Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Then presumably you would not be asking them to look after your cat when away or accept any of their support or extreme generosity either.

Nope. The parents already own a machine (burglar alarm) that is far, far more effective than fiddling about with curtains. It’s crazy to expect this time-consuming favour when they already have a better solution available.

I’m with your DH. It’s overkill and unnecessary especially as they have an alarm but don’t want to use it!!!

i don’t think you have been unreasonable in your expectations. Your DH needs to step up and return some of the good will he received. It is not a big ask to do this, it is reassuring to your mum and some posters on here are unbelievable to say popping round to check on the house is too much. He isn’t being asked to do it every day for the rest of his life, just a few days while OP is away. It’s not exactly difficult.

His attitude isn’t great, but that’s massive overkill and a 30 minute by bike round trip perhaps twice in a day is a pain for something completely unnecessary.

You left out the most important bit " for something completely unnecessary". Maybe you have nothing better to do. It's ok for him to value his time.

OP, can you just lie to your mum? If they have no ring doorbell and the neighbour isn't around for those 5-6 slots, then who would even know that he didn't do it. He doesn't have to waste his time on this absolute crap and your mum's anxiety might be less.

Sounds like almost everyone on this thread is happy to take support, favours, cat sitting and extreme generosity from their parents but wouldn’t do this slightly irritating but totally doable favour back.

who cares if you think it’s reasonable or not. If this is the one thing these people rarely ever ask for why on earth are people being frankly so horrible. Take take take. That’s what I hear.

It is overkill when the parents have a burglar alarm and are choosing not to use it.

Looking after a cat would make sense to ask for. Asking the DH to spend an hour a day to go and faff with curtains does not.

There’s a difference between helping someone whose parents are dying and appeasing someone’s irritational anxieties.

I agree. In fact it’s utterly ridiculous.

OP’s mother should have organised herself better and arranged for a house sitter.

Sometimes you do things for other people because it's important to them, even when it's not to you.

I thought this.

Good grief, so many judgemental people on here today. He took favours, accepted support now he’s whining about having to do something in return.

I don’t think that OP has covered herself in glory by comparing this pointless task to caring for a dying parent. They’re chalk and cheese.

I agree, some things you do. Opening and closing curtains every single day for a fortnight is not one of those things!

I'd tell a fib and say "of course Mum, don't worry, have a nice holiday". How will they ever know? All they want is reassurance.

Anyway it's not going to stop a burglar if they want to. I can see it now, the thief waits for bicycle man to enter property, close or open the curtains, come out, lock door and cycle away home. Bam! Now's my chance, and the house is done over.

Burglars are opportunists as we all know. Nothing will stop them from taking that opportunity which is not going to be stopped if the curtains are closed or open.

Sometimes, sure. But not every time, no matter what it is.

This is ridiculous. I can't believe that some people on here are saying that your dp is being mean.

It would be kind of him to pop round couple of times over the duration of the holiday, to set their minds at rest - but they and you absolutely shouldn't be expecting twice daily visits.

It's bad enough that your DM has asked the neighbour. It is an unreasonable demand and your DH would be enabling her anxiety. I'm with your DH on this. Regardless of how supportive your DPs have been. It is an unnecessary and unreasonable request.

Why doesn’t he or you do something nice for them for all the help you both have had instead? The day before they come back for their holiday he or you both could do some basic shopping for them like milk and bread etc. A bottle of sparkling wine if they drink. Some fresh flowers. Cook a meal or two for them that they can just heat up. Open some windows to let fresh air in.

Now that would be a thoughtful and very nice surprise.

I’d be annoyed at this request because it is so completely unnecessary. Asking him to go move the curtains is not a good use of his time.

if they are really worried, they should install automated curtains that they can put on a timer. I have automated window shades. They are fantastic. Think that scene in The Holiday where Kate Winslet uses the remote control to open up the windows in the morning.

To be fair, it rather sounds as if the support was thrust upon him because the OP didn’t think he was supporting his family the way she would have done. The only people who can reasonably comment on how he supported his mother and brother after his father’s death are them. I’m sure they were supporting each other appropriately, as they, with the greatest respect, know each other better than the OP knows any of them.

That's what my brother does for me bless him. Apart from the flowers and fizz that is! lol.

It's great to arrive back to a nice cup of tea with fresh milk, toast and butter. Yum.