DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

At this age, I don’t mean co sleeping in the newborn way, I mean simply sharing a bed.

I put a barrier up on one side and stripped the bed of any duvets, etc, and I had baby in his sleeping bag one side of the bed and I was on the other end. With a blanket covering me only. I slept normally, but being in bed with me seems to have transformed sleep, for both of mine.

As they get older, co sleeping is less about lying on your side in a certain way but more about sharing a bed.

@WhatsTheStorey it takes 2 flights, including an overnight flight to get there...he's only at the event for 3 days!

I was back at work at 9mo and BF still, however I did a feed at 4pm, 7pm, night feed, and one morning one. Yours seems a lot more than that.

Whether you ask or insist he cancels is part of a much bigger question. Ideally he goes, you manage, he shows suitable gratitude and does not take this for granted. My view is that a good marriage it's worth "investing in" by doing it, but if you feel he's just dumping on you or genuinely feel it's beyond you then that is a different situation.

Yes this. Co sleeping isn't newborn cosleeping. It's literally being in the same bed.

What help is your husband if your baby is attached to your boob all evening and night?

It sounds like you just want scores of people to call him a dick and say you're not being unreasonable, you're not listening to anything anyone says so I'm not sure why you posted.

@CoffeeFluff do you give calpol sounds pretty condescending, not a genuine offer of help.

He probably won’t be. Teething comes and goes and rarely lasts solidly for more than a week. I think he will be fine by then and nurofen after last feed and calpol when you go to bed will leave baby pain free.

Lots of posts telling OP she’s parenting wrong and if she was parenting better she’d be able and willing to facilitate this 6 days of travel/fun for her H.

Baby clearly isn’t sleep trained if they are waking 2-6 times in the night.

@SummerIce he helps with bedtime and bathtime. He does all the settling before 2am if baby wakes then. He changes his nappy and outfit in the morning. He shares the cooking and cleaning.

Are you expecting them to come and give it for you? Would that be a genuine offer of help?

My husband wouldn't even contemplate that length of trip for a hobby now when the youngest of three is 2. It's just too hard and stressful. We both can stretch to a long weekend for eachother but that's the maximum. Work can be different a needs must but still sucks. Not everyone will understand this as their situation and children will be different. Some of us have to live differently just to survive.

I think he should be taking the lead with this decision and wanting to support you if you are saying you will struggle. Clearly you can manage we all do when we have to but why should you have to. Especially when it's for a hobby trip. Surely he can pick it up in the future or just have to miss out. Unfortunately that is life.

Is he going to take days to recover from the trip when he gets back too?

I think I'd suck it up to be honest, but I wouldn't do any housework just do work and look after baby in the evening. I'd make it clear it's his job to sort the house out when he gets home and no taking off to bed for 2 days to recover.

@kindnessforthewin he's had 5 teeth in 5 weeks. According to every teething chart, tooth no.6 follows in quick succession after tooth no.5 and then we should get a reprieve.

I didn't ask for advice on how to handle teething

But tbh OP, at 9 months old, two of you are not needed for bedtime or bath time.

I can see that you’ll now have to do all wake ups but it’s just 6 nights and you should seriously consider co sleeping.

Screw the cleaning and just get takeaways / crap microwave meals. You do whatever you do to make the week easier for you.

My choice would to let him go.
And remind husband of it later and go myself.

What’s your point, @BallerinaRadio ? Who is ‘them’?

Coffee’s post was condescending.

You’d be surprised at how many people who don’t tbh!

@ChunkyFTMMum - I wonder if you’re feeling well in yourself? You seem a bit on hedge (apologies if it’s the case but that’s how you come across). I get that it’s a really hard stage for sure and when you are exhausted 6 days is a life time. Could you discuss with him and maybe make a plan for you to have some downtime when he returns? Maybe that would make it more bearable and have something to look forward to?

edited to add: I wonder also if your baby is hungry? I only say that because none of mine (3) were still feeding during the night at 9 months but maybe I was just lucky.

No one can offer you genuine help though can they? No one can magically make your husband say off his own back i won't go which is what you want. Why didn't you discuss this with him sooner than a week before he goes if its been booked for a year?

That breastfeeding schedule sounds horrendous and isn't working is it? If the husband was home, there's a limit to what he can do. Your child should be sleeping through the night by now and eating solids to fill him up. I get the baby is teething and that makes it hard but use pain relief and just get on with it. It's unreasonable to expect him to cancel now.

I agree in general though that it's too much on you. Working and doing most of the baby stuff. You need to talk to him about it after his trip.

Can you take a couple of days off work when he is away but still use childcare?