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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband unwilling to help my parents with minor task

523 replies

AnnieG1986 · 04/05/2025 14:19

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 07/05/2025 11:53

Oldwmn · 07/05/2025 11:49

If you've been burgled, you are always nervous if you go away.
My son always keeps an eye on the house when I'm away for more than a night. He would be furious if I didn't tell him. I really don't think it's such a big deal given that they live nearby & it doesn't seem to be a frequent occurrence. Neighbours aren't always the answer - I live between two HMOs. Come on, this is what families do, surely?

I get it but if they saw someone burgling the house what are they going to do to stop it? If they were there and the person had a weapon it makes no difference to the likelihood of being robbed. They'd just have to witness it and risk injury.
They should really get a professional house sitter. Checking up once a day and missing the odd day isn't the end of the world.

Oldwmn · 07/05/2025 11:58

BobbyBiscuits · 07/05/2025 11:53

I get it but if they saw someone burgling the house what are they going to do to stop it? If they were there and the person had a weapon it makes no difference to the likelihood of being robbed. They'd just have to witness it and risk injury.
They should really get a professional house sitter. Checking up once a day and missing the odd day isn't the end of the world.

You're probably right, once a day is probably alright. I don't the OP's parents expect husband to fight off burglars but to maintain a presence on the property. Burglars would much rather target an empty property than when there's someone in.

Missj25 · 07/05/2025 12:01

AnnieG1986 · 04/05/2025 14:19

A quick sense-check would be helpful. My parents are going on a much needed holiday next week for a fortnight (my Dad is visually impaired and my mum does a lot for him, and they've not had a break for a while).

My mum gets anxious about the house (there have been some burglaries in their area recently) and has asked me and DH if we could pull their curtains and check on the house morning and evening, sharing the task with their neighbour, so covering only the times that the neighbour cannot do. We live 15 min away by bike.

I am overseas with work for some of the dates and asked DH to cover the rest - not more than 5-6 slots. My parents have been incredibly supportive and generous to us and rarely ask us for anything. DH dad died earlier this year and I gave a lot of support during the illness, death, funeral and aftermath (as of course I would given that it's my father-in-law) so I felt it wasn't unreasonable to ask DH to help my parents in this way. (FWIW my parents also looked after our cat in their home during my father-in-law's final 10 days which was a huge help to us).

DH was unhappy to be asked and said it's too much, he can't be expected to go morning and evening, especially before work (he works from home). He said he felt that when I asked whether this was because he was busy, I was implying that he had nothing better to do and that his own Dad's situation can't be compared to this. He was confrontational and angry and I felt very upset at the apparent lack of willingness to accept this additional responsibility for a few days. We have no DC so there's no school run or anything. And wondering what will happen when my parents potentially do need more when they get very elderly. FWIW also we clashed during his Dad's illness as I felt he wasn't stepping up and offering enough support to his mum and brother: very unpleasant but he eventually did step up towards the end.

AIBU?

I think you’re husband is being disrespectful to be honest ..
I’d always want my in-laws to think the best of me ..
I really wouldn’t like to disappoint them , as in once they’re nice people 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Your mom & dad sound nice so he should want to be helpful & kind …

thing47 · 07/05/2025 14:00

Is 'And they looked after our cat' the new 'But we took you to Stately Homes'? 😂

CarpetKnees · 07/05/2025 15:27

Missj25 · 07/05/2025 12:01

I think you’re husband is being disrespectful to be honest ..
I’d always want my in-laws to think the best of me ..
I really wouldn’t like to disappoint them , as in once they’re nice people 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Your mom & dad sound nice so he should want to be helpful & kind …

I think you have a different understanding of the word 'disrespectful' from me.

Personally, I live my life the way I think best, I wouldn't be changing who I am so that someone "thinks the best of me" - what an odd way to live your life.

I am polite and I am kind and helpful when I can be because that is who I am, and, IMO, the best way to live my life, not so that I can get brownie points of my in-laws.

That means I would help people out with reasonable requests. It does not mean I would be getting a bike out and cycling 15 mins each way, to open someone's curtains, when that would make it very obvious to anyone watching that no-one is living there.

Missj25 · 07/05/2025 15:38

CarpetKnees · 07/05/2025 15:27

I think you have a different understanding of the word 'disrespectful' from me.

Personally, I live my life the way I think best, I wouldn't be changing who I am so that someone "thinks the best of me" - what an odd way to live your life.

