Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Agree with @Sortoutthehouse

There's another current thread on how cold and reserved British people are as compared to others (specifically Italians in the case of the OP).

Hundreds of posters are foaming at the mouth at the very suggestion. How bleddy dare she even think that!

The OP is not wrong.

This - and the neighbour should simply pop in to pick up any post/parcels and place them somewhere that’s not visible from outside.

We’ve had lots of burglaries in my road recently - they are usually early evening, often someone is in/working from home. Opening and closing curtains will make bugger all difference. Even now the entire road has ring/security alarms and cameras, it still doesn’t seem to stop the break ins.

Absolutely ridiculous - they have an alarm but won't use it 🙄

Wouldn'ttheir house insurance be invalid in the case of a break in if they chose not to turn in the alarm?

My total commute to work every day is over 2 hours.

This guy can't be bothered to get his ass out of bed 30-40 minutes earlier, for 2 weeks only.

I did think your DH was being unreasonable but actually, given they have an alarm, which they refuse to use, I think it’s your parents that are ridiculous.

Where are so many getting the idea that this poor diddums would be out of the house for an hour every day putting himself out for the OP's parents?

The OP clearly states that the neighbours will be sharing the task.

A little reading goes a long way, folks.

As someone who has a long track record of random anxiety, I’d have thought the idea of other people coming in and out the house probably introduces a greater risk of the house not being properly secure and someone breaking in.

Crikey, some of the people on here 😳

People get anxious when they are older. Anything their loved ones/family - and OPs DH is definitely covered by this definition - can do to alleviate this is something they should do gladly.

Someone up thread said it was too much of an ask because the place is 15 mins away - um only 15 mins away.

YANBU

I assume between you and your neighbour, it would only be a couple of times that he needs do this anyway.

Your parents are being overly anxious but I would do whatever I could do to help them feel less worried and enable them enjoy their well deserved holiday.

I just hope you didn’t mention his dads illness in the conversation with him, as it’s by no way comparable and I’d be insulted if you brought this up.

I wouldn’t even do this for my own parents because that’s massive overkill.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of him to say doing this twice a day, every day is unreasonable, perhaps he night have offered to go over a couple of times jus5 to keep an eye on the place? Whilst I don’t think he needed to comply with your request, his general attitude towards helping your folks seems unreasonable. I can see why you would find it hurtful. I’m incredulous at the amount of posters saying they don’t help their own parents or each other’s in-laws. Everyone I know just pitches in with each other’s families to help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You chose that commute, no one is making you do it. Plus you are earning a living from it. Meanwhile, OP’s husband hasn’t chosen to do it and is doing it for random non-essential tasks

Yeah, so 15 min away x 4. One hour a day. Cycling. So you meant to say only one hour a day.

And it’s not as if cycling on roads with commuters in mornings / evenings is a low risk activity is it…

Can you elaborate about how you "clashed" while his Dad was dying because you didn't think he was "offering enough support to his mum and brother"?

I also don't think you can compare the relatively recent death of his father to your parents apparently needing the curtains opened/closed twice a day.

It sounds as though everyone thinks they are in charge of how this poor DH spends his time and energy.

If one spouse wants to commit to the fool's errand of opening and closing the curtains of a vacant house 2x a day, that's their business. But it's not on to assume that someone else will be happy to join the rota.

Could you not just say you'll do it (assuming no pets) to give them peace of mind then do it when possible to actually check on it

I think it’s overkill on your parents part however in our family we would just suck it up and do it because that is what you do .

Hogwash.

Older people need respect and care but they don't have to be humoured in every batshit crazy idea that pops into their heads due to "anxiety." They OWN an alarm system and refuse to use it. That is entirely their problem. If they need to see a counsellor for their anxiety, so be it. OP's DH is not their enabler.

The request from your parents is ridiculous, so it’s understandable that your DH doesn’t want to out himself out so many times when there is no point and no benefits to anyone.

People can’t expect others to pander to unreasonable anxieties.

Gotta love old folks, who think that burglars want what they have. My Dad is like this. Burglars are after the latest gadgets and phones, not some old device that was the latest thing in 2010, or some telly from 2015.

Insurance can replace everything except heirlooms, and if they have any of those, they could store them at yours whilst they are away.

Ridiculous to think that burglars would A) stake out the house of OAP's, and B) would be fooled by anyone going in twice a day to faff with curtains.

Utterly, utterly bonkers. I wouldn't want to do it either.

Perhaps he thinks your parents are being unreasonable, OP, and I'd be inclined to agree with him.
If nobody goes over, they'll never know!

* they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip *

TBH I wouldn't help someone who decided not to have their alarm on while they were away.....

This with bells on.

If it was feeding a cat or popping in a couple of times, I’d feel differently. This is just indulging a whim!!

This update just makes it worse! 🤣