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Original poster

First date - was I wrong?

273 replies

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 11:58

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 03/05/2025 14:35

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 11:58

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

I'm 58 but for my generation after a night out someone asking 'Do you want to come back for coffee?' was taken to mean 'Do you want to come back for sex?.'

Obviously if you didn't want to sleep with them, you'd make something up about having to get up early for a work meeting, or that you were expected home by a certain time or you get to get back to 'walk a dog' or some other white lie (as we used to call them).

Some of the more uncouth, would just come out with 'Do you fancy a shag?'

Basically anyone (female to male) could ask and everyone knew exactly what it meant.

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 14:35

Oh, and he sulked when I refused sex. Ewww.

If things did move on, the idea of spending the night at his or eating from his disgusting kitchen would fill me with dread. My most recent ex had a lovely home and kept it relatively clean and definitely tidy and it was a pleasure staying over and enjoying his home with him. There would be none of that with this one. I felt like I needed a shower when I got home today.

OP posts:
Illegally18 · 03/05/2025 14:37

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I have to agree!

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 14:37

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If someone writes a post such as the one you wrote you should expect some blunt comments….you didn’t and that also indicates signs of naivety / silliness

WilfredsPies · 03/05/2025 14:37

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 12:07

Oh gosh I'm here feeling sorry for myself now. We got on so well but it was really only about the sex for him wasn't it? Also feeling shit that me going to his house lead him on and encouraged his behaviour.

You went back to the home of some man you’d known for a couple of hours?

I don’t think that was leading him on. His ‘But I thought…’ is all on him. Nothing you said or did was an invitation. He had no right to just assume. But where is your sense of self preservation? You were bloody lucky that he was ‘just’ a creep instead of someone dangerous. Did anyone know where you were? Or who you were with?

And where is your judgement? Because now you’re feeling crap that it turns out he’s not the nice man you’d judged him to be in just a couple of hours in his company. If you want casual sex, then you go right ahead. Enjoy yourself. No judgement from me. But if you want something more, and you want to make sure that he wants something more as well, then going back to his house to make out with him after a couple of hours is not the way to discover that. I mean, doing that means you’ll find out his intentions very quickly, but at the expense of your safety.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 03/05/2025 14:39

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 14:37

If someone writes a post such as the one you wrote you should expect some blunt comments….you didn’t and that also indicates signs of naivety / silliness

Show quote history

Oh give it a rest. You’ve been lambasting and insulting for multiple, MUTLIPLE posts now.

Abitlosttoday · 03/05/2025 14:39

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 03/05/2025 12:05

It really bugs me how he said he hadn’t had sex for ages… is that a pity play? Pressuring you to be charitable and shag him? How is it any of your business/problem.

its maybe one thing if he got handsy and you said “no thanks” and he stopped, but that he kept pushing his agenda? Pig.

Yes. All of this.

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 14:41

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 03/05/2025 13:09

Coercion isn't consent.

He sounds like all the sulky husbands that we read about on here that act like they will die if their wives turn them down. They guilt and whinge and act like overgrown toddlers.

Honestly the fact that he tried to get on top of you AFTER you told him multiple times you didn't want sex is actually quite scary. And continuing after you turn away?

It wasn't your fault. He is an adult with ears and a brain. All this "leading men on" business is just the script of rape apologists. No wonder marital rape was legal til the 90's. Bloody disgusting.

And also sex shouldn't be assumed. I've gone back to houses after dates and we've had a drink and chatted. We are all adults. We can use our words and ask. Ignore PP.

Edited

Thank you. All I wanted was for us to chat further as we had a great time on our walk. Shame he showed his true colours.

OP posts:
FigTreeInEurope · 03/05/2025 14:42

pinkdelight · 03/05/2025 14:20

And that's great and you're how it should be, but we're talking about first dates here so there's no way of knowing if the guy is a wise choice or not, hence can't assume he's like you or if he's like many who would take 'going back to yours' as meaning they're up for it. Unfortunately women have to operate in the real world and protect themselves until all men have got with the programme, one day...

Show quote history

I agree of course, and it wasn't wise for her to do that sadly. I was suprised to see so many women say "going back to yours was a code for sex" though. I guess it's put out there by films and tv programs like "friends", but the guy really was jumping to an assumption. I guess that's common now? I've had many women come back to mine on a first date, even strangers after clubs very drunk. I've never assumed that was a green flag for sex though. I live on a big old river barge, and half the time they're more curious about the interior decoration than a night of passion. Dude was a creep, and she does need to be more careful. It's a hard and complicated world to make a connection in, so glad i'm married, i don't think i could hack dating now.

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 14:43

Charlize43 · 03/05/2025 14:35

I'm 58 but for my generation after a night out someone asking 'Do you want to come back for coffee?' was taken to mean 'Do you want to come back for sex?.'

Obviously if you didn't want to sleep with them, you'd make something up about having to get up early for a work meeting, or that you were expected home by a certain time or you get to get back to 'walk a dog' or some other white lie (as we used to call them).

Some of the more uncouth, would just come out with 'Do you fancy a shag?'

Basically anyone (female to male) could ask and everyone knew exactly what it meant.

