Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

I would also be upset if my partner tried to leverage help given while my parent was dying to try and get me to do, quite frankly, ridiculous, favours too.

I wouldn’t be impressed about being able to take our an hour at a time to do this round trip to deter burglars rather than using the device specifically designed for this task.

This is mumsnet so lots of people will say they do nothing for the family but I think the not helping is awful.

I agree. Support for a dying parent is not the same as giving in to massively unreasonable demands from people who have a burglar alarm. Why do they have it if they don’t want to set it? Is their insurance dependent on it being set if they’re away?

I’d not be doing this. Your parents need to work on their anxiety.

That's an hours travel every day just to open curtains. I'd do it if I were next door but otherwise it's a bit unreasonable to ask of someone.

Going out of your way every day when you aren't already out ie the gym or school run or work is a lot to ask

It's cruel to throw his dead father back at him and you were also unreasonable to pressure him at the time

Your parents have an alarm and they need to use it! That's why it's there

^ Exactly this.

It doesn't really matter whether its over-kill, its about your DP showing that he's willing to part of a family network that supports each other. Sometimes that support might not make sense to everyone but, as long as its not an absolutely ridiculous time drain, you do it regardless because you're a family.

Agree. It should have been in the OP.

Nonsense. Support doesn't mean its compulsory to do every daft thing you're ever asked to.

Yes, that's also really unreasonable!

Your parents are being very unreasonable not using the burglar alarm. I’m not sure of the point of having one if it’s not used when they’re away??? House should be secure with alarm on, neighbours checking post, light left on timer. I’d be frustrated about having to do that trip twice a day for my own parents.

Support should be given when support is needed. OP's mum is being silly and it's an unreasonable and unnecessary ask

This.

Their anxiety has created a totally unreasonable request.

Have them install a ring doorbell.

What a load of rubbish.

I wouldn’t do it either because it’s sounds unnecessary and like they aren’t being considerate enough about OPT ( other people’s time).

I would pop round every couple of days to be able to report back that everything’s fine. But twice a day when I’m not a neighbour ? No.

Well, sorry, but that’s bullshit.

If they want 2x house sitting daily, they should hire someone to do it. Not expect umpteen different relatives and neighbours to revolve their lives around an empty house.

It's not supportive to enable their anxiety

Especially when they have an established precaution in place that they refuse to use

What utter claptrap.

That’s hardly a minor task, and it’s also unnecessary. Totally incomparable to helping and supporting a dying parent or those caring for them.

I’d happily spend an hour a day for a week helping my in-laws with shopping, caring for their pet, taking them to hospital, fixing a tap for them, chasing up prescriptions… but not just fussing with curtains and “checking” their house. Checking for what?! They need to take sensible precautions (setting the alarm, maybe a neighbour moving post from the door) and otherwise accept that burglary is always a small risk and you just have to get on with things.

Your parents are utterly unreasonable
i bet this isn’t the only thing they do which then places burdens on everyone else

they shouldn't leave the radio on 24/7 the poor neighbours

Their insurance will be invalid if they don’t set the alarm when out of the house and they get burgled.