New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

I get you OP. It's a bit off-putting when you hear about it. Imbalance at work and age difference. It was only a fling and I presume consensual so he hasn't broken any rules. Plus people do get together with that difference and it works out. I just think he should have had the judgement to gloss over details.

But I get you. I wouldn't see a person that much younger and more junior as a sexual prospect either. If it had been his friend's uni ex or someone else slightly verboten I'd also be a bit put off (perhaps not an exact equivalent but I hope you see the point I'm making). 'Ok, but not everyone would have gone there and I don't feel great knowing now'.

I think it belongs in the 'nothing to declare so why does a new girlfriend need to know?' I dated some men like that and I'd didn't generally lead anywhere great, if they couldn't show maturity and discretion in the relationship, having too much to say about their previous sex lives. My experience ended up with too much to say about other women if I'm honest.

If it was a 20 year old who was still at uni then I'd be a bit put off I think as most students still live at their parents house outside term time, and live in a student bubble etc with a lot of growing up still to do. I just can't imagine what they'd have in common.

A 20 year old who was working, had their own place, managed their own finances etc then I don't think the age difference is as big of a deal

Just seen she was an intern at his company and still at uni. I think his company may take a bit of a dim view of this fling as well!

^this!! Definitely makes it more inappropriate as she was an intern at his company. I wouldn’t see him in the same way after finding out

I would rarely even cross paths with 20 year olds outside of family, or work interns and I’m not even in my 30s yet - there is a huge difference in life experience. Perhaps will be a few exceptions of mature 20 year olds but even if she was one of them, she was still an intern at his company

I completely agree with you OP and most of my friends would too (late twenties londoner).

I presume the people saying there’s not much of a difference, or how they were mature at 20 or whatever are more likely to be from previous generations. Age gaps were definitely more common in my Mum’s generation and shrugged off but less so now. Also, it’s less about the actual age gap but more the fact she was 20 and an intern

Wouldn’t bother me. I was 21 and dated a 35 year old. They’re both adults and you don’t know what she was like. Also says it was just a fling?

I would only find it weird of he ONLY dated 20 year old women and that appears to not be the case.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche well I find your post more strange tbh. Most 20 year olds these days will not have a mortgage or be married.

Happy to hear things worked out for your daughter, but I still think it’s much less common for a 20 year old and 30 year old to have similar life experience these days. Many 20 year olds are students, as was the case here.

My friends and I are much closer to the age of 20 than you and your daughter, so will likely have a better idea of the average 20 year olds experience of today.

also for finding OPs comment about seeing their 20 year old self as a foetus ‘offensive’ - 💀 loool… as someone actually from gen Z it’s a light hearted joke, people often use it in internet slang (especially stan twitter)

So basically what you are saying is that 20 year olds from previous generations were far more mature,than 20 year olds these days ?
I guess I can agree with that im 51 I was a lot more independent as a late teen early 20,s than my own 18 year old
Lots of people left school at 16 and straight into full time work.

@unfold

what is more strange actually is OP being a foetus at 20 and motherly at 28! And she uses words such 'literally' to emphasise that.

generation has absolutely nothing to do with it whatsoever

so you want it both ways?

what about legal age of consent/smoking/voting are you saying that 20 years olds aren't capable of this now because you're all in the foetus state still at 20?

you don't know what you want

And I also said I misspoke with the “motherly” comment. I was trying to convey how I have absolute no sexual interest in the 20 yos at my workplace due to the fact they seem very young.

Men prefer younger, it gets worse when you're older. I have fit 45 year old friends who have found out their husbands cheated with 22 year olds, and one friend is 48 just found out her husband's mistress of two years is pregnant, she's 29. He's still at home, im.encouraging her to kick him out. At least she'll get to keep the house.

The women who said youre BU dont understand the power dynamics inherent in men choosing to date far younger. Feminism fails to critically analyse why women should tolerate this.
Women are foolish for accepting that men prefer younger and accepting it. Young women are easily manipulated by an older man with a car who buys them drinks and tells they're mature for their age.
I'm bored shirtless of being told I'm jealous and controlling for wanting to discuss this with men.

It’s true that adolescence definitely seems to have extended now and expectations of young adults are quite different than 20/30 years ago. Remember in Covid when students were locked in at halls and it was all ‘poor children’. Traditional markers of adulthood like marriage/home buying/having kids all happen later, if at all, and so markers of ‘maturity’ are harder to compare between generations.

Really disappointing to see so many posters defending predatory behaviour of men in their 30s towards women who are barely out of their teens.

Trying to derail the conversation based on the OP making a flippant and clearly joking comment about her younger self is just silly.

This man preyed upon a very young woman who was still a student and doing an internship at his place of work. Totally inappropriate behaviour and clearly it raises serious questions about his values.

How is it predatory ,she's 20 ?a full.two years out of her teens
You may not like it but it's not up to you to decide if it's right or not .

Totally agree

It looks ok to me. My parents married in 1949 when mum was 19. Dad was 28. They were married over 60 years, until mum’s death in fact.

I’m merely pointing out that we know nothing about the dynamics of this brief relationship other than their respective ages — if someone only knew that I lost my virginity to a 47 year old, they might assume he’d ’preyed on’ a teenager, but the reality is that it was my idea, and my choice, and one I’m still happy with (though I’m now older than the man in question.)

If he had a position of authority over her at her internship, and the brief sexual relationship happened during the internship, that’s a different matter, and both unprofessional and unethical, but the OP doesn’t say it did, only that’s how they knew one another.

Right back at you🙄
Your making it sound like women shouldn't have a choice in who date and don't have a mind of their own.

There’s something seriously wrong with a 47 year old who would have sex with a teenager, no matter what you want to tell yourself about it.

How is 20 two years older than 19? 🤣

And here we are, infantalising 20 years olds as "barely legal", "still children", "immature" and then wonder why young adults can't cope alone...

I'm 32, lots of people at my work are 20-25. Some of them are very immature 20 year olds and seem very young, some are 25 but I'd assume were 20, some are 20 but I assumed they were older until they said something about their age. Most of them don't believe I'm over 30.

It entirely depends on the person

It's not your right I was thinking 18 is an adult so a full two years of being an adult.

How is he with you more generally? Does he over share usually about his past, do you feel secure in the relationship as new as it is? Do you know about his past lo g term relationships?

Females have always appeared to behave more maturely than males. It's apparent in primary school. You appear to be attracted to someone a little older than you because he's more mature. H and I have the same age gap as you do now.

Men generally are interested in younger women - especially your 'boyfriend'. He's proved that with his recent 'fling' and now he's proving that he likes a more motherly woman.

Your dilemma is whether or not he'll hanker after the 20 yo foetuses.