. I see that said constantly on Mumsnet and it’s absolutely not true. At all.

https://www.sciencefocus.com/comment/brain-myth-25-development

Certainly a 20-year-old might have less life experience than a 32-year-old but they absolutely do not have a less developed brain.

Fine if people think 12 years is an unacceptable age gap for whatever other reason - but ‘20-year-olds brains aren’t developed’ isn’t one of them.

Maybe the ones you work with are very immature but some 20 year olds are parents ,themselves ,or working in healthcare ,teaching ( or at least training ) etc,don't tar them all.with the same brush.

I lost my virginity aged 18 to a 47 year old, and it was very much my decision — I was working abroad, didn’t want to have sex for the first time in the context of a relationship, wanted someone I would never see again, who had experience etc. I picked him up. It was a good decision.

Not all young women are powerless and immature.

You're assuming a 20 year old woman would never choose a 32 year old man for sex. Some women prefer older men. Often because guys their own age or younger treated them poorly. She might not be as green as you were at 20.

At 20 I'd been left home four years, been in prison and was living alone on a canal barge, whereas many of my school mates still lived with their parents and couldn't boil an egg. It comes down to the twenty year old