Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Couldn’t you get a ring doorbell?

It's quite a big ask - 30 minutes round trip twice a day for something non-essential. I'm not sure I'd be too keen, to be honest.

Is he always this miserable and unhelpful?

Also put a lamp on a timer

He's being a twat, but just tell your parents no problem, it's sorted. There's no harm in their curtains staying closed, for example, until you or the neighbour can get there.

Personally every day feels like overkill
They should get a lamp on a timer and check the post is collected which the neighbour can do
however it’s a 30 min round trip each way twice a day - maybe your DH feels it’s a bit unecessary?

I'd say it's a bit excessive to have to do both morning and evening. Surely if the neighbours are there then they would notice any unusual comings and goings?

Do they not have any security, ring doorbell etc?
Once a day is fine if that in my opinion.

If they wanted someone to be a house sitter then they should pay a professional to do it really.

I'd just accept either one of you just trying to pop in as often as you can.

I mean - it’s overkill but that’s not really the point is it - it’s doing something that helps your parents manager their anxiety and have a nice break. I’d be upset that he wouldn’t do it.

Your husband is unpleasant and very selfish it seems, but to be honest the curtain caper deters no-one. If someone is looking for a house to break into, chances are they will be watching and will realise that no-one is actually at home.

As to what happens when your parents are elderly, that is up to him. But let’s just hope he doesn’t need help himself with that attitude.

Imagine what we would say if it was the wife refusing to do this we would be saying of course it's an unreasonable ask and I will say the same here.
5 or 6 slots is 3 hours plus.

Your parents are being unreasonable to expect that. You're not there, it'll just have to stay undone.

Pulling the curtains and checking the house morning and evening every day for 2 weeks is a massive ask, even of the neighbour.

I'm not sure I'd want to be encouraging that to be honest.

They need a timer for the lights and probably a Ring doorbell.

Being anxious about leaving your home, isn't really a good enough reason to put that upon people.

It's not for others to manage this level of anxiety.

First and foremost the OP's mum should be trying to manage it herself.

I never asked my DH to do anything for my parents when they were alive, and he never asked me to do anything for his mum when she was alive.
As a parent, I’ve not had children with the expectation that they will look after me when I’m old. Making your DH feel guilty over what he was prepared to do for his own DH is pretty shitty IMO. The fact that you chose to step up and do stuff was entirely your choice.
Wondering what will happen when your parents get elderly is a bit odd - are you expecting to do things to help them? He married you, not your parents!

They're unreasonable to expect that. If they're that anxious, they need a ring doorbell or something. I wouldn't want to do a 30 minutes roundtrip for that, either.

I wouldn't be keen onto feeding into your parent's paranoia either. If they are that worried they can either get a burglar alarm, ring camera or put a lamp on a timer switch.

It’s not unpleasant nor selfish to not want to give up an hour a day on a totally unnecessary task for someone else. It’s unpleasant and selfish to expect someone to do this however.

Checking on a house twice a day is massively overkill. Buy them a security camera instead.

And timers for the lights.

Where the OP's DH has gone wrong is saying no. I'd have said yes and then just not done it!

Sorry I don’t think I’d be doing all that driving around for something that seems a bit silly. Once or twice maybe. Burglers aren’t sitting around waiting to see who has the curtains open or closed. The neighbour can do those slots and get some timers for the lights. If a day or two is missed, no big deal. Then you cover the ones when you’re back.

I wouldn’t do it and it’s fair enough for your husband to refuse. You’re not assuaging their anxiety if you comply to their request - you’re condoning it as a reasonable precaution.

If burglars are watching this empty house, wont closing the curtains make their job easier?

It's not his job to manage their anxieties.

it's a complete waste of his time @AnnieG1986

All they need to do is draw the downstairs curtains and get a plug-in timer for a lamp.

A word to the neighbours to keep an eye out and your contact details.

I understand that you may not see it as a big ask but it is totally unnecessary

The old curtain trick is a waste of time. I had an elderly parent who asked me to do all sorts just because.. I offered another solution I.e a light coming on a timer etc with no real discussion and after a few arguments and on one occasion some tears it all worked out fine.

OK thanks everyone - sounds like perhaps I have been a bit quick to judge my DH. I don't however think I've been unpleasant or selfish, just trying to manage a tricky situation as best I could. My parents are very nervous about this sort of thing - they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check. They have timer lights and they leave the radio on 24/7. Points taken.