DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

The OP a doesn’t want to hear any helpful suggestions , she wants everyone to say that her husband should cancel his trip . If you want him to cancel because you can’t cope then just tell him to cancel .

Quoted wrong person

I can totally understand where you are coming from. Are you hoping that he will make the decision and cancel the trip rather than you telling him to?

If the cleaning doesn’t get done for a few days, it’s not the end of the world. Just a quick hoover round and wipe the surfaces.
meal prep beforehand so all you have to do is warm it up.
when is the trip?
you sound very angry that he’s going. Assuming you agreed when he purchased the ticket, I think you need to just suck it up.

She works full time, so that could be the “one little thing” that gets her out of the house each day

That’s 100% what’s happening. That’s why Ops getting snidey with anyone trying to suggest options/ideas.

Can you book a day off work while he’s gone? Put your LO into childcare and take some time for yourself. Use that day to plan a proper break when your OH is back from
his trip. I can see why you’re fed up, six days is a lot when you have a baby that sleeps so poorly. Have you much support/ someone that could stay with you for a night or two?

I agree with this.

Dear Husband, I know your hobby is important to you and I want you to have fun. I can manage. Just promise me that when bb is a bit older I can have time away with girlfriends too. Thanks, enjoy!

Op, you come across as resenting your husband for going and wanting everyone here to agree that he should cancel.
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It’s up to the two of you to sort out frankly. Personally I’d have managed, but every baby and family is different so you and your dh must do what’s best for you

@Ph3 absolutely, neither of us is well in ourselves. I'm working 50 hours a week while breastfeeding, with a teething baby, and I've already handled a combined month of his work trips this year. I've had mastitis twice since I've gone back to work.

That's the thing, he's not an idiot, he can tell it's a really hard time and he's choosing to go away for a week.

You sound tired and resentful. I got into the same position. Do you get any time for yourself? I can't switch off mum mode unless I'm in the bath or out of the house. I ensure I get one long bath and 1h at a coffee shop every week. That's only 2h but it makes the world of difference to my sanity.

I know that doesn't help your immediate situation but I think it would help generally for future trips if you're in a better place mentally to start with.

I think the person you quoted realised that as they were suggesting that you could take some annual leave. That might help with the tiredness.

No, he shouldn’t cancel. You should then take 6 days to yourself, whilst he takes over (not necessarily consecutively).

You sound really bitter and almost nasty towards your husband’s time away from the baby and the responses here. It’s really normal to feel massively overwhelmed and knackered and to find motherhood much more demanding than expected. You’ve asked for advice and advice has been given but nothing is going to magically improve this situation. You need to ask DH to cancel and suffer repercussions in your relationship and be the bad guy because if it’s just you and the baby for six days you need to be functional which it sounds like you won’t be if you carry on like this without help.

Your marriage will probably survive a cancelled trip. It may not survive if you are coping alone and feeling so massively resentful of your husband going away for work and for play so often.

@MrsSkylerWhite but he cannot take over. He cannot breastfeed. I don't need 6 days to myself, I need a little bit of help daily to get through the day.

I'd ask him to cancel. It isn't for work so you don't 'have' to manage.

I'd consider it for a weekend but 6 days? Honestly, I wouldn't have been thrilled with it anyway, never mind working FT with a teething, non-sleeping baby.

I’m so confused about why you even posted? Loads of people offering suggestions, advice you keep responding to literally everything with a bitchy little retort? People are just trying to help you jeez. Why ask for advice if you can’t handle it?

He’s being very selfish. One night is fine, but this is ridiculous especially as it’s just for a hobby. He is a dad now and has responsibilities.

I’m sure he’s not an idiot - but he might be prioritising himself or might not fully understand the impact that you are feeling. People think and feel differently - be open and non confrontational and talk to him about your needs and what you would like to happen. See how it goes. It’s the only option you have at this point imo.

I think you need to have a further discussion with him and tell him how you feel and make it clear to him that you are leaving the ball in his court if he decides to go on the trip or cancel it altogether

@CosmicCuppa I am being nasty, yes. I just can't understand why he thinks going away for 6 days right now is OK.

Work trips, fine. Stag do, fine. A wedding, birthday, actual event, whatever. Fine.

A hobby conference? WTF is he thinking.

I don’t understand some of the responses on here. Yes, you can manage, and you do when it’s for work. I would absolutely ask him not to go. There’s no reason you have to absolutely exhaust yourself so he can have fun, it’s out of balance!!

Were you work not willing to accommodate you going back on reduced/part time hours, or do you need to work FT for financial reasons?

Can you hire someone to help in those 6 days?

Also, you sound exhausted. Can you ease the load every day?

Can you or your DH reduce the working hours? 45 hours childcare is a lot for a 9 month old.

But you won’t ask him to cancel. He’s already offered to cancel and you know it’ll have some kick back but you need him to cancel.

Coming on here whinging about how you need advice, brushing off the advice and still not asking him to cancel is just a bit weird. Just ask him to cancel. What’s the worst he can do? Go anyway? That’s the original plan.