Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

How do you know it’s the same neighbours? You infer a lot of things on limited information. It seems to be a bit of a habit.

You didn’t read it properly. The neighbours are willing to do most of it. It is only 6 times. If it helps their anxiety I can’t see the big deal.

How do you know it’s not the same neighbours? People tend to be closest to their next door neighbours, so it’s a reasonable supposition.

You’re free to confirm this or not with OP.

Absolutely this. The validity of the task is the important thing, very well put.

I don’t know that it isn’t the same neighbours. But unlike you, I have not asserted that something is a fact without knowing whether or not that is the case. Which is what you are continuing to do on this thread.

Past performance is often an indicator of future results.

This selfish man didn’t even help his own sick dad much, to the point that OP described it as ‘very unpleasant’. He only stepped towards the end, to seem like a good son no doubt.

There is very little chance this man is going to help OP or her parents when OP’s parents are dying.

I’ve not asserted it as fact, hence my use of the words ‘I doubt.’ You are really struggling on this thread.

Seriously, are you okay? At no point does the OP say her DH did not provide support for her FIL. What she actually says is: “FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.” Stop making things up to suit your narrative.

You literally said the following: “Given the neighbours have agreed to the curtain pulling, I doubt they are disturbed by the radio. OP hasn’t said it’s on full blast.”

You might need help.

Seriously, are you OK? I literally said ‘he didn’t even help his own sick dad MUCH’. Which is not the same as saying he provided no support at all.

I am truly getting worried for your comprehension now.

The doubt is to cater to the possibility that the neighbours possibly are affected.

You might need to revisit English 101.

Which you don’t even know to be the case because the OP never said that. Why can’t people admit to simply being wrong rather than digging a bigger and bigger hole with lies? It’s baffling to me. Good luck to you.

A neighbour who lived opposite me would leave the radio on late at night - even when they weren't there. I could hear it word for word even though my bedroom window was closed.

It would have to be loud for it to act as a deterrent, which is pretty inconsiderate if they haven't checked with all their neighbours.

The OP also never said the neighbours doing the curtain pulling are not next door. Either is possible, hence my use of ‘I doubt’.

Anyway, as I keep reminding you, you are free to put your own interpretation on it, no one is stopping you. It’s baffling you don’t get that. Good day to you, you’ve taken up enough of mine.

I'd stop bothering

Some posters are so het up on tearing down men that they'll stop making sense and argue black is white

Clearly they meant it was the same neighbour else the "doubting" comments would be elsewhere. Such as "considering one of the neighbours is opening the curtains we could assume that one won't be bothered by the radio but what about the rest?"

Fwiw even if I'd agreed to open the curtains, doesn't mean I'd be ok with the radio 24/7 and I'd probably turn it off until the day they came back 🤣

My neighbours tell me they leave on the radio when they go on holiday. I have never heard it. Everyone’s homes are different.

That should be, my NEXT DOOR neighbour

It’s ridiculous. I am also finding it especially amusing because I am a radical feminist who is usually the first to call out misogyny and want women to do less labour, but unless the OP provides a massive drip feed that does not seem to be the case here. And the radio on 24/7 would drive me mad if I was their neighbour!

Maybe the neighbours and DH should get together, switch off the radio, agree that the curtains had indeed been opened and closed every day , switch the burglar alarm back on and say nothing about the whole thing to the DPs.

Now there's a plan
And it would save the OP some labour too
Win all round

It is tricky, as yes, enabling someone’s anxiety doesn’t help it improve, however, this is probably not the time to be work on this.

Twice a day does seem a bit excessive though, however, what’s really the main point here is that you’re disappointed that he’s not willing to support and help on a rare occasion, when they have been supportive and helpful to you, and DH! Some people are not as ‘support family’ orientated as others. DH showed his stance on this with his own family, he’s even less likely to help support your family sadly, that’s just the reality.

I agree OP, I don’t think you’re being selfish to expect DH to give back a little when he’s received so much support from them in the past. He seems rather self-orientated unfortunately. You may want to re-evaluate a few boundaries?

Hope your parents have a nice time away! Sounds like they need it!

Your parents' request is a bit excessive, but it's their request, and I don't think it's onerous for your h to do this for 3 days, if I understand your post correctly. It's just one of those ballachey things.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Yes, can you imagine the AIBU?!

Sorry but they’re unwilling to use their burglar alarm but are willing to put others out for a pointless task?

No they’re being selfish and stubborn. It’s called a burgler alarm for a reason.

If you've been burgled, you are always nervous if you go away.
My son always keeps an eye on the house when I'm away for more than a night. He would be furious if I didn't tell him. I really don't think it's such a big deal given that they live nearby & it doesn't seem to be a frequent occurrence. Neighbours aren't always the answer - I live between two HMOs. Come on, this is what families do, surely?