New guy I’m seeing had a fling with someone much younger

[Sroia]

I’m 28. I’ve been seeing a guy who is 32. We’re both professionals in London.

We only very recently made it official. I was getting quite excited - bf is very handsome, kind and charismatic. We have shared interests and he’s an amazing cook.

But I found out over the BH weekend (through a gf of bf’s friend) that bf had a fling with a girl who was 20 around Xmas time. It’s really made me feel weird about bf. I would feel motherly towards a 20 yo guy, not want to get with one.

I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance. It seems a bit gross. I have a brother who is 31 and I know he would never date anyone as young as 20.

I'm not overthinking this one, am I?

Maybe look deeper here. Your jealous of him seeing someone younger. Better body care free etc. Your wanting security and are worried he will run of with someone younger. Has this happened before. Work on your jealousy

His motivation wasn’t, and isn’t, my responsibility. I was working abroad, living independently — sexually inexperienced, sure, but mature in other ways, and well used to looking after myself. I’m not trying to retrofit agency onto a situation where I had none. Obviously I don’t know any more than the OP has disclosed about the 20 year old she’s talking about, but my 18 year old self was pretty hard-headed.

Well.exactly it doesn't help young adults to shield them.from the realities of life
My niece lost her mum suddenly when she was just 18 and was deemed adult enough to.have full residency of her two younger brothers and
And yet,on here 20 year olds are all immature overgrown children who can't possibly know their own minds

Is that your idea of looking deeper? 'you're jealous'?

Lots of people are saying this, but she was a summer intern and the fling was Christmas time - she wasn’t the intern when it started. There may well have been no power issue at all, just 2 people who had fancied each other when at work but left pursuing it until they didn’t work together.

Pathetic. It's never about jealousy or being bitter. That's what paedos call women.

What does around 20 mean? Was she 20? 21? 22?
My first husband and I had a 10 year age gap. Around those ages No issues whatsoever.

I know these two met at work, but I’m 60 and meet a lot of people in their early 20s through hobbies (music - age doesn’t affect your ability much!). Most of them seem fairly capable. It’s a weird thing of modern society that we don’t meet people from different generations much I think.
In this case they met at work but weren’t working together when the fling happened, judging by the time line in the OP.

I don’t think it’s particularly feminist to say young women are foolish and can be bought with drinks…
Power dynamics are relevant, of course, but not for every single older man/younger woman relationship.

I don’t think anyone is defending predatory men, more saying there’s no real evidence this was predatory. They weren’t actually working together when it happened if the OP’s timeline is right and he doesn’t seem to have a pattern of going with much younger women - he’s seeing the OP, for example.

"I guess it just indicates he was comfortable with that power imbalance"

You are overthinking things.

Why do you assume there was a 'power imbalance'? Perhaps they both wanted some sex and both agreed.

I am 8 years older than my husband. We have been married for 22 years - NOBODY thought it weird that I was dating someone 8 years younger than myself. There was 13 years between my parents and NOBODY thought that weird either.

Get a grip OP. Unless he was involved with her at the same time as you, why are you bothered by it!

Yes but your daughters OH as yiu said didn’t know her age. What OP is saying is her DP knowing she was a 20year old intern in for the summer made a move. Sorry but I find that predatory and icky. As I said in an earlier post, I’ve worked around this age group for same reason and as I look way younger than I am had a 20 year old come onto me as a 34 year old. Sorry but at that age they are literally like kids still when you yourself are early 30s. Imagine the judgment on a 34 year old woman if she had a 20 year old boyfriend. So gotta agree with the OP, it’s weird. In the end I laughed it off with the intern and did feel protective like OP of this age group rather than see them as potential mates! 🤢

Not sure why you are still taking the light hearted comments about foetus and motherly so seriously
I already mentioned fetus is a known jokey term to describe your younger self, like internet slang, especially used in stan twitter.

people often use ‘literally’ or other terms when they don’t actually mean it

for eg “I’m dying” when they’re not actually dying

and bit of a reach with your last point… 💀

Don’t thinks 20 years olds are actually fetus state, but I do still think most 20 year olds today have different life experience to 30 year olds (especially if they’re a student still like this case).

It’s different for men

I have to say, I couldn’t find it in me to get worked up about this. They obviously had something in common and found each other mutually attractive or they’d not have got to the dating stage. They then discovered they were incompatible, perhaps due to the age difference, and called it a day. No harm, no foul, imo.

It would give me the ick.

I've said YABU,
BUT I can understand your feelings. I'm 21 and the oldest guy I've ever dated was 25 (I was 19 and thgt I was being A BIG GIRL!), so it does seem a little weird. But if it happened be4 you were exclusive and it's all over, I don't think it should concern you.
Thinking about it, a girl (woman) at work who's 27 went out with a 17-nearly-18 year old guy the other day and we were all like "Go For It Gal!".
Somehow it doesn't seem BAD to me that way round, tho I know it should!

There's nothing unusual about a man dating a woman ten years younger. She was an adult.

It's weird to compare it to how you'd feel about a younger guy. That's not really the point is it. People fancy eachother and do stuff. Of course a 20 yo woman is attractive to most men, regardless of age.

“Females have always appeared to behave more maturely than males”

^ I’m not an expert in this area so I can’t really confirm or argue against it. However I have heard this comment a lot especially from people in my parents generation.

Is there any hard evidence for it? How much is due to socialisation and expectations

Is your view OP that 20 year olds are too immature to have sex? What age can people decide that?

Especially when you are talking about just a fun fling, there are lots of things that a 20 and 30 year old might enjoy, going to films, dancing, etc.

I think a lot of women find it hard to relate to the idea of wanting to date a much younger man. Often, a lot of us don't find men in their early 20s very attractive. But that isn't typically true the other way around. In fact, I would go so far as to say that a lot of women at 20 don't find 20 year old men very interesting or attractive.

The idea that two adults have a vast power imbalance because one is older is just kind of a cliched idea, IMO.

Met a guy who was 34 when I was 25. Thought it would be a fling. Just celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary.
You sound pretty judgemental and immature yourself tbh OP.

This is a little overdramatic. You say there's a power imbalance but at 20 I was very successful and mature. I would have happily dated a 32 year old.

How nice being very successful and mature at 20, lucky you x

Meanwhile many 20 year old students today are neither (many still live with parents, tough job market)

I wouldn’t be concerned about a one off fling with a 10 year age gap. Some 20 year olds are more mature than others. A pattern of dating very young women would be more concerning. I would be concerned that he likes the imbalance of power.

But now you’ve said that she was a summer intern, that would give me the ick. It’s not just that he is older, he had seniority over her at work. Creepy, unprofessional, and it shows a lack of judgement. That would turn me off.