DH going away, 9 month old baby

[ChunkyFTMMum]

DH is planning on going to an event relating to his hobby. He'll be away for 6 days, requires an overnight flight. It's not for work or a stag go, no other good mate is going (although he'll know people there). He bought the tickets a year ago, when I was pregnant and had no idea how hard this stage would be.

Background:

• Baby is 9 months, wakes between 1-6 times a night (1 is rare, usually 2-3, 6 if he's teething).
• I work full time (I had to go back at 6 months).
• exclusively breastfeeding. I pump at work but baby is glued to me all evening and morning when I'm home
• baby is often extremely overtired in the evenings. I don't know if it's separation anxiety, or he doesn't sleep properly without me around, but he's often a nightmare from 6pm.

He's already been away for work a few times..so I am perfectly able to cope. But it's really really hard work, especially now I'm working full time. It just feels off. He said he'll cancel if I ask him to but then I'm the bad guy and I know he won't like it.

Yes, I can bank this to go away on my own at some point. And I will. But a long weekend with an older child who sleeps through the night and is not as intense is very very different.

It's a fucking hard stage. AIBU to think he should cancel? Wtf do I do? How do I approach this?

@CalleOcho I didn't post for advice on teething, cosleeping or breastfeeding. This is our situation, it's not going to change. I am asking advice on how to handle a conversation around this trip and if I'm unreasonable to ask him to cancel.

You have 45 hours of childcare and still need help?

Ferber sleep training is entirely discredited.

The first bullet point suggests annual leave, they clearly know you’re not a SAHM. If you book AL you won’t have been working all day, and won’t need help in the evening.

i agree with the previous poster who said you’re coming across quite rude.

I think you just want to have a rant about your husband, especially since you have said that you won’t ask him not to go, which is fine.

I wouldn’t expect him to cancel, seen as he booked it when you were already pregnant. Would have been a different story if it was booked before you knew you’d have a baby.

None of us know your husband better than you do.

Go and talk to him. Tell him exactly what you’ve said on this thread. Just go and talk. Now.

I expressed. Problem solved.

If you can’t cope, you need to communicate with your husband, not strangers on the internet. You’ve been given lots of advice from people who have been there, done that, often with multiple babies/ young children. If you can’t cope though, you need to tell your husband before he goes, or you will end up resenting him.

No, I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask him to cancel.
Better ask him now, a week in advance, than the night before!
I don't think being knackered and fed up is an excuse for all your snarky responses.

OP isn't a single parent though so it's irrelevant.

But by people offering suggestions, it would make the situation more bearable, no??

‘I want him to want to cancel’.

The man’s in for a lifetime of passive aggression.

I think you're both still individuals after having a baby, not just parents and nothing more. So in that sense, you're both entitled to do your own social things/hobbies and have time alone. If he's a supportive partner and present father usually, then I wouldn't stop him. It's a hard stage alright but most ages come with a hard stage in my experience. I would also plan something for yourself in the coming months too so that you can have some time to yourself.
I might think differently if he doesn't do his fair share of childcare and household duties and isn't a supportive partner.

Have you asked him why he can’t see you are on your knees with exhaustion and need his help daily?

I think he probably can but just doesn’t want to cancel his fun trip.

Hence my first suggestion, which multiple other people have also made, to take some A/L. Reduce the clearly overwhelming problem to a more manageable one.

Clearly you think my suggestions are all crap and that is up to you, but FWIW it has come from a place of juggling baby and SEN toddler, work, and husband working away for a week at a time. As have many PPs who have also made suggestions.

YABU and you know it. Which is why you’re getting defensive and shitty at people.

Ask yourself really seriously- can I cope without building up huge resentment? If you can't, then be direct and tell him that, and ask him to cancel.

If you can cope, even if it's very difficult, then say so, let him enjoy his time, and plan your own trip when little one is older and not so dependent on you.

Don't expect him to mind read or pass a test he doesn't know is being set. No good will come of it.

wow welcome to 'feminist' mumsnet the site for mums to support mums???:

what on earth has the fact that 'some' single mums do this all the time got to do with this OP? Or the fact that she can 'bank' the time - which is of no relevance to her in this particularly difficult period.

This is an exhausted working mum with a baby who is at a tiring age - she would rather her husband didn't indulge himself with a full and totally unncessary week off - she came here for support and absolutely bizarrely is being told just to get on with it .

Op - if your husband cares about you then yes he should reconsider - it's absolutely reasonable. Being a parent changes what you can and can't do - all women know that!

I’m sorry for all the people trying to suggest solutions that won’t work for you. I’d ask him to cancel, you really need him. OR hire a night nanny to help you whilst he’s away (this is what I did so my DP could go skiing when my baby was 6 months & also had an almost 3 year old). I totally understand the BFing issue 💐

OP is working during that time? The childcare is also because DH is working too.

totally irrelevant if people cope with working husbands - he isn't working.

Yes she does. She works in a country with hardly any maternity leave and obviously has a very full-on job. The childcare is for while she is working, not so that she can put her feet up and have a break.

It’s not irrelevant.

If single women can cope alone, then the OP can too.

If she feels she won’t be able to cope then she needs to communicate that to her husband immediately. Not anonymous strangers on the internet.

Hey OP,

Ignore all the advice on how to raise your child if you want - I once asked for skincare advice and got attacked because I was still breastfeeding over a year.

I say this with kindness, but I think you need to let the resentment go if things are otherwise good in your relationship. My DH is away often for months due to work, for a while I was resentful because although it’s work there is a lot of downtime and fun too which you don’t get when you’re working and raising a small child. But holding in to the anger doesn’t help you. You need to figure out what will help you. A day to yourself when he’s back? A night off where he does all the comforting? Think about what will support you and look forward to it. If you think it’s too much, ask him not to go away again so soon unless it’s an absolute must. But I would let this one go and try and let your feelings go too.

It’s hard, so hard, I’ve been there many times. I found once I let it all go I was grand and I’ve happily waved my DH off for fun trips and I haven’t yet been on one myself and I don’t crave it. Instead I work out slices of time that I get to indulge in because that works for me. You need to find out what works for you and discuss with him how to incorporate that. You’re tired, overwhelmed and you need something to look forward to that is for you. X

Often the prospect is more scary than the reality. You will be fine, good luck

Ditch the breastfeeding … I’ve no idea why women run themselves into the ground like this and make life harder.