Argument between my best friend and DH

[NeedAHol25]

My friend came over on Saturday night. It was my TOM as well as hers (I know this because she had called me earlier in the day as she is TTC and was a bit upset). DH had separate plans which involved him meeting up with friends at the pub. He’d heard me on the phone earlier so was aware of my friend’s TOM.

Friend arrived and DH was still here waiting for his friend to give him a lift. As he was waiting to go out, my friend jokingly said something like ‘escaping us are you’. DH answered this by saying it’s bad enough when it‘s my TOM let alone being in the house when it’s two women’s. This was said in a more derogatory way if you know what I mean.

My friend said that was sexist and not funny. DH told her to get a sense of humour and stop being so uptight. My friend and I went into the kitchen and he got picked up a couple of minutes after.

I spoke to DH when he got home and on Sunday and he was apologetic and said he’d be willing to apologise directly to my friend. I’ve said this to my friend but she’s not willing to accept any apology and thinks he’s an idiot basically.

I am stuck in the middle. Am I being overly harsh to suggest that now a few days have passed,
my friend should accept the apology given its sincere?

So many comments on here that are either men, or 'pick me' women with a shit load of internalised misogyny. (I'm probably going to be told I'm a woke snowflake with no sense of humour now).

The whole thing is weird and inappropriate. Can’t believe any of you have shared or said any of what has been shared and said.

This is not a normal social dynamic to me.

Rather an ill judged comment from your dh but doesn’t sound like there was any malice behind it. It really wouldn’t be friendship ending if one of my friends Dh said it to me.

This.

Raise your standards and expectations of men.

Yes, this needs to be pinned to the MN collective.

To be fair her joke could be interpreted as sexist too, if we're being picky. The stereotype of men 'escaping' women together because oooh all that femininity is toooo much or whatever - pretty harmful really when I'm sure some blokes would prefer a night in without the usual 'ladsladslads' nonsense. He's probably had to have his 'one of the blokes' hat on all afternoon, maybe that's what he meant by forgot he was home. I see it in my son - he's such a soft sweet boy with me and his sister, round his mates he can be a right twat, he visibly relaxes when he gets in the door and can drop it.

Fair point.

I agree, it’s not anything my husband, brothers, male colleagues and friends have said to me. I would be taken aback if they talked about my deeply personal bodily functions like that.

Women have periods. That is factual, not sexist.

Ergo, the friend IS a fucking idiot for saying so.

Amazed you cant grasp something so straightforward and simple. JFC 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

It's a comment made by a woman who has experienced many a period ...

Or just women with different opinions to you...

She doesn't have to accept any apology.

Your husband made a really shitty and offensive comment about women's biology, she has decided he's an asshole. He thinks an apology can change things back to how they were, it doesn't for her. He can suck it up.

No one has to forgive shit.

I think it’s worse because he only knew your friend was on her period because he overheard you on the phone. She hadn’t intended him to know about it, let alone have him make a crass remark about it.

Nice try. He make a comment about her bodily functions that he had no right to as he was never intended to hear she was on her period.

Will you ask your boss next time if he is grumpy because he needs go do a giant shit? Will you heck.

Ergo, sexist. So sell you misogyny somewhere else. Maybe in the incel forum you came from.

Came on to say the exact same. Internalised misogyny so entrenched. OP’s DH clearly not ready to give up his day job to become a “comedian”.
Haven’t we got past the old PMT “jokes” yet?

But some women don't see periods as "deeply personal" and thinks it's important we can and do discuss them openly with husbands, brothers, male friends....

Can you stop patronising me? Discussing periods is one thing, making fun of a woman for it is another.

My DH does support me and has cleaned up after my period when I’ve not been able to, without a word or making a big deal out of it.

But you and OP’s DH are not supportive, you are using a woman’s period against her.

That’s fine, they can talk about their own periods as much as they want. But they need to respect other women’s wishes be more private.

I was brought up being very open about periods; no issues with asking my dad or my brother to get me tampons from the corner shop, have always been open with boyfriends, would tell a male friend if I had period pains or needed to be near a loo. But that’s my choice.

However, I don’t really want my friends’ husbands to know what my vagina’s doing at any given time, or to comment about it.

Making a comment when you know someone is TOM is not the same as making the comment when you don't know

I'm not patronising you

Everyone has a shit.

Not everyone is a female that has periods.

Have a day off.

Your friend is not required to accept his apology.

I would not accept it either. He sounds like a sexist twat and like me your friend sounds like she has zero tolerance for sexist twats. You should just accept her choice and move on from the topic.

I wish people would just use the word PERIOD or MENSTRUATION. Took me ages to work out what TOM is, just call it what it is.

I would be more annoyed by his retort and instruction to 'not be so uptight and get a sense of humour' than by the original joke. The joke could have been impulsive 'foot in mouth' not great but we've all done it in some form. The doubling down and dismissiveness are more inexcusable; and he should apologize for that as much as for the original remark.

Also why do unfunny people insist that others “need to get a sense of humour” when actually their jokes just aren’t funny.