First date - was I wrong?

[PinataHeeHaw]

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

Of course you weren’t wrong. TBH I could understand why he might have got that impression (men aren’t always the brightest), but he behaved like an arsehole.

He's a creep. What you did wasn't particularly safe though - don't be alone with men you barely know. That does NOT excuse his creepery though

Would have been better to suggest another coffee, a drink or dinner out I think.

You saying no once should have been more than enough of course.
But it’s a bit risky going back to someone’s house when you don’t really know them.

No. You were not wrong.

He is trying to blame and gaslight you. I wouldn’t see him again. That’s a block and delete.

In hindsight I wish I had suggested we continue the date elsewhere other than his house. We got on great though and I've been single for years now. Please tell me not all men are like this.

I think suggesting going back to one of your houses could easily be interpreted as being up for sex. If it was just about the temperature could have suggested a pub/cafe.

That said, the second you made it clear you weren't up for it he should have backed off completely. Personally, there wouldn't be a second date.

It really bugs me how he said he hadn’t had sex for ages… is that a pity play? Pressuring you to be charitable and shag him? How is it any of your business/problem.

its maybe one thing if he got handsy and you said “no thanks” and he stopped, but that he kept pushing his agenda? Pig.

Noooo! Do not blame yourself. That’s a milder version of “I wish I hadn’t worn that outfit then I wouldn’t have been catcalled/groped/worse”

You’re not the problem in this.

Oh gosh I'm here feeling sorry for myself now. We got on so well but it was really only about the sex for him wasn't it? Also feeling shit that me going to his house lead him on and encouraged his behaviour.

I understand why he thought what he thought, particularly when you started making out on the couch. However, when you said you didn't want to have sex, that clarifies the situation - there will be no sex.

When you say his hands kept wandering, did you say no sex but go back to making out? Did he think 3rd base was in even if 4th base was out?
The sex comment as if you're going to relent cos it's been a while is creepy but I can also see where sofa making out with light petting might be OK even if you're not having sex, so that may be a communication issue.

Ultimately, do you feel like he'd stop if you told him to. If the answer is no, bin him off regardless of anything else

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you know now not to go back to the home of someone you barely knew. He's a twat for saying it was secret code for wanting sex FFS!

If his house was a shit tip then he's a lazy arse too. Don't presume he'll suddenly change if you were to get into a relationship. Probably best to swerve this one.

A decent man would not pressure you - would not mention how he is 'desperate' for sex - and would not suggest IN ANY WAY that you 'led him on' ie. came back to his house.

Throw this one back.

that said, I really don't think it's safe going back to a mans house when you barely know him like that.

I think in that situation most men would want or expect sex. He was out of order to put pressure on you.

You didn’t lead him on, he misinterpreted what you said. You are not to blame for that.

Christ, men can be basic and shite.

Of course they're not

You did not lead him on or encourage this. If he was a nice bloke who had misread your intentions he would have backed off immediately you said No.

I kept turning away when he tried to kiss me. I told him swx wasn't going to happen numerous times. He then climbed on top of me but did get off when I told him to.

You dodged a bullet.

Disrespectful and lives in a tip. There shouldn't be a second date.

That comment about how he's not had sex for ages trying to guilt trip you. Grim.

Whilst he shouldn’t have assumed you were going back for sex, I can see how he might have thought that was your intention.

I think the fact he didn’t completely stop once you told him you weren’t up for sex is a bit creepy.

I’d like to think most men would get straight off and apologise and say they’d read it wrong etc.

I think it would put me off 😩

I can also see why he might have got his hopes up but the second you said you weren't up for it he should have pulled himself together and trying to coerce you was creepy behaviour and he acted badly. At the end of the day, even if you had initially wanted to go back to have sex you'd still be well within your rights to change your mind at any point, and it's his job to be respectful of that. So no you didn't do anything wrong as such but I personally wouldn't go alone to a guys house until I've scoped them out over a couple of dates. A shit tip of a house isn't a good sign either tbh.

His house was disgusting really. The grime along the shower cubicle and his bed wasn't even made. Bleurgh.

You weren't in the wrong. I can see how he thought going back to someone's home indicated the possibility of sex, though. The moment you said no/stop that should have been the end of it for him. You did nothing wrong.

I think you are very naive …..what the hell age are you?
Suggesting you go back to someone’s house on a first date could obviously lead someone to believe that you were interested in having sex

No, you definitely weren't wrong - and wandering hands AFTER you'd said you weren't up for it is a red flag in my opinion. Him not having sex for ages isn't your problem! You're not a bloody prostitute. I'd proceed with caution if you're thinking of seeing him again.

Some men will see the suggestion of continuing a date back at a house as subtext for (Let's go somewhere more private so we can be more physical with each other). However as soon as you said that you weren't up for sex on a first date, he was informed that he had the wrong idea and had no place in continuing to touch you. A respectful response to you would have been, Oh I'm sorry, I misread the signals.

Id be very thankful that you didn't decide to go to your house, so he's not aware of where you live, just on the off chance he's one of those guys who can't take no for an answer.

In regards to leading him on, no I don't think you did and the attitude that some men have that if they paid for dinner then you owe them some sexual favour really disgusts me. Or that any place where they are alone with you its ok to "convince" you that you want sex or should do.
However to avoid misunderstanding or putting yourself in a vulnerable position, I'd avoid any places that aren't public, with someone who you don't know.