DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

Can you book some leave whilst he's gone? So as another poster said, go food shopping before your dh leaves, with easy food for you to do whist he's away. Make sure he cleans the house and gets on top of the washing, then have a few days off? So you're only in for 2 days or something, which yes will be hard, but then a few days off? I don't know, anything to make your life easier?

I'd be a bit annoyed he was going away, and yes it would be nice him to cancel and you not have to feel like the bad person for asking him to cancel.

What’s wrong with fun?

I think it’s too late to cancel given this is daily life rather than an emergency.

That being said, I’d ask him to help get ahead before he leaves, for example do the supermarket shop (inc some healthy ready meals for you), clear the washing pile, clean the bathroom etc before he goes

Then I’d get a cleaner in once to help and probably take a days annual leave whilst baby is at nursery in the middle of it to rest up.

And, as previously mentioned by others, book my own trip (doesn’t have to be as long or far away) for a few months time as something to look forward to :)

@Helen46 we don't live in the UK. most women only get 3 months mat leave here. I got 6 months unpaid which was generous. It was go back or lose my job.

Obviously he should cancel.

Fortunately he's said he will if you want him to, so take him at his word.

The excuses people on here make for dads having hobbies are just bizarre.

Then go and tell him for goodness sake. Go and speak to him right now, tell him how much you’re struggling and you can’t cope with him going away. Lots of men need to be told, although we’d rather they figure it out on their own. But they don’t usually. Go and speak to him!

@Sofiewoo in this instance, his fun is directly at my expense.

I understand where you are coming from. Really, I think you just want him to recognise you’re exhausted, put you first and cancel the trip without being ‘asked’.

Youll feel guilty if you ‘ask’ to cancel, but resentful if you don’t. No win situation for you.

Hopefully he’ll just cancel.

On this occasion seeing as it had been agreed, planned and paid for I would suck it up.

People are trying to help and it’s no good getting snippy at them because very few people are saying he shouldn’t go.

I bf DS until he was 3.5 and he didn’t start sleeping through until he was 2 and then not every night. We co slept fully (with a bedside cot) from a few weeks old. When he was a bit older he would start off in the cot and when he woke in the night he got in with me and we both went back to sleep. It saved me, especially when I went back to work. When he was 3, we bought a bigger bed!

Try the co sleeping, book a couple of days AL, get some ready meals in or get your DH to make extra when he is cooking this week so you have easy food, don’t do any housework or just the bare minimum (meal prep and dishes). Rest when little one does. Book a cleaner a few days in if you want to pick up the slack. Enjoy your time with your little one.

Can you afford to get a night nurse to help for a few nights? If you're pumping then presumably baby is taking bottles so you could have someone else do the feeding? If not, any friends who might lend a helping hand a bit?

Otherwise, I would definitely co-sleep. I know you said you don't like to but if haven't read rhe lullaby trust safe 7 sleep tips then I'd recommend that you do as you might feel more comfortable with it and baby may sleep better, even when teething.

I would expect my husband to batch cook up some meals and prep any baby foods for the week they are away so you're really set up. I'd also expect them to have cleaned the house and done laundry etc so you really have nearly nothing to do except work and take care of baby - the extras really take their toll.

Good luck - my husband was constantly away when I had both mine, and neither slept through until 2 years so I know how soul destroying it can be to be that tired.

I went back to work at 6/7 months and I was breastfeeding. However my baby did drink milk in the day so he wasn’t breastfeeding quite as much as yours is. Is there a way you can build up (not just for this but overall) to a point where he drinks whether from a cup or a bottle, a bit more milk?

It might also be that you don’t need to feed as much, but it’s what he looks to for comfort. If he’s an efficient feeder and he has breakfast he doesn’t need three feeds on top of that before 8 am. I would look to distract rather than feed at that point.

And yes it might be easier with an older child (or not) but it’s not a tit for tat. Your husband seems to share parenting equally. So if he can go away, then when breastfeeding is over you can book a trip for yourself too, or even a weekend away.

Or I guess the alternative is you speak to him and say I am really struggling, please don’t go.

