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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away, 9 month old baby

704 replies

ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:43

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

  • Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
  • I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
  • exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
  • baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

OP posts:
SummerIce · 05/05/2025 12:44

Have you tried co sleeping? Both of mine were / are terrible sleeping but they slept better in bed with me. DH going away meant I just brought them into bed with me and we actually slept better…

MumChp · 05/05/2025 12:47

My husband has been away with every young child (we have 3) because of work. A week every time. No choice.

Go for easy food, a cleaner, a babysitter - whatever it takes and you will be fine.

crimsonlake · 05/05/2025 12:48

I would not stop him going if he is otherwise a good father as you'll only feel guilty. Not wanting to sound unsympathetic but lots of single mum's manage and those 6 days will fly past

crumblingschools · 05/05/2025 12:48

How much time does he spend in his hobby? Any costs refundable?

Original poster
ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:50

SummerIce · 05/05/2025 12:44

Have you tried co sleeping? Both of mine were / are terrible sleeping but they slept better in bed with me. DH going away meant I just brought them into bed with me and we actually slept better…

@SummerIce no, we can't cosleep.

OP posts:
Littlemisscapable · 05/05/2025 12:50

It will be fine..you take a week away for you in the next year.

Hercisback1 · 05/05/2025 12:51

Honestly you will cope because you have to.

I'd start to look at why your child is awake so much in the night, have you considered sleep training? All of this would be much easier to deal with rested.

By 9mo you can do food by day, sack off pumping and BF when you're with LO.

PenguinLover24 · 05/05/2025 12:51

I would say if he does go co sleep in the big bed with baby and hopefully you both are more rested! We were always a no for co sleeping but it got us through some rough stages (like the 4 months regression!) I don't think he should be asking you to make the decision, he should look at the situation himself and make that call, in my opinion it should be a no brainer for him to not go, it's only a few months / years things like this are impacted by not being able to go but surely that's better than leaving a partner stressed!

Original poster
ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:51

@crimsonlake I'm not a single mum and I manage his work trips fine. This is a fun trip.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 05/05/2025 12:52

ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:51

@crimsonlake I'm not a single mum and I manage his work trips fine. This is a fun trip.

And you’ll manage this fine, too.

Bernadinetta · 05/05/2025 12:53

MumChp · 05/05/2025 12:47

My husband has been away with every young child (we have 3) because of work. A week every time. No choice.

Go for easy food, a cleaner, a babysitter - whatever it takes and you will be fine.

This isn’t for work though, this is for a hobby. The DH has already been away for work and the OP did cope, but as this is for hobby, there is a choice.

faerietales · 05/05/2025 12:53

Just treat it the same as you'd treat a work trip, and bank it for the future.

Original poster
ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:53

Hercisback1 · 05/05/2025 12:51

Honestly you will cope because you have to.

I'd start to look at why your child is awake so much in the night, have you considered sleep training? All of this would be much easier to deal with rested.

By 9mo you can do food by day, sack off pumping and BF when you're with LO.

@Hercisback1 this trip is in a week's time so no, I can't suddenly stop breastfeeding. Baby is sleep trained but has been teething constantly for the last month. He has had 5 teeth in the last 5 weeks and going by all the teething charts, tooth no.6 should follow shortly.

OP posts:
SummerIce · 05/05/2025 12:54

ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:51

@crimsonlake I'm not a single mum and I manage his work trips fine. This is a fun trip.

When you have children, there rarely is a good time. The next trip, he might be ill, and the same for the next few trips. And then he’ll be teething again, etc. There’s always going to be an excuse for you to not want him to go. He’s allowed fun, as are you.

Why can’t you co sleep?

Original poster
ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:54

faerietales · 05/05/2025 12:53

Just treat it the same as you'd treat a work trip, and bank it for the future.

@faerietales LOL I'd have to go away for MONTHS.

OP posts:
Sunbline · 05/05/2025 12:54

You know you can cope, you just feel resentful he's getting time away to enjoy himself whilst you're stuck home balancing everything. Fair enough, your choices are to be honest with him and say you don't want him to go rather than hoping he'll telepathically know how you feel; or you just carry on and deal with it and make firm plans to away soon. I'm guessing this is your first child as you seem to assume that it'll be easier when they're older...

Hercisback1 · 05/05/2025 12:55

I didn't say stop BF. I said you can stop pumping, up the food in the day and BF when baby is with you. It's more sustainable than pumping and takes one pressure off.

Why can't you Co sleep?

Are you giving calpol for teeth?

greeeeen9 · 05/05/2025 12:55

You’re not being unreasonable. The baby is small and you’re all exhausted, I’d be annoyed too.

Goinggold · 05/05/2025 12:56

What would he be doing if he was at home? If you're bfing I can't see how he can help with night waking. If your baby is overtired after 6pm, then 6pm is bedtime.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/05/2025 12:57

I think you'd feel bad if you made him cancel now, presumably it would also waste money. I'd get my mum to come and stay for some of it just because it would be nicer, but he would definitely owe you! Hopefully he's very aware of that?

crumblingschools · 05/05/2025 12:57

Not everyone can co sleep, some for health reasons.

If DH had been away for work trips he would bin a fun trip away, especially if baby is being hard work and I was working FT and struggling. I assume hobby isn’t going away and he could go another time

Original poster
ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:58

Hercisback1 · 05/05/2025 12:55

I didn't say stop BF. I said you can stop pumping, up the food in the day and BF when baby is with you. It's more sustainable than pumping and takes one pressure off.

Why can't you Co sleep?

Are you giving calpol for teeth?

@Hercisback1 the pumping is the least of my problems! Quite the opposite, baby only has a little milk in the day and is absolutely glued to me when I get home. He breastfeed every hour before bedtime and 3 times between 6am and 8.30am before I go to work.

Yes, I give calpol, I'm not stupid.

Cosleeping doesn't work for us.

OP posts:
OhHellolittleone · 05/05/2025 12:58

Can someone come and stay? Ask him to arrange for his mum to come or something. She can then do daycare drop/pick, make your dinner, keep the house tidy etc.

tbh I’d be planning to wind down the breast feeding or doing some sleep training in your position.

SummerIce · 05/05/2025 12:59

Sunbline · 05/05/2025 12:54

You know you can cope, you just feel resentful he's getting time away to enjoy himself whilst you're stuck home balancing everything. Fair enough, your choices are to be honest with him and say you don't want him to go rather than hoping he'll telepathically know how you feel; or you just carry on and deal with it and make firm plans to away soon. I'm guessing this is your first child as you seem to assume that it'll be easier when they're older...

That’s when I’m sensing too.

Parky04 · 05/05/2025 12:59

ChunkyFTMMum · 05/05/2025 12:51

@crimsonlake I'm not a single mum and I manage his work trips fine. This is a fun trip.

So he isn't allowed any fun now he is a father! No wonder the birth rate is plummeting! Majority of men don't even want to be fathers, they agree because the women want kids!