I am polite and I am kind and helpful when I can be because that is who I am, and, IMO, the best way to live my life, not so that I can get brownie points of my in-laws.

That means I would help people out with reasonable requests. It does not mean I would be getting a bike out and cycling 15 mins each way, to open someone's curtains, when that would make it very obvious to anyone watching that no-one is living there.

Firstly , simmer down ..
I don’t live my life oddly , excuse you !
You’ve picked me up completely wrong , which I find can happen a lot on this forum ..
What I meant is , if in-laws are nice & treat me well , I wouldn’t like to disoblige them , that’s all I meant , maybe worded badly by me … I don’t change into a different person to impress anyone ! !
OP has said her parents have always been kind & obliging , so yes her husband, even if it puts him out of his way a little should be more obliging, & it is only for a short period of time ..
OP has said her parents are always helpful to then , so then is it not nice to return the favour ??

HuffleMyPuffle · 07/05/2025 15:55

I think you’re husband is being disrespectful to be honest ..

I think it's disrespectful to impose on over an hour of someone's life for an entirely pointless task and not use the technology you have installed for this exact purpose...

PhilomenaPunk · 07/05/2025 17:14

Missj25 · 07/05/2025 12:01

I think you’re husband is being disrespectful to be honest ..
I’d always want my in-laws to think the best of me ..
I really wouldn’t like to disappoint them , as in once they’re nice people 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Your mom & dad sound nice so he should want to be helpful & kind …

By that logic shouldn’t the OP’s parents want her DH think well of them? Which he clearly doesn’t due to their unreasonable request. How far should we take this people pleasing? At what point would you be prepared to prioritise your own needs rather than doing things you don’t want to do/are pointless for you to do for fear that not every single person on the planet will think well of you?

croydon15 · 07/05/2025 17:43

It's pointless having a burglars home if you don't want to use it.

Missj25 · 07/05/2025 17:45

PhilomenaPunk · 07/05/2025 17:14

By that logic shouldn’t the OP’s parents want her DH think well of them? Which he clearly doesn’t due to their unreasonable request. How far should we take this people pleasing? At what point would you be prepared to prioritise your own needs rather than doing things you don’t want to do/are pointless for you to do for fear that not every single person on the planet will think well of you?

You’ve missed my other post philomenapunk ..
I actually don’t need the whole universe to think well of me !

It’s not about people pleasing, it’s about not being a selfish asshole to people that are good to you !
It’s not that big a favour to ask for a short amount of time ! !

PhilomenaPunk · 07/05/2025 18:16

Missj25 · 07/05/2025 17:45

You’ve missed my other post philomenapunk ..
I actually don’t need the whole universe to think well of me !

It’s not about people pleasing, it’s about not being a selfish asshole to people that are good to you !
It’s not that big a favour to ask for a short amount of time ! !

So telling a family member you would rather not waste your time doing an activity that can easily be automated (such as with the burglar alarm they already have) is being a selfish asshole? That seems like an extreme reaction to me.

FarmGirl78 · 07/05/2025 18:20

Do they have internet? Spend £100 on some wifi automated curtain openers and a lamp timer and be done with it. Its a bargain to eliminate the faff.

Missj25 · 07/05/2025 18:26

PhilomenaPunk · 07/05/2025 18:16

So telling a family member you would rather not waste your time doing an activity that can easily be automated (such as with the burglar alarm they already have) is being a selfish asshole? That seems like an extreme reaction to me.

PP , we will have to agree to disagree on this one ..
To me he is being asked a favour to keep them happy 🤷🏻‍♀️..
I get what you are saying aswel about the time wasting though …
Calling him an asshole was an over reaction , I also agree with that …

FedupofArsenalgame · 08/05/2025 07:36

Oldwmn · 07/05/2025 11:49

If you've been burgled, you are always nervous if you go away.
My son always keeps an eye on the house when I'm away for more than a night. He would be furious if I didn't tell him. I really don't think it's such a big deal given that they live nearby & it doesn't seem to be a frequent occurrence. Neighbours aren't always the answer - I live between two HMOs. Come on, this is what families do, surely?

You'd sure also switch on your burglar alarm if you went away also wouldn't you?

Cosyblankets · 08/05/2025 07:43

AnnieG1986 · 04/05/2025 14:42

OK thanks everyone - sounds like perhaps I have been a bit quick to judge my DH. I don't however think I've been unpleasant or selfish, just trying to manage a tricky situation as best I could. My parents are very nervous about this sort of thing - they have a burglar alarm but won't turn it on for this trip as they'd rather have the in person check. They have timer lights and they leave the radio on 24/7. Points taken.

