DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

If DH goes, I assume he will be batch cooking beforehand and sorting out all laundry, cleaning etc

@OhHellolittleone baby is sleep trained but has been teething for the last 5 weeks. He is likely going to get tooth no.6 soon, around DH's trip.

When he's not teething or sick, he sleeps 7-7 with one breatsfeed at 4am.

We have no one, we live abroad.

Why doesn't it work? To me it seems the obvious answer to your sleep issues. He only sleeps with you there, so be permanently there.

I don't think you're stupid. I think you're tired and can't see a way out.

Is some of the BF comfort sucking? I'd try to differentiate between the two and limit the feeds. At 9mo that amount of feeding is a lot.

Do you follow a routine? I see this a lot with parents who like to go with the flow and breastfeed and keep baby in their room as long as possible. Everyone is free to parent how they wish but it puts so much stress on you, baby and partner.

I have two DCs (6 months and 2.5) and from 4 months they’ve been on a set routine, combi fed, in their own rooms and I gave space to self settle. Dummy fine for day but remove as a sleep prop. No one is over tired at 6pm. They’re in the bath playing and starting bedtime routine.

A 9 month old does not need feeding over night, they’re doing it out of habit.

you can fix all this in a week, easily. Google a routine for 9 month old, two naps in the day, lots of food and milk in the day, with plenty food in day and less sleep then will soon work out nights for sleeping (it’s not cruel it’s breaking the association).

Also give nurofen after last feed before bed when has full tummy and then dream feed calpol as you go to bed. Guaranteed 6 hours without pain.

@Parky04 he's allowed fun but does it have to be at my expense? He has a young teething baby and will fly to another continent for a conference relating to his hobby.

If the baby just wants you, will your husband even be of any use? He'll just be under your feet.

At least if he's away you get the TV and house to yourself.

So you're worrying about a tooth that hasn't happened....

Easy to say but try not to think about things that haven't happened. Focus on 7-7 sleep with one wake up which is pretty good at that age!

Great for you but every child is different. We need to stop this mindset that a difficult baby is because of parents making a rod for their own back rather than having a difficult baby.

I wouldn’t be happy about this. 6 days for fun takes the piss in my view. Ofcourse you’ll cope, and you’ve had lots of tips here about how to make it easier for yourself. But that’s not really the point. I’d tell him you’re not going to tell him he can’t go, but that he should look at the situation and make the right decision for you based on the premise that he’s a thoughtful, supportive partner and not a selfish individual.

How supportive / understanding is he normally? Is this a pattern?

Apart from giving calpol, what else have you tried to ease the teething discomfort?

A 9 month old doesn’t need milk through the night, especially if they’ve got teeth. Get them to bed before they’re overtired and claw some time back for yourself.

stopping DH from going feels like a huge over reaction. It could be something else next time he wants to go away.

@Hercisback1 I have a bad back and a bad hip from car accident and I can’t sleep on a firm mattress on my side all night. I'd have to take some serious painkillers to manage that.

He breastfeeds so much because he's not drinking much milk in the day when I'm at work. It's very common, pretty much every single breastfeeding mother in my office has the same experience.

Can you ask a good friend to stay ?
Dummy?

You'll be fine. It's far too late to cancel now.

You should have planned it better really. Give a bottle in the evenings and you won't be glued to them.

OP said baby is tired at 6pm - hence I ask about a routine. Wake windows and set naps means a baby isn’t over tired or under tired, if they self settle too, then you won’t have the above issues

You (and he) should have thought about this when he booked the ticket and you were already pregnant. Bit late now

Practical tips

• book a day or two of annual leave if you can spare it. It's there for when you need it, as well as when you want it.
• DH and I used to go to the supermarket the day before he left and stock the fridge with ready meals, easy bits and treats to get get me through.
• look into your local leisure centres - sometimes they have a crèche where you can leave the baby for an hour. Even if you just drink coffee in that hour...
• plan one little thing for every day to get you out of the house.

OP you need the Ferber sleep training book.
Things become much easier when a baby sleeps through the night.

YANBU to ask him not to go.

6 days for a hobby trip is a long time given your current situation as a couple, especially since his current job includes business travel, which you’re facilitating. It should have been foreseeable. He was inconsiderate to book it.

@nahthatsnotforme why? The trip doesn't involve anyone else. Yes, he'll lose money but that's spent anyway. It was booked a year ago. Plans change.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne We have. He sleeps well when not teething. But he IS teething and he will still be teething in a week's time when DH goes.

You're clearly not happy and not wanting suggestions, but if you're able I'd take a day's annual leave during the week while baby is in childcare. Nap, enjoy the silence, prep for the next couple of days.

If your cosleeping worries are around safety I don't think any of them are relevant with a mobile baby at 9 months, though still take precautions of course. You may have other reasons however.

It's too late to cancel and you will cope, bank the brownie points and ensure he helps with the prep so it's as smooth as possible for you.

I completely understand OP. It sounds really hard work at home for you right now, and solo parenting for a week will make it even tougher. There are many years to come when week long hobby trips can occur, when you’re not running on empty due to poor sleep. As a compromise, Does it have to be 6 days, could he half the time he’s away?

@Gymly I'm not a stay at home wife. I don't need ideas about creches and cafes. I have childcare 45 hours a week. I need help in the evenings and at night, after I myself have also been working all day.

Could you get someone to stay with you to help a bit?

You’re coming across very rude and bitter. Why ask for help if you take a snidey attitude with those offering help. “Yes I give Calpol, I’m not stupid.” What a response to somebody who seemed to be wanting to offer genuine help.