Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

Oh OP! Your parents anxiety is for them to manage…this whole curtain nonsense is ridiculous, given they are refusing to set their burglar alarm and timers! What reason are they giving for this? Are they aware that by not turning it on their insurance may be invalidated? Also…it’s just bonkers refusing to set their alarm!

I would refuse to get involved too, if I was your husband. Tell them to set their alarm and timers and just go on holiday 🤦‍♀️

I'd check their house insurance is valid if they've declared an alarm then aren't using it

U can get motorised curtain openers if you're that bothered (partner loved playing with them on hol). Not sure curtain movement means anything.

Every one of our room curtains are always wide open, except the bedroom which is permanently closed lol

Sorry but YABU. Supporting during the death of a parent vs support during a holiday are entirely different. I WFH and don’t leave this house on a morning unless it’s an emergency

You can buy timers for wall light switches, they can be programmed to come on for set time frames or to switch the light on/off at random. They're very easy to fit with no drilling.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mydome-Light-Switch-Timer-Deterrent/dp/B00YA95TZI/ref=asc_df_B00YA95TZI?mcid=b764e94b91383098b91ebaccec7b3b11&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697323563897&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10054502316036144211&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007326&hvtargid=pla-613531797032&psc=1&gad_source=1

They need to be reassured it's not necessary to have the curtains pulled morning and night while they are away for two weeks.
There are other simple measures they can take.

Lights on a timer, leave the radio on.
Making sure you have good security etc etc.

If it's so bad don't go away.

Agree with this completely

It's a really small favour, shared with the neighbours.

What the heck else is this churlish man going to be doing with his precious time? Getting off his lazy arse in the morning or evening to do the curtains, check the house, and return would be the least he should do. He should be offering to mow their lawn and pick up flyers and junk mail too.

He needs a massive telling off, especially since he wouldn't step up to support his own father, and the OP's parents took care of his pet previously.

Shame on him.

Not necessarily true. My house insurance FAQ document specifically states that the existence of the alarm is of interest to my insurer (ie we get a discount for having it) but it doesn’t need to be set. I phoned and asked as this sounded odd, but was assured my house and contents were covered whether the alarm was on or not.

Like many posters, I’d happily go to hours of trouble for something someone needed. This isn’t a genuine need though, they are overanxious, and I’m not sure you are helping them in pretending this is a normal thing to want while leaving off the one thing that would really help, the burglar alarm..
You can probably order a camera online that would arrive very fast that would enable you to monitor their home much more often than twice a day. You can then get an alert via an app for the sound of the alarm going off if you get one that works this way.

It is perhaps a little excessive but it’s also pretty easy. My DH would do it, he wouldn’t quibble. It’s short term.

it really is a big ask and the solution to their worries is so old fashioned and unnecessary. i agree with everyone else about timers and a ring doorbell. your parents fears can be addressed without this massive inconvenience to everyone.

It's not "really a small favour". It's 3 hours travel time alone, for nothing in particular. It's a waste of time and an unreasonable and unnecessary ask. A small favour would be checking on the post and watering the plants once a week.

I think you are both being unreasonable.

When you agree to take on a task for someone else, you do so, because you can.

Agreeing and then expecting someone else to actually do it on your behalf is annoying especially if you get upset when they decline.

However, given what you have written in your OP it doesn’t seem that big an ask in the circumstances.

I was just going to say he is a selfish p rick but @mathanxiety puts it so much nicer!!

If it's any consolation OP, I am late 60s and live alone. I go away regularly and just lock up and leave. If anything should happen, well that's what insurance is for.

I don't have a burglar alarm anymore, I think they are a bloody waste of time, and TBH I was always a bit jumpy about it going off for days if I was away! (through a fault or something, not a burglary). My insurance now is only 10 quid a year more because I don't have one. Happy days for me! I do have timer lights, video doorbell and security lights at the back, together with a great neighbour who will keep an eye out and watch for post in the porch etc.

I do understand their anxiety, but it is a bit much to expect someone to go over twice a day to pull the bloody curtains!

( He/you could SAY he did lol, who'd know....) 😉

Exactly this

Ummm, yes, it's only 15 minutes there and 15 minutes back. And it's only for 2 weeks. Why is that a big issue?

Also, he works from home, so dragging his sleepy ass out of bed 35 minutes earlier should not be a big deal.

If they needed a pet feeding or something I would see your point, but it’s ridiculous to expect anybody to visit their house twice a day just to open and shut some curtains! This is not the same as being asked to help during an emergency or even the same as being asked to look after a cat, this is a completely unnecessary task and of course your DH doesn’t want to have to get up 45 minutes earlier so he can cycle 15 minute each way first thing in the morning just to go and open the curtains in someone else house. It literally will make no difference if nobody does it for a few days whilst you’re away! The issue is your mums anxiety that she thinks this is a normal request, not your DH!

It would be a big issue for me, especially when they have a perfectly good alarm system.

It's not a minor task though. It's something that's going to take up over an hour a day, every day. In his shoes l wouldn't be thrilled. Especially as the task itself seems rather in excessive in my eyes

ONE hour on his bike every day because they refuse to turn on their burglar alarm!? That is batshit. It really is. Common.

Your parents request is absolutely ridiculous

I agree with this.

I’m sorry but a daily 1 hour cycle isn’t a small favour to ask

This. If they have it they probably have a reduced house insurance (we do anyway) and that means they need to use it.