DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

OP. I would feel quite resentful too. It is easier when they are older and sleeping for definite. I have had 5 kids and the baby stage is the hardest. You can't leave them to play for a bit. They have attachment issues. Most 4 year olds can sit and play and not cry when you leave the room.
I don't have an answer but just know I would feel the same. Your husband won't enjoy himself anyway knowing you are struggling at home. A couple of days away would be better than a week to go away.

Take sick leave.

You're physically exhausted and mentally and emotionally stressed.

Take time to get over this and you your marriage and your baby will benefit.

OP says she can't take sick leave for fear of losing her job and/or clients.

You seem to hate your partner? Is that really how you feel?

I’m really sorry to hear he is going anyway - I think that’s really shit of him
and I would resent the hell out of him.

i hope you have Survived the week okay if it’s this week

thats a pretty common and understandable feeling for women with babies left doing it all really though. The resentment burns.

This!!! I wish I took sick leave when pregnant with DC2. Had a dying parent, we as a small family unit were hit with a few big illnesses/injuries back to back. There were 3 months which were a total right off on weekends as we recovered from giving everything we had to working in the week. Missed every event/plan we had. Work should have taken some of the brunt over and above my health as a pregnant woman.

Now you’re just being rude.
Folks here are trying to help you; your reply tone is really off.
I think your husband should go and enjoy his trip. Life isn’t over when we become parents and you should be planning something for yourself too.

Agree. All sympathy to the husband in this scenario.

Many ‘folks’ have told her she’s parenting wrong, often with mansplaining parenting advice, and that she should be a ‘cool wife’.

That’s not ‘help’

I agree. Hopefully OP has stopped reading all the spite and bile from posters who feel that they can be as rude to the OP as they want, but God forbid that she should snap back.

Plus, they jump in a week after OP started the thread, without reading any of her posts apart from the OP, and come up with some completely useless and even dangerous advice, particularly about her breastfeeding a baby with a severe milk allergy, telling her to just give the baby a bottle of formula. I'm surprised that OP has been as patient as she has.

Yes my full sympathy is extended to him, can’t imagine how hard it must be for him to take off on a 6 night long haul jolly.

@ChunkyFTMMum you’re not remotely unreasonable. You don’t want to tell him to cancel. You want him to show he cares enough about you not to want to leave you exhausted and coping with full time work and a young baby at a full on stage. It is about being seen. He’s a selfish shit frankly.

When I was married (note past tense) I came up against these brick walls with my ex all the time. (I’ll never forget him saying “I’m tired too” when DS was exclusively breastfed and exH did fuck all at night and I hadn’t had more then 2 hours sleep in months. Cock.

I also didn’t want a tit for tat week for myself later (which I knew would never happen anyway). I wanted a husband that (a) gave a fuck about me and (b) wanted to spend his leisure time with me and our kids instead of treating us as a chore that stood between him and work/running/pissing it up with the lads.

How do you know which posters are men and thus mansplaining?

I think she'd just (understandably) fed up with posters not reading even OPs posts and jumping in with rather patronising suggestions.

really? You have a mum of a 9mo baby saying she’s exhausted, she’s working and baby feeds through the night and there is no milk option apart from breastfeeding due to allergies, and she just doesn’t know how she will cope with doing even more to cover her dh going away on a jolly for 6 nights. And all of your sympathy is for the husband. All of it. Wow. Even if he were coming home helping every night my sympathy would be for the mum waking regularly to feed overnight before work the next day. But not yours. You’d clearly say if he’s been helping in the evening that man deserves a holiday. He’s a true hero.
hes just another dad who’s been pretty good but thinks he deserves a huge break which his wife does not ever get. And says he’s going, but notice he doesn’t say I’ll do this to help or I’ll precook all the meals. But you make sure you save lots of sympathy for him. All of it actually, why not. Why would you care about a mum doing it tough when there’s a man and his wife (the mum doing it tough) isn’t keen on supporting him to go away for 6 days.

I have a feeling that his side of the story would be quite a bit different. And if he's treated with bitterness and resentment as we see here, then he probably needs a break.

OP is putting in a pretty big shift right now. Her needs are important too.

Or perhaps, considering the casual indifference with which she's been treated, she's right to be bitter and resentful.

I think it's so interesting (aka fucked up) when women come on a parenting site to read between the lines and take the side of a man, sight unseen, on the assumption the woman is wrong, or an unreliable narrator, or actually asserting her needs or preferences. Heaven forbid. All bow down to the man with a hobby, please.

I do hope @ChunkyFTMMum doesn't forget to give him a blow job on his way out the door so he doesn't look elsewhere to get his other 'needs' met.

Yeah your being unreasonable.

my DH works away for a week every other week and we have 4 kids under 6. You will be fine. it won’t be fun but it will be fine

as another poster said, if he is an otherwise good partner and Dad then he deserves some downtime too

Does OP not deserve some downtime too? Oh no, wait, she's breastfeeding and working ridiculous hours and can't catch a break. He 'offered' to stay at home but didn't actually mean it. Why do men get away with this shit?

My husband went away when our first born was 3 weeks old to a friends wedding for 4 nights, I coped and was sorry to miss the wedding. He's been away for work/fun many times since and I just get on with it. I have also been away over the years and he has coped with the children. I think maybe as this trip is for fun you're feeling hard done by.

I think you haven't read the thread.

I've let my husband do the same in some kind of martyr way (I let him have a week in Ibiza when I had a 5 month old and 2 year old and was working full time). I'd just focus on the bits he does or you find hard alone and think how to make easier. Your favourite Deliveroo for dinner, maybe ask your nanny if you have one, a babysitter if not, help with a couple of evenings and mornings to give you a bit of relief. Make sure the first weekend he's back you have a spa day. And a week away when you're no longer breastfeeding. Or make him treat you all to a gorgeous four seasons or mandarin oriental type hotel as soon as he's back for a weekend so you can have spa time, delicious food etc

Ah, ok. For some reason I took it as b/f until 2.
Into second year is obviously very different.