Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

[AnnieG1986]

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

There are people who give and take and people that take. Your DH sounds like a taker.

Mine is like that except when it suits him.

I'd be upset too, it's not like you are asking him to do it all. I cycle 15 min there and back to do errands for my MIL and I know my DH would do the same for my mum - we are family, his are mine and mine are his - and it's not a massive commitment of time imo

To them of course it’s not unnecessary but it’s often not all about them and their anxieties which always involve people doing silly things.

My friends Mum won’t do direct debits and insists on going to the bank personally to pay in cheques. Only issue is that they don’t drive and buses are few and far between so she orders a taxi whilst at the same time moaning about the cost.

Breaking in to a house with closed curtains is not a deterrent, breaking in to a house and an alarm going off is…..

they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check.

That's just nonsensical.

If they have a burglar alarm but won't use it then your parents are being very unreasonable.

They've already got lamps on timers and the radio all the faffing with the curtains is total overkill.
I'd not be happy about having to bike there and back twice a day if I was your husband either, especially before work.

Checking on a house twice a day for a fortnight seems to me to be making it blindingly obvious that they are away, and sends a clear signal that during the day is the perfect time to break in!

Surely the safest approach is to set the alarm (what’s the point of it if its’s not used when they’re away), ask the neighbours to keep an eye on the place - no need to go in - and for the OP to pop round a few times a week, at random, to check / move the build up of post. Though the last point does assume that the OPs parents still get a regular post - mine seems to come once a week in bulk!!

They have a timer light, and a burglar alarm that they refuse to use, but insist on you doing a 30 min round trip twice a day instead? Tell them to put the bloody burglar alarm on!

If someone posted on here “DH wants me to take half an hour morning and evening to go and open/close his parent curtains while they’re away because they won’t use their burglar alarm” the responses would be that it’s too much and not her job.

A burglar alarm will surely be far more useful than messing around with the curtains anyway.

Your parents are being selfish here.

I think your DH is being unreasonable, however the ask is also unreasonable, especially when they have a burglar alarm they won’t use!! Every other day is fine - unfortunately we all now live in areas where there is theft, burglary etc. Light timers, leaving the radio on a timer, alarms, making sure windows are secure are the important things - not over burdening neighbours and family.

However having said that it does give cause for concern when and if your parents need extra care and support moving forward.

The radio being on is a helpful touch though; it’ll hide the sound of a jemmy levering a window open ;)

It’s a few times over a few days, will not take very long in the grand scheme of things and will give a few opportunities to be outside and getting fresh air / exercise if he goes by bike. No wonder there are so many ‘the uk has gone downhill’ threads when we begrudge helping out our loved ones in small ways. Particularly given they help you out too when needed. So many people no longer get that warm feeling from doing a kind deed if there’s nothing in it for themselves.

Feels like your husband is the voice of reason here, no idea why he’s been so slagged off here.

your parents are being unreasonable asking this of you, never mind him.

I think it's lazy and nasty of him not to do it but don't think it will actually deter burglars.

Is a better option for one or both of you to stay and house it and go to work from there?

Checking on a house twice a day for a fortnight seems to me to be making it blindingly obvious that they are away, and sends a clear signal that during the day is the perfect time to break in!

We were told this by a policeman, ditto the lamps coming on at the same time every evening! If I were this anxious then I think I would prefer to stay at home!

If they do get broken into and the burglar alarm hasn't been set then their insurance might be invalidated assuming their insurance knows they have one as it can get you some discount. If if they haven't informed their insurance the company would not be very impressed I imagine.

Also I know it's a stretch but it's weird how easily identifiable people are. Particularly given your user name, your recently deceased FIL and the fact your df is visually impaired. I would be more worried that somebody in real life would know who you are!

Their plan is excessive.

This is a burdensome and unreasonable ask on their part.

I wouldn't do it either.

Why can’t the neighbour do it by themselves? They’re literally next door.

Your husband is a selfish twat and it would put me off any man who behaved like that.

No, he's not. They have an alarm they won't use plus timers and whatever else. They're expecting too much.

they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check.

This makes them even more unreasonable and it's something you should've included in your OP.

Basically, they don't want to use their own security system, expecting instead to have others jump when they click their fingers.

No wonder your DH doesn't want to encourage them.

He has form evrn with his own family so you shouldn't be surprised.
He's selfish.
Are you happy?
If not keep any inheritance firmly separate in your account and don't make it a marital asset.
I would be disappointed in your shoes, but not surprised as this is who he is.