Psych yourself by planning your six days away…

The child care you have, is it a nanny or does your baby go to a nursery? Could you ask the nanny/a nursery worker to come baby sit a couple of evenings so you aren’t having to do every evening in your own? I know you’ll need to be around to breast feed but they could do bath time/pjs/entertain baby while you have a short break and walk round the block? I mean it won’t cover everything you need, but does take the pressure of everything evening being fully on you

good luck.

I hear you OP - I have no idea why your partner thinks this is OK..

I suspect difficult at short notice - but can you get a nanny for the time that he is away, who could help you in the evening and the morning and then be off during the day? Does such a think exist where you live?

Of course it’s easier when they’re older (I have older children). It’s easier to have my 2 year old than when she was 9 months old. And it’s even easier to have my 5 year old. It’s easier to have both of them than one non-sleeping 9 month old tbh.

A week away for a hobby would irritate me for a number of reasons. Annual leave being one - will OP end up taking more of her annual leave last minute when DC is ill because her husband has used more of his up on this?

I’d be a bit embarrassed to ask my DH to cancel this. He sounds like he does his fair share when he’s there. We all have tricky days with babies/kids but I’m sure you’ll cope. Get some easy meals in, forget the cleaning. And take a day or two of leave as others have suggested.

You sound frustrated with suggested solutions. I get you want to be heard and acknowledged that yes, this is less than ideal and yes, your husband should not be putting this on to you to stop him going. But strangers on the Internet telling you this isn't going to resolve your concerns.

You need to sit down with your husband and explain how you feel including that you feel on your own in deciding how this pans out as opposed to you jointly deciding how this can be managed.

Fun is always at the other’s expense if that’s how you view it. One of you will have to have the child for the other one to do something without the child for the next 15 years. That’s just life.

What exactly do you want from this thread?

You’re being incredibly rude to people.

I get the impression you want people to say “Your husband shouldn’t go” so you can show him the thread and thus he cancels the trip.

Unfortunately, you’re just going to have to cope. Many single parents work full time and then have to parent their babies and toddlers at night, alone, every night!

@Pippa12 yeah pretty much exactly.

I haven’t read all of your updates, but I totally understand where you are coming from. It’s so, so hard in the early stages.

unfortunately, I think you might have to let him go and tell him you’re struggling and please can he not go on any more trips for a while.

I do remember having a breakdown when my partner went away for even 2 days when my first was little. So f*cking hard.

You’ve probably already covered this in your responses, but do you have anyone who can help while he’s gone?

When does OP get to have fun? You have no idea whether OP's DH only agreed to have a baby because OP wanted one. If the birth rate is plummeting, it's more likely because women don't want to have kids with useless, selfish men.

Does he need to go for the full time? Could he cut the trip short.
I agree the 6 days is too long a time to be away for fun at this stage, when it's not necessary and it's fair enough that neither of you anticipated this when the trip was booked.
My husband went on a golf trip when my little one was 6 months old, I was still on mat leave so it was very different to you. He decided to go himself a day early to play a different course on his own making his trip 5/6 days. I was absolutely fuming - but it was only when he got back and reflected on what he did that he saw how unreasonable he was!
If he can't cut the trip short then I think it needs to be his decision to cancel, otherwise try and make the 6 days as "easy" as possible for yourself and not you're able to have a day off in the middle when using childcare then do that too - take some of the pressure off and boost your reserves!

When anyone goes away alone as a parent at whatever age, it inconveniences the other parent and is at their ‘expense.’ Whether for work or fun. To me a birthday or a wedding would irritate me more than someone going for their hobby. We also need to re-fill our cups.
And you can discuss with him how you can carve out some time for yourself when he’s back even if it’s just to get some uninterrupted weekend sleep.

That’s what I was going to say. I get where you’re coming from. This is not a trip he has to do, this is one he is choosing. He is choosing to go away and have 6 days of lovely, lovely peace and quiet and no responsibilities.

You have said he’s not stupid, he knows this is a really hard time and yet he’s choosing not to support you during this tricky time. I think that’s really unkind / selfish.

You can’t win though - he can always say “but you didn’t tell me” it’s all your fault one way or another and that’s not fair.