Show quote history

I'm 58 but for my generation after a night out someone asking 'Do you want to come back for coffee?' was taken to mean 'Do you want to come back for sex?.'

Everyone knows this so it’s unbelievable that the OP didn’t .
To make matters worse I think she suggested going back to one or other of their houses to ‘get warm’ , That’s even more leading than saying ‘do you want to come back for coffee’

pikkumyy77 · 03/05/2025 14:43

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 12:07

Oh gosh I'm here feeling sorry for myself now. We got on so well but it was really only about the sex for him wasn't it? Also feeling shit that me going to his house lead him on and encouraged his behaviour.

Well learn the lesson then to be a little less trusting that the person you see on the first date is the real person. He was on his best behavior during the beginning of the date but how hard is that? He couldn’t even pretend to be gracious and charming after he got you home. Dating a few more times and in different circumstances will let you figure out who the real person is.

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 14:43

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HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 03/05/2025 14:45

OP, I’ve reported the personal attacks.

TheHerboriste · 03/05/2025 14:45

A man who would want sex on a first date would be a major turnoff. I am only interested in men who take the same cautious approach to relationships that I do.

Jumping into the sack with anyone who is willing, on short acquaintance, reeks of desperation and a juvenile mentality. Whining that he hasn’t gotten laid is pathetic. I’d be tempted to respond “And the reasons are obvious,” before walking out.

Plus I would never date anyone who doesn’t keep their home clean and reasonably neat. Have some standards.

Pedallleur · 03/05/2025 14:46

Man tries it on!! It's hardly a surprise is it? Given many of them think of a dick pic as foreplay and believe everyone is getting it all the time via the internet.

Original poster
PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 14:46

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 14:43

I'm 58 but for my generation after a night out someone asking 'Do you want to come back for coffee?' was taken to mean 'Do you want to come back for sex?.'

Everyone knows this so it’s unbelievable that the OP didn’t .
To make matters worse I think she suggested going back to one or other of their houses to ‘get warm’ , That’s even more leading than saying ‘do you want to come back for coffee’

Show quote history

Oh for fucks sake. Since when has 'getting warm' meant wanting sex? He knew full well I wasn't up for sex. I'm sure I even told him I don't do sex on the first few dates previously in text messages. If I was raped because I went back to his house, would you still be blaming me?

OP posts:
WinterFoxes · 03/05/2025 14:47

I wouldn't suggest going back to someone's house on a first date. I am 60 and for my generation that would be implying you are up for it. But DS dates online and says he never assumes a woman inviting him to hers on a first date is an assumption of sex. He's mid 20s.

But his house is a tip and he felt entitled to sex because he hadn't had any for ages. NOT a turn on. So at least you didn't waste time on a second date.

Blueskies25 · 03/05/2025 14:49

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HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 03/05/2025 14:51

Certainly one person coming across as a bully.

Moveoverdarlin · 03/05/2025 14:55

Charlize43 · 03/05/2025 14:35

I'm 58 but for my generation after a night out someone asking 'Do you want to come back for coffee?' was taken to mean 'Do you want to come back for sex?.'

Obviously if you didn't want to sleep with them, you'd make something up about having to get up early for a work meeting, or that you were expected home by a certain time or you get to get back to 'walk a dog' or some other white lie (as we used to call them).

Some of the more uncouth, would just come out with 'Do you fancy a shag?'

Basically anyone (female to male) could ask and everyone knew exactly what it meant.

Show quote history

I’m 15 years younger and totally agree. Do you want to come back to my place? Is a very obvious come on. As is chatting about knickers falling down. Knickers don’t just fall down do they?

I also think once you get to adulthood, snogging on the sofa more often than not leads to somewhere. I haven’t ‘just’ kissed someone since my teens.

Absolutely say no if you didn’t want sex but I can see why he was getting mixed messages.

unlikelywitch · 03/05/2025 14:57

He’s a creep and should’ve stopped immediately when you said you didn’t want to have sex. I will say though that I’d never suggest going back to either mine or his house precisely because men often get the wrong impression, and also because you he’s practically still a stranger.

He’s also gross and lives in squalor so I wouldn’t give him another thought. Throw him back.

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 15:02

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WayneEyre · 03/05/2025 15:03

OP, I think you're not getting it.

No, you didn't have to have sex and you said so. That's clear.

However, in inviting yourself in after an first date to get warm or similar, or for coffee, or after he was making hints about your knickers, yes, those were indications that there was interest in more than just a cup of tea. Less than sexual intercourse but quite a lot can happen between that and understanding 'i don't want to have sex today'.

Lots of women with lots of experience are pragmatically advising you here. Yes, you should be able to do what you like and be clearly understood. But even with the best of intentions (not that this man necessarily had them), you're best off keeping first dates purely public unless you're both on the page of having sex. 'i don't want to have sex' but then kissing and having a tour of the bedroom? That's a bit of a mixed message on a first date. You didn't have a particular need to be there but chose to go anyway and he got pushy.

PinataHeeHaw · 03/05/2025 15:03

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Sidebeforeself · 03/05/2025 15:04

It is not victim blaming to urge you to weigh up the risks a bit more in future.