Does it affect their insurance in the event of a break in if they've said the house is alarmed and then they don't put it on when they go on holiday? Just a thought

Oldwmn · 08/05/2025 09:44

FedupofArsenalgame · 08/05/2025 07:36

You'd sure also switch on your burglar alarm if you went away also wouldn't you?

I don't have a burglar alarm, I'm a pov. I find having a large angry looking bloke lurking about at different times of the day does the job for a smidgeon of the price 😉

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 08/05/2025 10:02

Honestly I don’t think you are judging him harshly enough. My little brother is like that happy to take money, free child minding and generally mooch off my people but the second my mum or anyone asks for a tiny bit of help with something he’s like a teenage Harry Enfield character going “You’re so unfair, people expect too much from me”. As someone said above some people are just takers! I hope you do absolutely nothing for him now that he is unwilling to pay back the kindness your parents have shown to him!

I agree with others regarding ring doorbells and lights/radios on timers btw but I also think anxiety varies from person to person and you can’t exactly tell an anxious person not to be anxious. I have done curtain opening & closing for my mums friends before even though I thought it was completely ridiculous because it gave them peace of mind and mean’t they could relax when away.

If you have joint finances pay someone to do it while you’re away from the family pot and buy them a ring door bell or equivalent as a thank you for minding your cat for 10 days!

WombatStewForTea · 08/05/2025 10:08

What about trying one of these OP?

SwitchBot Smart Automatic Curtain Opener - Bluetooth Remote Control with App/Timer, Upgraded High-Performance Motor, Add SwitchBot Hub to Make it Work with Alexa, Google Home, HomeKit(Curtain 3,Rod) https://amzn.eu/d/j3axieh

Amazon.co.uk

https://amzn.eu/d/j3axieh?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-5328273-husband-unwilling-to-help-my-parents-with-minor-task

rwalker · 08/05/2025 10:23

I can’t get over how many people are dismissing an hours cycling as though it’s nothing especially when he’s been at work all day

hate to do this but I don’t think I’d be wrong if there was a post saying my DH has volunteered me to an hours cycling to do a favour and I’m at work all day the consensus would be tell him to fuck off

Brisley · 08/05/2025 20:52

rwalker · 08/05/2025 10:23

I can’t get over how many people are dismissing an hours cycling as though it’s nothing especially when he’s been at work all day

hate to do this but I don’t think I’d be wrong if there was a post saying my DH has volunteered me to an hours cycling to do a favour and I’m at work all day the consensus would be tell him to fuck off

Yes. I'd be the same. Works hard enough without running errands that aren't really necessary. Losing all your wind down time because of a bit of an odd preference would be a step too far for me.

Mandemikc · 09/05/2025 07:16

Truthfully, entertaining such nonsense by the in-laws in so common in a parent/child relationship. And it shouldn't. This is a perfect example of silliness gone wild. The daughter doesn't want to disappoint her parents when she should have been the logical one and helped them to resolve their own issues before they left

Don't entertain crazy and don't use any excuses for why you should. They can be the greatest parents in the world, but if they ask for and agree to nonsense, then you don't have the greatest parents on the planet, you got crazy people. No joke. Never entertain nonsense.

StClabberts · 09/05/2025 09:04

rwalker · 08/05/2025 10:23

I can’t get over how many people are dismissing an hours cycling as though it’s nothing especially when he’s been at work all day

hate to do this but I don’t think I’d be wrong if there was a post saying my DH has volunteered me to an hours cycling to do a favour and I’m at work all day the consensus would be tell him to fuck off

Especially if you were recently bereaved.

rookiemere · 09/05/2025 09:11

Mandemikc · 09/05/2025 07:16

Truthfully, entertaining such nonsense by the in-laws in so common in a parent/child relationship. And it shouldn't. This is a perfect example of silliness gone wild. The daughter doesn't want to disappoint her parents when she should have been the logical one and helped them to resolve their own issues before they left

Don't entertain crazy and don't use any excuses for why you should. They can be the greatest parents in the world, but if they ask for and agree to nonsense, then you don't have the greatest parents on the planet, you got crazy people. No joke. Never entertain nonsense.

Yes this.

I hate the “be kind” argument as a reason to do nonsensical, time wasting chores, particularly as both OP and her DH are working so don’t have a huge amount of spare time.

There are rational solutions to this which is getting the auto curtain adjusters for less than £100 which then mean the burglar alarm can be switched back on.

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